Among Friends

[patbz]

My parents lived in Silver Spring MD when my Dad passed in 1998,; my brother and I lived in CA. I was the executors and my parents' affairs were in very good order. They had an updated trust and no bills and prepaid funerals ( buried at Arlington). My brother and I went to MD. for a couple of days and did everything ( me mostly; I'd been handling their affairs for 13 years). We each shipped a crate to our homes in CA, I hired a realtor my cousin recommended ( she worked for a realtor). My cousin and an aunt volunteered to set up charity pickups, yard sales, delivery of items we gifted to family members. No fee for them was discussed but when house sold I sent each of them a fat check ( they were very happy and surprised).  The house sold quickly as a result of a bidding war ( 2 blocks from Metro line stop). I also arranged to have one of my Mom's longtime care givers fly with her to my town in CA where I put her in a long-term care facility ( I could visit her frequently; she lived for 3 more years). Upon advice of friends who had been executors I didn't share any financial info with my brother ( our styles/ beliefs are very different; that's why my Dad appointed me, not us). When my Mom passed I resolved all estate loose ends within 3 months and sent my brother 50% of proceeds, which was a surprisingly nice amount ( he thanked me profusely for all my hard work). My advice is know everything about the estate and do everything by the book, have a trust, a lawyer and an account.

[Imaoldhippie]

@Goldengate8361 ..............I am sorry for your the loss of your dad.  

I would suggest you and your sister work on the job at different times if possible.  You go first  when you are done then let her come in and clean house so to speak.

Another option might be she does certain rooms and you do certain rooms if you need to work at the same times.

If there is a time crunch then you may have to step up a notch.  But not to the point of exhaustion.

Good luck however you handle it.

[AngelPuppy1]

@Goldengate8361 

I'm very sorry for the loss of your parent.  So hard to go through this.  And then when you are faced with this situation that you are dealing with now.  Thank goodness that you get along well with your sister.  I did not read the other responses, so mine might be duplicates.  A couple things come to mind.  Maybe you could each tackle a separate room so you are not really seeing or impeding what the other is doing.  At the first though, I think it is important to set some basic guidelines.  Tell her that you think it would be easier to designate one common area where you put items which you are both undecided about what to do with -- such as whether who will keep, if it should be donated or gotten rid of.  Also, the particular room that you each do at a time, you should have boxes or piles of things with a clear designation of - keep, donate, throw way, undecided, etc.  Maybe even set a time that you each work before you take a common break.  

[sandy53]

This is such an emotional thing to have to do.  I felt like I was invading my mom's privacy even though she had passed.  It was a difficult time.  That being said, you asked for advice so here's mine:

1.  Taking it slow does not make it easier.  Rip off the bandaid and get it done as soon as possible.

2.  Rent a dumpster and be ruthless.  Charities do not want items that are in poor shape or just junk.

3.  Take pictures of items you like but can't keep.  It's just stuff.  Memories are better.

4.  Realize you might make mistakes and get rid of an item or two that you wish later you would have kept.  But you have to do this so treat each other with grace.

5.  Don't worry about who might want it or who might need it.  Just get rid of what you can't keep.  It does not dishonor your parents to get rid of their stuff.  You loved them, not their stuff.

Good luck.  It's not going to be easy, but it must be done. 

[Eileen in Virginia]

Work to your strengths. When my Aunt died last November, she had already picked a realtor (a husband/wife team) to sell her house. She was a Virginia resident. Since she was being buried at Arlington, we decided to wait until after the funeral to sell her house so other family members could stay there for the funeral. My cousin (a Maryland resident) and I (a Virginia resident) are co-executors and we have different personalities. I tend to be more goal-oriented while he's more deliberative. Despite that, we've settled into a "system" that works for us. I live one town over from my Aunt's house, but it can take my cousin at least 2 hours to get there from his home in Maryland, so I handle most of the routine tasks, pulling him in for the more critical tasks like setting up estate accounts, signing contracts, etc.

Vent to a good friend. One or both of you are going to get on the other's last nerve during the process. It's been very helpful for me to vent to an impartial friend (notice that I didn't say "husband"), especially when we were running up against County deadlines. I've been able to let off steam without damaging my relationship with my cousin. 

Let others help. One of the more onerous tasks we had to do for the estate was completing an inventory of her possessions (personal and financial) for the County. While family members were there for the funeral, I copied inventory pages from the master and labeled one for each room in the house. Everyone took a page/room and completed it. Once they finished a room, they got another one, until we'd completed a sheet for every room. This took us about an hour, but it would've taken me the better part of a day at a minimum. I found a Salvation Army guide for setting the value of donations online and used it to assign a value to the items in the inventory. Also, I had pads of Post-it Notes and markers that we used to label furniture that they wanted from the house while they were there. 

Take advantage of your realtor's contacts. The realtors my Aunt chose were concierge realtors. While their commission wasn't any higher than other realtors, they had a list of proven companies/workmen that they'd used over the years to get houses ready to list. In addition to scheduling the work, they were at the house to meet the workers, ordered and picked up appliances, fixtures, etc. and generally made the process go smoothly. They each had extended cab pickup trucks that really came in handy when we were taking bags of clothing and other items to the thrift shop. I don't know what we would have done without them.

Make a plan. After the family members returned home, my cousin and I met with the realtors to discuss our plan for selling the house. The house was in very good condition, but hadn't been refreshed in years. We set a date for having the house in "empty box" condition. This gave us a deadline to meet and also allowed the realtors to get on the painter's and other workmen's schedules. It also led to the listing date. Although we gave tons of items to family, friends and her church's thrift store, we had some furniture left over because we couldn't find charities that would come into the house to pick them up. Our realtor found a junk removal company that would take anything that could be used by those less fortunate to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. 

Very little is carved in stone. Even though I'm goal oriented, I've kept some items that remind me of my Aunt. If either of you can't part with something for sentimental reasons, that person should take it home with them. They'll either find a place for it in their home or realize that they should donate it. As another poster mentioned, take a picture to preserve the memory if you're going to donate something. 

Being the executor of an estate is very stressful, especially if you're still working. Try to set aside some time to decompress. Good luck!

[Shelbelle]

Take it slow, and make sure everything is split 50/50, I was very careful about that. And make up your minds ahead of time that no matter what you will end up on good terms when all of this is over. 

[Queen of shop]

@Goldengate8361  I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad.

My mom and dad had always had their will with my older sister and I as co-executrix. Dad passed first and mom kept the will stating my sister and I to remain as co-executrix.

Well, life can be funny after the mom's and dad's pass. My sister and I no longer speak to each other. We only made it eight months after mom passed. It's been 6 1/2 years. This was after clearing out our childhood home together for five solid months and selling it. We left a lot of the furniture for the new buyers. They were happy about that, The home was actually in a bidding war and we got a lot more that we asked for.

My sister and I had at least three pretty good dust ups at the home. And BTW, it wasn't my sister that was the instigator, but rather my horrible brother-in law, her husband. But my mom and dad were ALWAYS hip to him and his ways.

I seemed to remember the expression, "choke on it" used a lot by me.Ha.

So, I wish you great luck. Sometimes things go haywire. Just try to stay focused and remember who is in charge. It's not going to be easy I will tell you that. Keep your emotions in check over just some "material things"" that won't matter in the long run. Rent a dumpster and just heave it all. Take pictures of stuff that you might have a hard time with and then toss it. You are the daughter, and I as a daughter had to go through this too. Ultimately that's what children have to do when our parents pass. I was happy to sew up my parents legacy with great integrity, honesty, love and strength. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Peace and strength to you. If you have faith, rely on it. I took many Hail Mary breaks going through this.

[Blueridge Liz]

My husband and I did this when my mother died. It was quite sudden as she wasn't ill. We volunteered to do it since we had just retired. There are three of us girls. At the time we girls lived on East  Coast, Denver and Dallas. My husband and I told everyone to take what they wanted and identify the furniture they wanted. We would ship the furntire. 

The difficult sister only wanted a check. The other sister deferred to us.

it took 30 days to do this. The neighbors manned the garage sale because I couldn't emotionally handle that part. We split the proceeds with them. 

The proceeds paid for the shipping of furniture to Dallas as that's where  the interested parties lived.  

My mother's lawyer was a great help. He even facilitated the sale of the house to my Mother's  minister.

We cleaned the house and walked away. I was much better emotionally when we locked the door and left. 

[CalminHeart]

Why would you and your sister have to work or function the same way? Do what you do and let her do what she does best. 

My dad died this past Christmas. There are 7 siblings and we all worked to help clear out the house and prep it for sale. Each one of us has different skills and methods/styles of working.

In my case, everyone did their part in their own way. We all worked hard, laughed, talked, shared memories and made it through without any disagreements or hurt feelings. 

[Gabidog]

Appreciate that you have a sister there to help you.  Work style matters little.  My sister hated me and made life difficult when mom passed.  I hold no grudge but simply wish things could have been better with her since she was my only sibling...now gone too.  Love what you share and get thru a difficult time for you both.