Among Friends

[software]

@I am still oxox

I've been where you are, taking care of an elderly dad after mom passed.   He was sick himself.   I had had surgery, my late husband was fighting cancer. 

Are there no other relatives?

I am an only child but I had wonderful cousins who stepped up.    You cannot do this alone.   Healthy or disabled.

[I am still oxox]

@software

It is my hubby and myself and my brother who has a very stressful law career

[maggishops]

I totally understand your situation and frustration, as I was in a similar situation in 2015.  We live in MI and my Dad lived in FL, in a sr. Living home which was half independent living and half assisted living. He died in dec. 2015 just shy of his 96th birthday.  My mother had died 35 years earlier. His last year he started getting dementia and did NOT think he belonged in asst. living. He couldn't remember himself falling a lot, and he couldn't take care of himself after being on the independent side for 6.5 years.  He fiercely tried to remain on the independent side and he was mad when the director made him move over. We spent the Christmas week of 2014 moving him and it was downhill from there. He wanted to come live with us but that would have been disastrous. ... he couldn't take the cold and his stubborn and hard headedness would have made it very difficult. As well, we have stairs in our home, and he couldn't have managed them.  He was given wonderful care there, whether he believed it or not, and I had faith they were doing the right thing.  

He started calling a lot, to the point that I had to put my cell phone on do not disturb at night, so I could sleep.  I visited him often, but after 3 -4 days of taking him to dinner, being with him, etc., he got upset again because those were things he used to be able to do by himself.   

Then in the summer of 2015 he refused to take my calls or any calls because he thought it was my fault of him being moved to asst. living. Again he didn't remember himself falling, etc. and his reasoning skills went downhill.  I kept in touch regularly with the home to make sure he was okay. 

He started getting UTi infections, which would make his dementia  worse. This made him more paranoid to the point of not wanting to eat, drink or take his meds. In the end he gave up and died after a week in hospice. 

Please be thankful you have a brother to help you out.  I have a sister but she was of no help. I do have a cousin who lived a couple hours away to help out when he could.  Otherwise, I was on my own, with my husband. 

Please know there are many others in your same situation.  Not sure where you live. Are there community resources that can help you out, like meals on wheels, sr. Centers, home health care/assistance like visiting angels, comfort keepers, etc? We have an agency on age ing in our area that has wonderful resources to offer and for help.  

Yes, you really do have to take care of yourself, because it is exhausting, whether he likes it or not. 

Many hugs and prayers to you. ❤️❤️❤️

[alicedee]

In order to get control of your life back....you are going to have to be firm....which I think you may be misconstruing as "unkind."  Your dad has a caregiver, so it is perfectly ok for you to limit visits to a couple times a week.  Meals on Wheels is an option if it is getting to be too much to provide meals.   You said that wouldn't work because he is a picky eater...I would say that if he is hungry, he will eat whatever is provided  You and brother should sit down together with dad and explain you all have your own health issues you are dealing with also....you will both still visit often....but he must understand you need to take care of yourselves and your spouses, too.  Talk to the caregiver and make sure he/she knows to call you in an emergency....then limit "chatting" calls with dad to once or twice a day.  

You and your brother sound like very caring people....don't take on any guilt trips.  Do what you can, without jeopardizing your own health, family life, and peace of mind.  

[maggishops]

I totally agree with the poster after my first post.  I misread your OP saying he already has a live in caregiver.  

Yes, you and your husband are very caring, even tho you might not feel like it sometimes,. I can totally relate. 

As the previous poster said, you need to be firm.  Kind but firm.  He might not understand it right, but you need to be firm. and yes, he might be picky, but if a certain food is all he gets, and he is hungry, he WILL eat it! 

When I had put a note by his phone to only call me once/day, my Dad mistook that as he thought I put something on his phone so that he could only call once/day.... sigh.  But that didn't stop him.  Luckily our home phone has an answering machine and I can see who calls on my cell. 

Many many hugs hugs and prayers. ❤️❤️❤️

[sweetee2]

I sorry for getting you so upset. I know how time consuming  and how exhausting it is. I just have a different option from all of you. I'm  sorry.

[MalteseMomma]

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@sweetee2 wrote:

I sorry for getting you so upset. I know how time consuming  and how exhausting it is. I just have a different option from all of you. I'm  sorry.

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@sweetee2

I totally agree with you. I don't think they are thinking that at 94 he doesn't have many yrs left and soon enough he will be gone from their lives.

I am 80 and I can understand the fathers needs completely and I can only pray my family  steps up to the plate when I need them!

@I am still oxox

Being you have no kids,you cannot imagine what it feels like when your own daughter doesn't answer the phone when you call. I have had that experience and I am still  healthy and active.  It is heartbreaking!  I ask nothing from her .She lives in my  Mother /Daughter  style home

It just may be the last call he ever makes ,and you didn't answer it    

[jackthebear]

have you and your brother asked his physician for resources for the Sr. Citizens in your area after explaining your situation

[RedTop]

My experience within my own family is that this type of behavior is fueled by anxiety.   We dealt with it with my grandmother, MIL, and now my mother.   

All 3 needed the reassurance of being able to reach out to us.   Their neediness and clinginess intensified.   Yes, it has been difficult.  Earlier this year I insisted my mother discuss medication with her doctor, as she had let her anxiety get out of hand, and could barely stand herself.   I could take mom to an appt, and discuss everything that was said on the drive home, and would still get a phone call before bedtime questioning something we discussed in the appt and all the way home.   Hearing me repeat the answer was reassurance that she heard what she thought she heard, that I knew what was going on, and that I was there when she reached out.   

My mother's world of support is very small, and essentially consists of me, and my brothers.   I look out the window at her house every night before I go to bed, and place 2 phones on my dresser just in case she calls.   

[Andreatoo]

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@jackthebear wrote:

have you and your brother asked his physician for resources for the Sr. Citizens in your area after explaining your situation

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@jackthebear

I was going to suggest the same thing. Maybe get a mental health care professional involved? Assuming this behavior is out of character for your father.

But I'm resenting the idea that all old people are incapable of compassion for others or can't take care of themselves! My uncle, who died in September, was 99 years old! He was more concerned with my physical health when I would visit him and here he was with a feeding tube for the last few months of his life!

After my aunt died of cancer eight years ago my uncle took over the yearly Passover seder! In is 90s he insisted on doing all the cooking and entertaining for 30-plus people!

I'm not saying to suspend all concern for the elderly but, barring mental deficiencies, they're the same people they were when they were younger! Patronizing and treating them like they were infants will not get you any gold stars