Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,593
Registered: ‎12-22-2013

Maybe you think this is crazy, but now may be the time to have him tell you the details of his early life with his parents and grandparents, etc. because these are the roots of your life that are gone, never to know any other way.  Maybe record these stories if you haven't already. More interesting than advice.  My mil is 93 and we haven't gone away overnight for years.  A fall in an elderly relative, for instance, led to a quick downhill spiral, and we just feel better being near.  @World Traveler in the travel thread travels all the time, leaving her 96? year old mom behind.  But her mom seems to have her marbles and enough health and maybe backup.  Her mom says she'd die happy knowing her daughter is traveling, doing what she loves best ! ? !

You've gotten over your husband's health crisis, and you will find a solution for this.  I think if your dad feels he needs to phone you often, make the calls short.  You have health problems, you're napping, you're eating, etc.  frequent but SHORT calls might work.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,926
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

He does not have an active relationship with a physician and he is very reclusive


@jackthebear wrote:

have you and your brother asked his physician for resources for the Sr. Citizens in your area after explaining your situation


Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive what could go right.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,601
Registered: ‎07-11-2010

@I am still oxox....I am a full time caregiver for my DH, so I hear your frustration. It's exhausting. I get out about two hours a week to go to the grocery store. I have no one helping me. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, etc. We tried the Meals On Wheels. He didn't like the food. We tried having caregivers come to our apt. to sit with him while I went out. That was a disaster. They didn't show up, or were late. 


I'm not going to tell you what to do, however, I really think your dad needs to know about your health issues. Does he even have a doctor? It's difficult for my DH to get out, so a nurse practitioner comes to our apt. to see him.


Good luck. I wish you well.

I promise to remind myself every day that I am strong, courageous, and resilient.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

@alicedee wrote:

In order to get control of your life are going to have to be firm....which I think you may be misconstruing as "unkind."  Your dad has a caregiver, so it is perfectly ok for you to limit visits to a couple times a week.  Meals on Wheels is an option if it is getting to be too much to provide meals.   You said that wouldn't work because he is a picky eater...I would say that if he is hungry, he will eat whatever is provided  You and brother should sit down together with dad and explain you all have your own health issues you are dealing with will both still visit often....but he must understand you need to take care of yourselves and your spouses, too.  Talk to the caregiver and make sure he/she knows to call you in an emergency....then limit "chatting" calls with dad to once or twice a day.  


You and your brother sound like very caring people....don't take on any guilt trips.  Do what you can, without jeopardizing your own health, family life, and peace of mind.  





To add to this - my mother was "picky" - another term for "I'd better get what I want or..." When looking after her got to the point that it meant that family had no life, literally, but work and monitoring her - literally couldn't be gone anywhere more than an hour or two - she was admitted to a nursing home after a hospital stay, "doctor's orders."


When she understood that emotional blackmail (whether deliberate or completely unconscious, either one) had no effect on nursing home staff, she ate what she was served and her showers, activities, etc were according to the nursing home schedule; there was no "choice" or "But I want/don't want..." In a facility, they do what they're told - and I don't mean that in a harsh, forced way, it's just the way it is.


She was better looked after than she could be at home. She was visited at least a couple of times a week by varous family members and called often. She was never left to feel unwanted. But she wasn't in control of what people "needed to do" for her. She had a life (and new friends), and her family had a life once again after 15 years.


Not seriously thinking about a nursing home is postponing the inevitable and torturing you, your husband and brother with a guilt you shouldn't feel.


Ignore the troll.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,431
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Gee reading these posts make me glad when both my parents were ill my sister (whose 13 yrs younger) & I were able to work something out.  Our parents died 6 months w/in each other & young (57 & 59).


Yes we had our moments, frustrations and more yet I think we wouldn't have changed a minute to spend with our dad.  We were estranged from our mother yet we still put that aside & took care of her.


Our brothers never even called or helped -- but that was there perogative - wasn't going to change the outcome for them.


@I am still oxox


Saying a little prayer for you! (I may be more sympathetic to your dad because I see older people alone here where I live and so sad they need to "beg" for their children or someone to help them.  That's the drawback of living in a community where the residents are 25-30 years older - I see it everyday!😢). 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,372
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Blessing and a curse

[ Edited ]

oxox - 

I am right there with you.  It is not easy.

My dad is 95, will be 96 soon; mom passed away 9 years ago.


We live in a 2 family house, he is downstairs and I live upstairs.  We also own the house next door so we have tenants to deal with too.

My sister, her hubby and I split his care but we all still work full time. Dad is very, very set in his ways (always has been) and there is no reasoning with him.


Oh, did I mention he still drives??  He refuses to give up the keys.  He knows the next fender bender will be his last.  


When did we reverse roles??



Honored Contributor
Posts: 24,685
Registered: ‎07-21-2011

Re: Blessing and a curse

[ Edited ]

@I am still oxox,   I can understand your situation but I must say that you have to take of yourself first.  Perhaps you need a new live in with your father as it does not seem like he is doing his job.  Or, think of placing your father in a nursing home.  From my experience with nursing homes, do not go with a chain as they are horrible.  When it is a private owner of the home you get better service and a cleaner enviornment.  I had hip surgery and had a staph infection like you.  It's pure he__.   6 to 8 weeks of IV.  Then I was on antibiotics (pills) for 1-1/2 years and I stopped taking them on my own.  Why?  Because I ended up with pneumonia (I had both pneumonia shots).  So if I can get pneumonia, the one antibiotic I was on would not stop a staph infection.  It's been a few months now that I stopped and I am fine.  I have blood tests every 3 months anyway.  I have an auto immune disease so when I had the infection I could not take my medicine for it.  Sorry to go into it but I know it is tough.  I also dislocated the hip (I wanted to die).  Honey, you have too much on your plate.  You Dad is 94 and he will be with other people around all day.  I hope you consider my advice but I want you and your husband to live to 94.  Take good care.  Cat HappyHeart

kindness is strength
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,702
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

@I am still oxoxIf you and your husband are not well you will not be able to care for your father for long anyway. I would be honest with him about your own health problems and what could happen in the future if you don't take care of yourself. I honestly don't know how you do it having A-fib yourself.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,426
Registered: ‎08-28-2010 to meals- fix several of what he will eat and freeze them.  The caregiver can warm them it.  As to the phone calls, get the jump on him and call him first.  Perhaps in the morning and the again in the evening.  As they get older, our parents just want to hear our voices.  As to visits, make a visitation schedule and post it.  Tell him that you just can't come over every other night.  You may need to tell him why.


just some suggestions

Posts: 29
Registered: ‎07-13-2017

Dear I am still oxox- I am sorry about your situation- you have many challenges ahead of you, & you must take care of your self. It might help to tell your Father of your & your husband's health issues. Now would be a good time to have a Physician in charge for your Father-I know this is a really hard time for you all. You are doing the best you can,but try not to demand too much from your self. I have been where you are now- take it one day at a time. Hope things improve-