Wellness

[NycVixen]

My mom and I have always had a negative relationship. For the last several years, I've been trying to finally cut off the relationship because It's just toxic. However, as a normal child, I look for her advice and guidance when I need it only to be belittled and criticized at times in the most insensitive and hurtful manner.

I need some advice on how to finally stop needing to reach out to her. It always exacerbates my life but even though she's been horrible to me, I still love her.

Please for those that understand, kindly offer some advice so I can cut the cord. I know therapy is probably the best answer. I spoke to a social worker when I had my miscarriage and she said I was doing ok. This is just the last thing I need to do. I just need some tips on how to deal with it asap before I can do something more long term.

Thanks in advance. I'm 30 if that helps.

[Just Bling]

So sorry, not every relationship is meant to be but Dr Laura

wrote a book   Bad Childhood...Good Life.

I understand this book is so valuable it will help anyone to seeks help.

I also would look up her number and call the show in the afternoon's, I understand you can also send an e-mail, I think a professional is the way to go.

[lolakimono]

@NycVixen

I thought you might like this-

[terriebear]

Your mom sounds a lot like mine.  For my 30th birthday, AND after a couple of years of therapy I wrote a 5 page letter WITH the help of my therapist to my mother.  I set out the boundaries for our relationship.  She would no longer criticize how I handled my finances, how my house was cleaned, how I Iooked, how I dressed my kids, my relationship with my husband etc. IF she wanted any kind of relationship with me.  My mom came unglued and didn't speak to me for 2 years.  I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  After 2 years, she finally apologized, and stopped.  A social worker is not a therapist. She helped me work through years of verbal and mental abuse, and I realized it was not my fault, and I gained back some self respect.  I went a total of 5 years.  It was the best money I ever spent. I hope you will do the same to realize you are worth it. 

[2blonde]

I like Terriebear's suggestion.  Write that letter and let her know how you feel.  She can then make her own choice whether to change her behavior or break off the relationship.  It sounds like you have already made your choice.

[alicedee]

If you still feel compelled to keep reaching out to her....even though your past experience tells you it is not going to end well...makes this situation too complex for anyone here to give you an easy answer.

I agree that you should talk to a therapist and work through it.

[SXMGirl]

@NycVixen, many people grew up with mothers just like yours and it can be very difficult.  I left home at 17 for that reason.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, I had other people's mothers to help me, along with my grandmother.   I would have loved to have a mother who loved me or even liked me, but those were the cards that I was dealt.

My suggestion is to take care of yourself, and that could mean keeping your distance or even terminating the relationship.  I would suggest that you be more assertive and love yourself.  That can mean many things.  Make yourself into the best person that you can possibly be.  Will it replace having a wonderful mother?  No; but once you feel really good about yourself, you will not need her validation or advice.

I wish you a happierand successful life.

[magicmoodz]

[Still keeper of the koi]

@NycVixen,  unfortunately  in life, there are people who are broken, cannot return love and that is fine with them.You have the

 ability, although painful to walk away.I grew up with beatings , verbal abuse as did my brothers.I tried and alienated my brothers till I was in  my late 40,s trying to make my parents  love me, they abused my husband of 25 years as well as we paid for their bills ,vacations etc.It took my husband  to stand up for me and  end this abuse.Abused children never stop craving and trying to please abusers.But strong adults find a way to escape.My inlaws love me like I am there own.I am in hospital now they have hired private nurses ,closed up their home to care for mine and my husbands home pets and are a God send. Please know many people have parents like this,  don't feel alone.The distance  we put has made life happy.Please find your happy ....Hugs and love, Maryanne 

[hoosieroriginal]

Move, change your phone number, do whatever you have to - make yourself happy again.  It's hard, but peace of mind is so much better.