Among Friends

[Goldengate8361]

My father (last parent) passed away in July. It's now time for my sister and I to clear out his house and sell it. I'm the executrix and, so far, everything is going smoothly. My sister and I get along very well, but we have very different work styles and personalities. I'm sentimental; she's not. I'm business-minded: she's not. I tend to work in binges and I'm super productive in short amounts of time. She's slow. The emotions of this are overwhelming. I know many of you have probably been through this. Do you have any tips or suggestions? 

[LTT1]

@Goldengate8361 

Yes I have been through this.

My brother is executor of the will.

I was living in a different state and did not make a trip there.

Will think if I have any suggestions or not.

[Travone]

@Goldengate8361 

Sorry you are going through this.   We went through this last year, (3siblings].  My advice,  just breathe.  When you are getting frustrated with each other,  take a moment and breathe,  don't snap at each other.   Both of you are going through a very difficult situation.  Perhaps divide up the work and work in separate rooms  or a separate times.   You don't want to say anything to each other that may affect your future relationship.   Without the parents binding you together it is easy to fall away from each other.   My siblings and I  make it a point to get together at least once a month  now.  Good luck. 

One other thing if you are working together take a few moments every time to remember the good times of the family. 

[on the bay]

My sister and I did this several times when our mother moved, and selling her house for her and then later when she was no longer here.

We get along very well too. I am more like you in terms of being fast but sentimental. But we both would get overwhelmed with the amount of papers, books, you know everything.

She had hired one of those people who will sell things at estate sales,or donate.But we still had to sort everything.

But even if you don't hire someone for the selling etc. the most important and also wonderful thing I've retained from these times was we supported each other's feelings, sometimes laughing together when we decided or commented on things that we wouldn't imagine saving.

Just let it all flow. Take the stress out of it all by making this moment a time to be together, love each other and you'll hopefully remember it as a very good memory you both shared, making you closer than ever.

All the details kind of get beyond the wayside. You won't have to do this everyday. Treasure the time together and know you are honoring your father by doing this together with love.  

[CarolinaGirl88]

@Goldengate8361 I'm very sorry for your recent loss. My dad passed 3 years ago, but my mom, thankfully, is still living. She's nearly 80, but still in the family home, so I haven't been through this yet. I do have friends and cousins that have though, and based on their experiences, I think @Travone's advice is spot-on. It's easy to snap at each other when people are stressed, so the advice about keeping your relationship front and center is great. I would only add maybe getting her to set a daily or weekly goal of what you want to accomplish (which rooms/parts of the house, etc.) Also, you may want to go on your own and just go ahead and take what you know want to keep from each room, since you're the sentimental one. My cousins did this and it made the work go faster later. Best wishes to you and your sister. 

[Icegoddess]

Yes, we went through that about 10 years ago.  I don't remember if the Will specified an Executrix.  There really wasn't much to it, basically named us and said we were to split it.  Most of his finances were Transfer on Death, so that was EZ Peasy.  His financial advisor split it down the middle for us as did the banks. 

I got into an argument with the lawyer who wanted to freeze his bank account.  I wanted his bills to come out of it, and mine and my sister's names were on the account.  The bank was on my side and called his office and said she wouldn't freeze it.  

I took the checkbook and his wallet home with me when we met for the funeral.  I'm glad I did, especially the wallet.  I was the one who made all the phone calls about accounts and needed the info in his wallet.  Mostly, I just didn't want that big checkbook sitting out on the dining room table in an empty house. 

We both live about 2 hours away in opposite directions, so we just went when we could and worked on what we felt comfortable doing.  We often went at different times, but when we were there together, we were usually in different areas of the house doing things.  She knew a Realtor she graduated High School and had kept in touch with, so she handled that part of it.  

I also brought home all the photo albums.  I scanned all the pics and then let her have the albums.  I think I kept a few of my own pics out of it.  

[Mom2Dogs]

@Goldengate8361   My sympathies on your loss.  I have been thru this -my cirucumstance is different...mom lived 3.5 hours from me and two siblings and my brother lived across the country so we had to divide up and clean out very quickly.

BUT, if you and your sister are in the same area do you feel you both need to be in the house together all the time?  Maybe sometimes work together and other times each work on your own at your own pace....I would take a room at a time.

You could make a pile if you are working alone to see if each other wants 'something' that you would pitch or she would pitch, that sister can decide to keep or not...if no one wants it then it goes to the trash or another homeowner.

My siblings and I drew straws on how to divide up her things...it was fair, there were five of us and all very different personalties.  We put like items in a pile and drew straws, first short/long straw got first pick and on down, there were no arguments.  

BEFORE we drew straws we each had the opportunity to choose 1 item we REALLY wanted to take home...larger items such as china, a piece of furniture, etc.  That went well no arguments.

We siblings do not get along but I will say our dividing up and cleaning out process went well, using the method I stated.

Good luck,

[Kachina624]

I was executrix of my parent's  estate.  They were very organized and got rid of junk and sold the house before they died.  I put all the family antique furniture, China and momentoes on a North American Van Lines truck as a short load and shipped to my sister (1800 miles away) who has daughters who will appreciate them.

The leftovers ended up in my garage which is crammed full, and therein lies the problem.  I lost MY storage space and don't have the energy or strength to go through it and clear it all out.  I don't even know what all is out there.  I don't have any help.

Get rid of everything, one way or another or you may be stuck with it.

[CelticCrafter]

I it myself and at my own pace.

My sister couldn't do it or help, she was too emotional and too caught up in grief.

My brother lived in another state and when he did question the timeline I told him he could move back and handle it any way he wanted to.  That shut that down real fast.

[Mom2Dogs]

@Kachina624   Do you not have a friend/acquaintance that would help you go thru things?  

When my close friend's husband died suddenly 5ish years ago, I helped her go thru things as she cleaned out her house to gift to one of her kids.  

She and her kids went thru the personal things of their dad but I helped her with house hold things.  I know she appreciated my help and I was more than happy that she asked me.