I spend a lot of time with seniors in memory care units so I really relate to how you feel. I'll pass along a few things I have found that help me.
When I visit I find their happiness is often where their memory is strongest...in the past. Since you are friends for a long duration, you have shared many memories from years long ago. Use those memories as the focus of your visits. She will likely remember much of the experiences you share and will find comfort in being able to discuss them with you. Let her help you fill in the details of times long past. Ask her if she remembers when you did (fill in a memory) and if she does, tell her you just can't remember (fill in some detail...when it was, where it was, who was there, etc.) Let her feel she is helping you remember those good times you shared. She may fill in details incorrectly - or remember things differently than you, but let her be right. There is so much that leaves people with dementia feeling uncertain and so many people are always trying to correct their thinking - it only frustrates them more, and leaves you sad to see them frustrated. You can lift them up by letting them feel confidence in their memories - accurate or not, accuracy is not important in kindness. I often say to them - you remember so much more detail than I do so I just love talking with you about our adventures. Or, I just knew you would know and be able to fill in the blanks for me. Build her up and you will feel so good when you see her smile. You won't want to cry when you see her happy.
I also find they like to play easy thinking games. One I use that they all have enjoyed uses the alphabet as the basis, and then you just pick different categories on different visits. For example...let's see how many ladies (or men's) names we can come up with in alphabetical order - then take turns going around the room....You start...Ann, someone else might say Beth, next person may say Cindy, next may be Diane, etc. It exercises their mind, keeps them thinking, draws from long known words and when you praise them (oh, that's a good choice, I would never have thought of that name, or that was a tricky one and you knew right away, or, you can do it so quickly - I really have to think hard to come up with my answer, etc.) - then they feel good, are having fun and often smile or laugh. And every one is equal. You can make it more advanced another day by alternating between a male name and then a female name (Andrea, Bob, Caroline, Dan, etc.). You can also do alpha foods, clothes, cities, etc. I haven't met a senior yet that doesn't enjoy this game. It helps them use their brain (which doesn't happen much in memory units because everything is taken care of for them). It also often leaves every laughing because you are having fun. It is hard to cry when you are having fun. Singing old songs is another good way to get smiles & have fun and if someone can't sing on key (that's me) it brings laughter, too.
Your friend is a very lucky lady to have you as her friend. So many residents in memory units never, or rarely, have visitors. People tend to think they won't remember if I visit anyway. In the time someone is there, they bring joy to the heart of their loved one - even if it may not be remembered once they are gone it is still etched in their hearts. You just never know what they remember, or when they might remember...but it is there. She is also giving you memories you will treasure for years, even if it seems now like you won't want to remember her like this. This time in your lives is a very valuable part of your entire friendship. Bless you for keeping your friendship alive & well during the hard times...that is a true friend.
Sorry this was so long. Hope it helps.
Snarky responders need not reply. Move along and share your views elsewhere.
Blogs & Forums
