I need to stop crying...

Flatbush · ‎07-18-2015

I have a friend of long duration.She is in a memory care home. My problem is crying. When I go to see and spend some time with her. I don't want to cry, and I have pinched myself HARD, but it didn't help. I would appreciate any tips and yes, I cry at everything sad. I go with another close friend, but she said she cries inside and I cry on the outside. I don't want my friend who is ill to see me cry, so I need help.TIA.

fortune · ‎03-14-2010

@Flatbush wrote:
I have a friend of long duration.She is in a memory care home. My problem is crying. When I go to see and spend some time with her. I don't want to cry, and I have pinched myself HARD, but it didn't help. I would appreciate any tips and yes, I cry at everything sad. I go with another close friend, but she said she cries inside and I cry on the outside. I don't want my friend who is ill to see me cry, so I need help.TIA.

@Flatbush

Could you just tell your ill friend that you are crying because you are so happy to see her?

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

Since she is in the memory care unit I assume the dementia is advanced? It is very difficult for the friends and family to watch a loved one slip away like this. I also assume it is a lock down unit. Oddly that lock down is freedom for the dementia patient. They get to move around, and there is no fear of them eloping. When any dementia patient is kept in a regular unit it is very frustrating for them, because they have to be watched and constantly redirected.

I know it is painful, but she is in the best place to keep her safe. I hope this gives you some comfort.

kitcat51 · ‎09-15-2016

I take a few minutes to remember it's about them, not me & I need to control my emotions...if I need to cry I do it alone at home. I Wish Your Friend Peace & Blessings. Take care @Flatbush.

violann · ‎03-10-2010

Or maybe the tears are because you miss her so. I find that with the kinds and numbers of losses I’ve experienced during the past few years, the loss of the DO for whom I’m responsible is almost unmanageable.

I’ve encouraged myself to focus on the little flashes of who she still is whenever I visit, often every day or every other day.

If your friend is in a locked MC unit, it is really unlikely that she will associate your reactions with her situation, and even if she does, her perspective will likely be very quickly forgotten by her.

As I’m sure you already know, your friend’s own reactions may be fluctuating pretty broadly from visit to visit. Would it help you to focus on how she’s acting on any given day that you happen to be with her? You might say “Wow (friend’s name), you sure look bright eyed today! Are you going to the concert later?” etc.

The bottom line is, she’s probably happy to see you no matter whether you cry a little or or not. Focusing carefully on how you find her may help you sort of get around your own reactions.

BLESS YOU for going, even though the experience makes you sad. It’s typically the hardest thing I have to do, but I REFUSE to stop. I

ID2 · ‎06-25-2012

I cry easily too. But now that I'm older, I learned how to control my emotions. Its a learned thing. Stick to your guns and get your emotions under control when you need to. If I need to cry, I now know how to hold it to do it in private.

"Pure Michigan"

LillyBee2 · ‎06-07-2019

It's really hard to control emotions when it's so painful to watch someone slip away. I can only believe she appreciates your visits, crying and all. My mom suffers from dementia, she lives with me. We talk about it, and cry as she has moments of clarity. The thing is, she doesn't remember the conversations. I just think she knows I'm here and we are close. Your friend will feel that way to I'm sure. I think it's almost worse for the family and friends, it's such a horrible disease. Your a very kind friend and and she knows your sensitivity. It's ok to cry.

KingstonsMom · ‎03-09-2010

@Flatbush

Prior to your visit, maybe you could just sit and reflect about your friend's condition and how sad you know the visit will make you feel, that way you can have a good cry before your visit.

I can understand why you wish you didn't cry while you're with her, which could upset her.

You're a kind and thoughtful friend to think of her feelings before your own, by not wanting to cry when you're with her!

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

IMW · ‎06-15-2014

@Flatbush Is there any activity you can do together? Watch

tv, color , walk, play cards(pretend) take her outside to eat. Maybe that will change the tone of the visit. Did that with my father.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

Not sure what state she's in so it's hard to say. Before going I would get it into my head that I was going there and I'd be happy to see her and spend time with her. Think of a funny story you can tell her about something that happened during the week. Try to treat your visit just like you would if she was in the hospital for a knee replacement or something.

If she's in a condition where she's not even making sense I'd say just go with it. I knew someone that went through issues just during a hospital stay do to all sorts of stuff. To keep our sanity we just went a long with whatever nonsense was being said. It was sad a scary but it made it somewhat tolerable to just carry on wild conversations.