Among Friends

[viva923]

my parents would warn me about everything the same way.  One of the things i do remember never go to sleep with anything in your mouth but your teeth and tongue.

I guess they wanted us to be aware of your surroundings and maybe that one warning may save your life in some way.

[Rowan72]

Even when sincere care becomes obsessive and compulsive it's annoying and damaging to relationships. It usually stems from insecurity, fear ... even paranoia. The person doesn’t feel confident that they can handle loss, or whatever could potentially go wrong. Therefore they try to control their environment and those within it that they are dependent upon. Could be her upcoming move (and leaving you) has her stressed out, so this proclivity in her is escalating.

Hard as it is to have your competence constantly called into question, rather she realizes it, or not ... I would give a true friend some time to adjust to her move. Assure her she won’t lose you to the distance. See if she gets herself better controlled with this neurotic behavior. If not, for the sake of your friendship, you will have to kindly tell her and set some boundaries. You do her no favors by enabling her in a false sense of security or faux importance. (This is not why you love her.) None of us can control our environment or those we love. We have to develop coping strategies - inner strength to emotionally survive what life doles out to us. 

#1 on the boundaries spectrum: she doesn’t get to tell you what you need or should do. She only gets to decide that for herself, unless of course you ASK for her opinion on a matter. Even then, you have every right to reject her suggestions.

Best wishes with not offending her. Insecure people tend to be highly sensitive and easily insulted, even when none is intended. 

[mistriTsquirrel]

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@jeanlake wrote:

@mistriTsquirrel  Do we have the same sister, and would that make us half sisters? Ha. I do love and respect my sis, but I had to tell her in 2016 --- I am not your punching bag. Things have been a bit 'off' since then, but oh, my, she can badger with the best of them. Everyone's different and each person has their limitations.  

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@jeanlake  My sister and I don't speak anymore.  She won't speak to my mother either, and has told my mother that she cannot see or communicate with her grandkids anymore.

I guess that solves the problem of us not getting along, but my mother is in so much pain.

[jeanlake]

@mistriTsquirrel  I'm so sorry. That's so dysfunctional and hurtful. I hope your sis wakes up.

[mistriTsquirrel]

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@jeanlake wrote:

@mistriTsquirrel  I'm so sorry. That's so dysfunctional and hurtful. I hope your sis wakes up.

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Thanks, @jeanlake.  I'm not counting on it.

I don't think she wants to have a good relationship with my mom and I.  She has been complaining since my dad died about the prospect of having to clean out Mom's house after she dies.  Coming up with "justifications" to cut herself off from us removes any guilt she would otherwise feel for abandoning her mom and leaving any future work to me.

There isn't anything I can do about that though.  

[WaJa61]

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@x Hedge wrote:

Instead of that 'sit down and look her in the eye' chat, I'm more likely to just say, "Ok mom" to old ladies who (s)mother other old ladies.

Try to sound like an exasperated 16 year old when you say it.

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I would be tempted to do just that if this is a habitual thing. Like there is the humble brag and the back-handed compliment... there is this attempt to dominate cloaked in concern. It's calling your judgment into question and suggesting you need looking after. By her, who views her own judgment as superior to yours. 

Sometimes a little light mockery is just the thing to get the point across. If she's really a tight friend, she'll take the hint in the spirit it's meant and curb this annoying habit. 

[lovesrecess]

I would doubt very much that anything you say will stop her from her comments...that is just how she is.....and all you can do is avoid her when it bothers you too much. I know someone like that who moved across the country and she still messages me on FB with "helpful comments"!😉