Wellness

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 2/3/2014 chrystaltree said:

Remember, a funeral isn't for the deceased, it's for their loved ones.

I totally agree.

Dot, do what you feel is right. Others have no reason or right to judge you. You are the one caring for your mother, and you are the one footing the bill. Spending a lot of money will not bring your mother back after she has passed. Obviously, you want to honor her memory, but there is no need to put yourself into debt doing so. Ask your other relatives if they would like to help; if they are not willing to help, do what you can afford to do.

[betteb]

On 2/3/2014 Rock_chick said:

I would want the cheapest thing possible if it were me. Don't let yourself feel guilty.

ITA. I have told my family, do not bury an expensive box. I want direct cremation. Ashes to ashes. I see no point in spending thousands for a funeral.

If they choose to gather, please, have a celebration of my life, of the person I was. Remember the good things and try not to be sad.

[Lindsays Grandma]

I haven't read all the posts but I agree 100% with the ones who suggest a graveside service. You are taking care of your mother in life with no assistance from your siblings of whom you owe nothing. There would be no reason to feel guilty if you opt for a graveside service and you can be proud of yourself for the love and care you give to your mother. God bless you for being such a caring daughter.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 2/4/2014 betteb said:

On 2/3/2014 Rock_chick said:

I would want the cheapest thing possible if it were me. Don't let yourself feel guilty.

ITA. I have told my family, do not bury an expensive box. I want direct cremation. Ashes to ashes. I see no point in spending thousands for a funeral.

If they choose to gather, please, have a celebration of my life, of the person I was. Remember the good things and try not to be sad.

I told my family the same thing. Do what is cheapest, unless it makes you feel better to do otherwise. (I don't care what is done, as I won't "be there" anymore.) It won't really be about me--in the sense that I will neither suffer nor benefit--it will be about the people who are left behind.

[D Oro]

I too vote for the gravesite service. My mother has outlived every sibling and all of her friends. She has nieces and nephews and most of her children. I've already pre-paid for the funeral and I have a file with her requests. It will be a simple service. We are giving her ""flowers while she is living"". So there will be no guilt on my part.

[Deadeye Daisy]

Definitely try to forgo the viewing and possibly go for a graveside service. Our mother passed away just after her 95th birthday. She actually had my brother and I take photos of caskets for her 'pre-approval'. Wanted to know who would be coming to her funeral service. Jokingly told her that everyone she knew had long since passed, and she would have to settle for her two remaining children, grandchildren and nephews. She outlived her only brother, her husband, two sisters-in-law, one brother-in-law, one child, 3 grandchildren and a great-granddaughter.

We requested no flowers, just donations to St. Jude's. There were two floral pieces - one from my brother and myself, the second from the grandchildren. (Took a lot of talking to convince the suited bodies from corporate NOT to send flowers for Mother).

She didn't want a church service, so we went with the graveside service followed by a dinner at a local restaurant for 54 of us. (You only THINK no one will show up at a service for a 95 year old woman; WRONG. Fortunately, the owners of the restaurant were obliging; we called from 47 miles away to ask if we could change the number in the party from 21 to 54. One thing I love about NJ diners - they can easily handle a change like that with no problem. They just moved us from a small room downstairs to the upstairs party room. Understand, we're Irish. That's what we do when someone passes. Actually, the norm would be to have the wake at the local tavern.

None of this was my or DH's thing. When our son passed, we did direct cremation with NO service or memorial at all, as was his wish.

DH and I signed up for Anatomy gifts a number of years ago. Total cost - $25 each if you want the cremains of your loved ones returned to you. That's because the USPS has strict regulations about shipping cremains. If you are not at home to receive them, they are put back into a locked bag, and then into a locked area of the local post office.

Since his passing, I still travel a lot. I've scattered small amounts of DH's ashes in some of the places where we had some very memorable vacations. The gardens of the current Silent Night chapel in Oberndorf, Hohenschwangau, Hamburg, Mijas, Seville, Vienna, Cinderella Castle and the Wedding chapel at Disney World (we spent a lot of time there - 3 or 4 times a year). Had our vow renewal at the Wedding chapel at WDW. Bennettsville, SC at the church where we married. Let's not forget the Jack Daniel's Distillery in TN. DS took some to Disneyland in FL. Next fall, I'll head to Calistoga where we went on our first balloon flight, and where I got it in my blood to get certified to pilot one. Eventually to Grand Canyon, Lanai & New England.

We belong to that group who consider funerals as barbaric. Funerals were for times when it took a whole day to go 10 miles by buggy.

Now you can go halfway around the world in a day.

These days, if you don't take time out of your day to visit friends and relatives while they're living, why on earth would you want to do it after they're gone?

Flowers are for the LIVING. The deceased can't appreciate them. Instead of sending a gaudy, expensive floral piece to someone's funeral, stop by once a week when they're still alive and bring fresh flowers, candy, a book, plant, something tasty that you've baked or even a beta in a small container.

[violann]

On 2/2/2014 terrier3 said:

I would also go with the graveside service.

We did that for my aunt. She died unexpectedly in her sleep at age 76. but she had pre-planned everything.

She had told me she wanted to be buried in a nightgown and robe she had bought for the occasion. She had them stored in a place where I could find them, with the tags still on them. She didn't want notice in the paper either and no Mass. So we did as she wanted, her BIL lead prayers and it was just those closest to her.

That's what I want too...quiet and private.

You are honoring your mother by caring for her while she is alive and needs you. That is way more important than any ceremony after she is gone.

Terrier, please accept my sincere thanks. Your post has relieved me of an enormous burden. I can't describe why because the subject is so emotional I've never even told DH my closest ally, but it's an example of why we all must be aware of the fact that for good or for bad, our posts can be important to those who read them. Thanks again.

[Desertdi]

I had a pre-arranged burial for my mother........but instead of a local service, I paid for shipment to IL to be buried next to my father. There are no friends left there, and only ONE relative..............