Wellness

[Himi lover]

Persephonel, please listen to the people expressing their opinion that your brother has a drinking problem. Alcohol may create that numb, pleasant feeling so your problems don't seem so bad, but that kind of drinking leads to bigger problems and it does sound to me that he is probably an alcoholic. I've had some experience with a member of my family so it's not like I'm unfamiliar with this subject. Alcoholics are sneaky and manipulative as was said above. Like that one poster said, "it's your way or the highway". Good luck with this. You are in a very uncomfortable situation.

[missy1]

Yes. Unless they disrupt your daily life with their drinking.

[Mominohio]

On 3/14/2015 Persephonel said:

On 3/14/2015 kcladyz said:

I am sorry but 2 beers a day is not a drinking problem. 2 beers is normal. Now if it was a whole 6 pack a day or more then i would think it is bad. I think you are over reacting by leaps and bounds but again it is your house so you can always ask him to go to a bar or move

its 2 large size beers like they have at trader joes . they are almost the size of a bottle of wine!

And two of anything alcohol related EVERY DAY is sign of a problem. There is nothing 'normal' about people who have to consume alcohol daily.

[queendiva]

Your brother is an adult. He is responsible for the choices he makes as well as their consequences. Drinking while driving. Completely irresponsible and unacceptable. Drinking led directly to the loss of his license and maybe his job and marriage. If that's not a man with a drinking problem, then what would you call it? Down on his luck? I don't think so!

The quantity of alcohol consumed is less a "red flag" than the frequency, which in his case is daily. If you know how much he drinks at night, what makes you think he is not drinking during the day?

In addition, what is he doing to earn his keep in your home? If he is working as a substitute teacher, he has time to look for full time employment. He should also get a part time job on weekends. When not working for pay, he should be cooking and cleaning for you. You should come home each day to a clean house, clean yard and dinner. He needs a hand up, although he may be asking for a hand out from you. That fact that you even asked about his drinking indicates to me that he is causing a problem for you. His behavior is disrespectful to you. He needs to Man Up today. Sounds like a talk with Bro is overdue. Making him work around the house as you do is the least he can do for you and will give him a chance to take some responsibility, grow up, show gratitude and improve his self esteem- all things required to get him "back on his feet" Have the talk with him today. He either Mans Up or Packs Up. His choice.

Good Luck OP. You are caring and loving sister. Do NOT let him take advantage of you!

[HerRoyaLioness]

If your brother can't even not have a drink for one night, he has a problem with alcohol. Based on my experience in dealing with alcoholics, he is drinking way more than what you think he is.

Just the fact that he "needs to get his life in order" and needs to live with someone indicates he can't function anymore on his own. He has a serious problem.

He will try and turn the issue around and blame you for anything that takes the attention away from his drinking problem. Don't let him do that to you.

I could tell you what I would do, after having gone through this, but you need to decide that for yourself.

I can tell you - let him hit his bottom, don't try to rescue him from his own consequences of drinking - let it be HIS problem and only then may he do something about it. It has already become your problem because you graciously are allowing him to live with you.

Usually being kind and helping out is not the best thing for an alcoholic - they can continue to drink while being taken care of. They will lie, and lie and then lie some more, so be cautious as to what you believe from him. He will make every excuse under the sun as to why this or that didn't work out.

If he decides to go for treatment - and you can be so clear and straightforward about this to him, then support him all you can.

My best to you.......

Forgot to add that you may find it very helpful for yourself to go to an Al-Anon meeting, where they are all dealing with loved ones who have alcohol or addiction issues.

[queendiva]

OP: re-read Lannie's post. She has obviously ""been there and done that.""

[Gayle2]

House rules need to be settled before the guest arrives. If it wasn't discussed, I would let it ride for now and cut him some slack. You can settle it the right way next time if he decides to visit.

[Campion]

Yes, it's ok not to have him over.

1. One bottle of wine or a lot of beers and being emphatic about not going without is sadly, alcohol dependence. A person who was simply enjoying alcohol but not dependent would come over and if there was no alcohol, would simply go without. A dependent drinker would have a problem. He has a problem.

2. He's recruiting you to drink rather than respecting your lifestyle. Another sign of alcoholism.

3. Even if he doesn't appear woozy, he is still likely to be an alcoholic. Many alcoholics are maintenance alcoholics; they drink to maintain a certain level of blood alcohol but are dependent, nonetheless.

4. If they should get into a car accident after leaving, and you served them or they made a case you served them the alcohol, you could be liable in some states --called "social host liability." They might lie and say YOU served it, even if they brought it and drank it.

Summary: You have a right to set the rules in your house. If it's a no-alcohol rule, then it's the rule and guests should respect it. If they CAN'T respect it, they don't respect YOU. Why have someone over that doesn't respect you?

[queendiva]

OP: You say that your brother is "staying with me for a while". Best to put an end date on that stay now, or a while will have no reason to end.

[KarenQVC]

OP--Now I see this is not going to end well. This is the responsibility of your brother and the VA. Please call the following #s and ask for help getting your brother services and another place to live:

National Caregiver Support Line--1-855-260-3274

National Veterans Crisis Line--1-800-273-8255, Press 1

San Diego VA Mental Health--1-858-642-3391

San Diego VA Social Work--1-858-642-3671

You need backup, OP, and it is the responsibility of the VA to give it. As in any bureaucracy, you may need to call several numbers to get any help. Be persistent.