Wellness

[NycVixen]

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@KLm wrote:

@NycVixen.........Understanding why someone is the way they are, sympathizing with their circumstances is all well and good.  For them.  And it can at times help to know that someone is a narcissist. Mostly so you can avoid them at all costs.

Your job right now is to heal yourself. You're mourning the loss of your baby.  That's more than huge. Take it one day at a time. Throw out anything and everyone who doesn't lift you up. Life is too short for anything else.

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@KLm This is the only option. You're 100% correct. Regardless of why she's the way she is, I have to do what's right for me right now. She's not looking out for me whether she's incapable or just doesn't care. 

[KLm]

@NycVixen. I totally agree. Be kind to yourself.

[CAcableGirl2]

@sfnative  I am so sorry reading this post.  It is almost unbelievable how cruel some people can be even to their own children.  When does the "adult" behavior come out with some people....apparently, never.  Having to subject an innocent child to this kind of abuse is horrible.  My own MIL had a toxic mother who was the "perfect" mother in family settings but treated her daughter horribly in later years.  Some said it could be mental illness, but I doubted it, I think she was jealous of what a great life her daughter had created despite her mother. 

For example, my MIL send her mother on her 90th birthday a birthday card and it gets returned via the mail unopened with a "return to sender" message written by the mother on the front.  Why couldn't she just throw it away...no, she wanted to hurt my MIL by returning it.

When she comes to "visit" a couple of weeks before my MIL passed, while my MIL is on the couch (2 weeks from death) she proceeds to start taking items from her home stating the she gave them to her.  And to top it all off, at the memorial, she states to the grieving boyfriend that they brought a truck with them and they were going to take some furniture back with them from my MIL's house!  Fortunately, my MIL's elderly boyfriend's daughter overheard and put a stop to this.

This is not some mental illness....she was just outright mean and a poor excuse for a mother.   Some people do not change, and frankly do not want to change.  She had to be the "center of attention" her whole life and when she wasn't, she would create drama for others.

My MIL's mother past away about a year ago, and do you know how the adult grandchildren found out?  By searching obituaries in her town!  The others in that dysfunctional miserable family couldn't even notify my husband that she had died.

You can't change others behavior, all you can do it remove yourself from toxic individuals and create the best life you can for yourself.  You can't help how they treat you, but you can have a great life without them, and you can get the support you need from friends, and from other posters on this site who can offer their suggestions and support.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

@NycVixen   You do not need a mother. You want a mother, but you don't need a mother.

  You need air to breathe and nourishment for your body to keep living, but you don't need a mother.

  You are a grown-up lady now, at 30 years old, and you are making yourself miserable.

  Don't do it, don't continue doing it by believing this or you will NEVER be happy.

  By wanting something that you already know you will NEVER get - your mother's love - you are setting yourself up for a very unhappy life.

  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

  You don't need her.

  Don't want what you cannot have - want what you CAN have - a happy life without her.

  As a 30-year-old married lady who's trying to start a family, your responsibility is to your future child - to your husband, yourself, and the family you are trying to create.

  Your responsibility is to protect yourself, and your future child, from her.

  She doesn't care about you.

  Accept it, stop telling yourself that you "need" her (you don't), and move on with your life and BE HAPPY.

ETA:  There is a support group on FB called "Narcissistic Personality Abuse Support for Women." I can't link to it, but if you go to FB and do a search, you should be able to find it.

[NycVixen]

Hi @YorkieonmyPillow. Thanks for your reply. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it. I just don't agree with your perspective entirely. 

I do believe from my own experience and from my studies that we all need a mother and a father and we all need love and acknowledgement from loved ones just like we need air. It's ingrained into our biology; humans are social beings. 

I'm working on trying to need her less, which is why I asked for advice on this thread. I think the first step is to acknowledge that I will always need her and her love since it's normal. The second step is accepting that I'll never get it. That's where I am right now. I've made significant strides and this thread has helped immensely.

I know she doesn't care about me. Knowing it, accepting and dealing with it are not the same. It did kind of hurt to have that pointed out to me in your post, but I think you're trying to be honest and helpful. 

Thanks for taking the time to post. I know it took time and I'm very thankful. I will check out the group you mentioned.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Yes I was trying to be honest and helpful. I have been through the same thing and so I know how hard it is to deal with.

[terriebear]

@NycVixen

This is my second posting.  I should add that after 5 years of therapy, I am definitely back on the road to mending myself.  You mentioned money for a therapist.  I would urge you to please check it out.  Almost everyone offers a sliding scale, meaning you pay what you can afford.  I have paid as little as $10 a week.  A lot of bigger churches have state licensed therapists on staff as well, this is just another source.  A post script to my story.  My mother's abuse of me and others continued, she spiraled, finally attempted suicide and my sisters and and I, along with my dad committed her.  Yes, after hospitalization, and some much needed medication, we found out she had several disorders, bipolar, etc.  I had to change my thinking, realizing she was mentally ill, and would I feel the same way if she had cancer?  Mental illness hurts others so badly.  This is where therapy is a must.  It takes a whole lot of forgiveness, and even more healing to put Humpty Dumpty (you)  back together.  

[NycVixen]

Hi @terriebear. Many thanks for your new post. Wow, I had no idea it could be that inexpensive. I will do research to check out the options you mentioned. Living in NYC there should be programs available. This helps me immensely. 

I have another thread in Wellness regarding the illness and now recent passing of a close friend. The last week has been truly devastating for me in particular. This person treated me better and did more for me than my family ever did. Since I don't have that many people like that it's a huge loss for me. It made me realize that family doesn't have to be related to you to be family.

It made me realize more clearly than ever that my mom regardless of the reason doesn't love me. It gave me the resolve to stay firm with my decision to cut off contact. But it also gave me hope because it made me see that I can create my own family full of people that love me and that I love in return.

To give you an example, my close friend went to my wedding and drove 4-5 hours to get there, gave us a gift and was wondeful to us on our day. My mom went because she felt she had to. SHe had missed the rehearsal the day before saying she forgot and it was my fault for not reminding her. No gift whatsoever. She made a scene because I didn't let her kiss my cheek with her red lipstick. That was right as I was walking out of the church and about to take photographs. No one else tried to do that since it is known protocol not to.

She didn't talk to me the rest of the day or night and left without saying goodbye. Just for that, she didn't speak to me for over a year. She claims I rejected her in front of everyone, which is completely untrue. The thing is, she will always find something to blame me for and I see that now. 

I will try to find a therapist I can afford but it's to heal myself so I can be stronger. I've lost so much of my life trying for her to love and accept me. The rest of my life will be mine. Thanks again.