Wellness

[NycVixen]

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@magicmoodz wrote:

@NycVixen  

From what you have shared, it sounds as if your mother suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.  I mean this in the kindest and gentlest way, but can you recognize she isn't being mean to be mean, but rather because she is sick?

I have a friend whose mother had several breakdowns and attempted suicides when she reached a milestone birthday.  Initially my friend could not accept that her mom was sick and would often lament "why can't she snap out of it?".  It's not that easy and her mom never was the same beautiful, vibrant, fun, free-spirited woman she once was.

I just read you can't afford therapy.  I don't know if this would help, but I believe in self talk with daily affirmations. I actually keep a journal writing my affirmations in calligraphy and adding any art that inspires me.  When I write something it is more helpful than just reading the same thing.

I wish you good days ahead.  Sincerely. 

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@magicmoodz I think you may be right. It does sound like she may have that disorder. That is exactly how she behaves. I will try to shift my mindset as you suggested. But unfortunately, I have to walk away and focus on being happy and achieving my goals. She's trying to hold me back.

I will try your approach of daily affirmations. Thanks for reading my posts and sharing your insights. They were very helpful. 

I found an article that gives an overview of the disease. It's very accurate:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-mother

[RedTop]

There are many sad stories here, and reading them makes me feel even more blessed to have a loving mother (and father) who wanted children, made us feel special every day, and did their very best to set us on the right path in our lives.  

For the last 15 years, a really good friend of mine has shared her stories of a troubled relationship with her mother that equals many of what I've read here.   After hearing most of her stories multiple times, I pushed her to have a talk with her pastor.   

The last visit I had with my friend, I could tell before she even said anything she has found peace with her situation.   Her words to me were, "I'm a grown ****** woman now, and I'm letting go of this once and for all".  

For years my friend mistakenly thought she was the problem, when the true problem is with her very unhappy mother.   Her mother was born in the early 1930's, very poor family, and lived a hard life.   She was pushed out of the house to marry at 15, with an 8th grade education, 5 kids in 8 years, living the exact same type of life she had known at home.   The one thing that was always missing in the mother's life, was love.   She never felt loved at home, never felt it in her marriage, and never knew how to show love to her children or grandchildren.   Life has made her bitter and very resentful, which has worsened with age,  serious health issues, and now alone.   

Thru friendships with older women at her church, my friend finally understands the hardships of her mother's life, and did not walk away.   Their relationship is quite civil, and my friend accepts things as they are, and no long looks for the ideal loving mother she wanted so badly for 63 years.   

[NycVixen]

@RedTop  I honestly think you have hit the nail on the head. What your friend went through, my mom more or less went through it especially the part of not being loved at home or in her marriage. My mom is bitter and unfortunately I'm one of her main targets.

Right now I need to walk away to save myself; I'm in an extremely fragile emotional state. I'm dealing with the grief of my recent miscarriage. It was my second and the baby was very well along. Her lack of support and blaming me once again for it in addition to her criticism is too much for me to take. I'm healing and trying to move on so I can try again. Every time that I'm a little better, she says something to make me lose any ground I've gained.

I don't think she's ever going to seek help but I will once I'm able. I need to set boundaries and basically make my life my priority for the time being. Thanks so much for sharing. Hopefully we can have a more positive relationship. I need to stop looking for the ideal, loving mother. That is how I can finally be free.

[Lilysmom]

@NycVixen, I agree that your focus right now should be on yourself.  Get everything ok with yourself before you tackle the larger issue.  It's called self preservation and I hope that you find the peace and strength you deserve.  Compartmentalize until you are ready to move to issues outside your immediate well being.

I was blessed with an amazing mother.  I do have a sister though that is a real piece of work but that's a story for another time.  

I send you my best wishes on your journey.  LM

[Group 5 minus 1]

You are kinda young. The best thing to do (unless your Mom lives w/you) is to do nothing.

Just getta life!!!

[RedTop]

@NycVixen,

Since my girlfriend changed her way of thinking, she has had several "duh" moments that have opened her eyes. 

My friend knew her maternal grandmother, and described her as a "mean" woman, who was known to hit/beat her husband, children and grandchildren with a broom handle.   As my friend pieced memories of her grandmother and mother together, she realized there were no happy memories.   In quizzing her mother, my friend heard exactly what she needed to hear to explain their relationship clearly, and knows it is unrealistic to expect her mother to change.

My friend always felt her mother was so much harder on her than the other kids.   However, my friend was very close to her dad, and when the mother admitted her husband had always favored my friend over their other kids, my friend knew her mother was resentful and jealous of the father daughter relationship.  

Over the last year, my friend has worked thru years of issues without paying a therapist, and found peace.  She knows she cannot expect her 85 year old mother to show her love and support, because her mother does not know how.   My friend realizes her mother grew up in a home without love, and had a long, but loveless marriage, so expecting her to give love when she doesn't know what love feels like is an unfair expectation.   For my friend, it came down to accepting that it is what it is.  

I sincerely wish you the best in your search for inner peace.   Yes, you will always love your mother, but may have to accept that she cannot return love in the supportive, reassuring way you need it.   Whatever circumstances shaped your mother into who she is, cannot be changed now.  First and foremost, you must take care of yourself.   Please concentrate on moving forward, and finding your own happiness.   Hugs and prayers to you.

[NycVixen]

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@ncascade wrote:

You are kinda young. The best thing to do (unless your Mom lives w/you) is to do nothing.

Just getta life!!!

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@Group 5 minus 1  This actually made me laugh. It's so obvious that you need your own advice.

[Hayfield]

NycVixen--I'm sorry that your mother isn't the kind of mother that you should have, the kind that everyone should have, a loving one.  My mother and I were fine until I grew up and got married and moved away, then the trouble started.  She was very unhappy about it.  Her plan was for me to marry but stay in the same town.  The guy I married had a job, a good job about 4 hours away.  I went home as much as I could and did what I could but it wasn't enough.  I'm a mother myself now, and I try really hard not to be like her, to support my two children in any way I can.  They're adults now and I feel lucky to have a good relationship with them but neither did what I wanted them to do, but unlike my mother, I respect their decisions, they're adults and it's their lives to live they way they want to.  Good luck to you, I wish you the best.  

[KLm]

@NycVixen.........Understanding why someone is the way they are, sympathizing with their circumstances is all well and good.  For them.  And it can at times help to know that someone is a narcissist. Mostly so you can avoid them at all costs.

Your job right now is to heal yourself. You're mourning the loss of your baby.  That's more than huge. Take it one day at a time. Throw out anything and everyone who doesn't lift you up. Life is too short for anything else.

[NycVixen]

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@Hayfield wrote:

NycVixen--I'm sorry that your mother isn't the kind of mother that you should have, the kind that everyone should have, a loving one.  My mother and I were fine until I grew up and got married and moved away, then the trouble started.  She was very unhappy about it.  Her plan was for me to marry but stay in the same town.  The guy I married had a job, a good job about 4 hours away.  I went home as much as I could and did what I could but it wasn't enough.  I'm a mother myself now, and I try really hard not to be like her, to support my two children in any way I can.  They're adults now and I feel lucky to have a good relationship with them but neither did what I wanted them to do, but unlike my mother, I respect their decisions, they're adults and it's their lives to live they way they want to.  Good luck to you, I wish you the best.  

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@Hayfield Your post really opened me eyes. My mother always had a problem when I began a new relationship so she definitely has a similar issue as your mom. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

However, your story is more akin to my MIL. It seems that she's still upset her son didn't go back home after studying abroad (he married me). I showed him your post and he said either she accepts it or we just move on with our life. It's been 5 years and she's still icy towards me. We've been through a lot and he said we can't be tied down by her expectations or anyone else's.  Enough is enough. 

I don't understand why there seem to be so many selfish parents out there. From what I understand, the goal of parenting is to bring your children up to be 100% independent; the goal is for them not to need you because you will be gone one day. Children are supposed to go off on their own without their parents and then come back to take care of them when the time comes.