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Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,258
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Since my Mom passed away nearly three years ago my brother and I visit my 94-year dad every other night. I make dinner and shop for him also. He has a live in caregiver that has been there since before Mom passed away. He is hard of hearing and claims he does not see well.

The past few months have been very rough for my husband and I, he had hip surgery and then broke part or his femur and ended up with an infection the required 6 weeks of IV infusion.

Due to this situation my Dad has become even more instructive in our lives than he was. He calls me 4 times, a day wanting to know where we are and what we are doing (even last week when we tried to get away for two days.). I am feeling so over pressured life this I could scream.

I also have fibromyalgia and a fib. I feel that I am a point in my life that I need to slow down, we have no children.

I cannot say anything to him because that will hurt him.

I am retired and partially disabled and he is unaware of the disability, I know that my husband illness has upset him, but there has to be a limit.

I have been married for 25 years and with my hubby for close to 30 years.

People say oh he is a blessing, yes but he is also frustrating as all get out.

We need to regain that much needed balance in our lives.

 

Any words of wisdom

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive what could go right.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,706
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

Talk to your brother to see if he can help more and cut down on the visiting.  When you want time out, turn off your phone.  I understand you dont want to hurt dad but you need to have a talk with him.  Try meals on wheels for him.

BE THE PERSON YOUR DOG THINKS YOU ARE! (unknown)
Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,258
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Thanks bt neither is a viable solution, Dad is very very picky and lives on a limted diet. we have talked to my broter and he deals with the same thing. Also if we don't answer he will call and call and call until we pick up

 


@Imaoldhippie wrote:

Talk to your brother to see if he can help more and cut down on the visiting.  When you want time out, turn off your phone.  I understand you dont want to hurt dad but you need to have a talk with him.  Try meals on wheels for him.


 

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive what could go right.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 69,642
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

It sounds as though you've been protective of your dad to the detriment of your own lives.  Would there be a problem with you and DH sitting down with him and laying your situations on the line, being honest with him about your condition?  I would tell him that his constant calls are taking up too much of your time and that you will call him late in the afternoon on the days you don't visit.  

 

You are allowing him to be intrusive in your lives; you need to put yourselves back in the driver's seat and take control of your lives.  He may be miffed but I bet he'll get over it.  This situation reminds me of people who let a toddler call the shots because they're afraid he'll have a temper tantrum. 

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

@I am still oxox

 

 

 

 

Oh, boy, do I ever hear you!

 

 

People seem to have this idea that being a caregiver is such a joy.

 

 

The reality of it is, it is hard, hard, work.

 

 

It is frustrating, and drains you of any and all energy that you have.

 

 

Yes, you love them, but sometimes, that loves turns in to resentment, and that's a fact.

 

 

People don't like to acknowledge that, but it can, and does happen.

 

 

 

The caregiver can feel trapped, with little to no recourse.

 

 

 

The only advice that I can give is to try and hang in there, and to demand that you have your own down time, where you can decompress and relax.

 

 

Best of luck to you, as your plate is very, very full.

Regular Contributor
Posts: 175
Registered: ‎07-23-2017

I think you have to remember that he's 94 and he's at the point where he isn't capable of thinking beyond his own needs.  You love him but you are expecting too much from him and placing the "blame" for lack of a better word on him.  Not fair.  He became accustomed to a certain amount of care attention from you are your husband.  Since he already had a live in caretaker, you probably should not have been as involved as you were.  I understand you love him but he depended on that.  It's up to you to step back and put your needs and your husband's needs first.  I imagine it is a blessing to still have your dad but it's also a huge responsibility and work.  Don't say anything to him but establish regular hours for when you visit.  The visits should be convenient for you and your hubby, even if it is only once a week.  But be consistent.  Work with the houskeeper, she's being paid to do certain things for him, so there shouldn't be much that you "have to do" for him.  When you visit you can bring the cookies he likes or pair of his favorite socks.  The special little things but let the care giver  be the care giver.   Also depending on what your father can understand, let him know what is going on with you and your husband.  Explain to him that you aren't young anymore and you have your own age related issues.  I don't think there is much you can do about his phone calls if he can't understand that you have your own issues to deal with.  You can try taking ownership of that by calling him in the morning and again in the evening or late afternoon and then letting his calls go to voicemail.  It's very similar to the situation with children, you have to set boundaries and do what you really have to do for them....not everything they want or you want to do for them.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,223
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Blessing and a curse

[ Edited ]

My only suggestion, BE TRUTHFUL with your dad.  Get him covered for time you and your husband need and want.  If you go away, tell him the plan so he won't call since (you won't answer) be able to be reached.  At that age, they can become more demanding and more needy.  Your needs are just as important.  It just happens.  It's not thought out and they don't mean to be that way, they just can be. Not all are that way.

 

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,873
Registered: ‎07-03-2014

so sorry this is happening to you. i agree with the posters who advised that you speak honestly with your dad and just come right out and tell him what's happening in your lives. he obviously isn't aware of your situation, therefore he's become more intrusive because he doesn't understand your absence. reassure him also that you and your brother will do all you can for him, but there has to be some limits as you have a lot to deal with yourselves. keeping him in the dark doesn't help things on both sides. hopefully things will get better when everything is out in the open. how can he change his ways if he doesn't know what's going on in your lives? all he sees is you not being there for him, so he's feeling hurt and maybe ignored. 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,818
Registered: ‎06-21-2015

I don't know what to say to all your comments. I'm astonish at the level of lack of compassion all have for this poor 94 year old man. He lost his wife, his total companion for I don't know how many years and his probably terrified and lonely.  If it wasn't for him you wouldn't  be here. So what if I calls you 4 times a day. What else have you got going. And by the way I do know what I'm talking about. I took care of my dad for over 4 years with MS in his home. I was there every day and night when he would call me because he could remember if I had been there or not. Sitting boundaries,  are you kidding me, he's 94 years old for heavens sake.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,258
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Blessing and a curse

[ Edited ]

You have no clue what else I have going on, he speaks to my brother once a day - caring is one thing instructive is another, and that is what he has become, I have been trapped and I have NO way to get out of it.

You are painting me like an uncaring ungrateful kid, sorry you really have the wrong idea totally.

I am sorry but you sound like the sucker, and you let your self be walked over, blah blah blah he is your parent but you are not his slave. I am really sorry but you seem to have but yourself in a horrible position. Your holier than thou attitude is really replusive. 

 

 


@sweetee2 wrote:

I don't know what to say to all your comments. I'm astonish at the level of lack of compassion all have for this poor 94 year old man. He lost his wife, his total companion for I don't know how many years and his probably terrified and lonely.  If it wasn't for him you wouldn't  be here. So what if I calls you 4 times a day. What else have you got going. And by the way I do know what I'm talking about. I took care of my dad for over 4 years with MS in his home. I was there every day and night when he would call me because he could remember if I had been there or not. Sitting boundaries,  are you kidding me, he's 94 years old for heavens sake.


 

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive what could go right.