Wellness

[LilacTree]

Mistri, I have changed computers several times since our last communication some time ago. I cannot find our exchanges. My hope is that you may still have them. If you do, will you contact me? Obviously, only if you wish to do so.

My heart is breaking after reading your new post. I have no realistic suggestions, I would just like to touch base with you, if you are up to that. I hate that you feel so alone.

There are so many people here who love you and worry about you, you are never forgotten.

[fortune]

On 3/21/2015 mistriTsquirrel said:

Hi guys. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long time. I have been struggling with some things that I felt uncomfortable talking about.

As it turns out, I learned a lot about my dad and about my brother after my dad died...and I fear that my mother may be seriously ill, but she will not go to the doctor.

The crisis I am most acutely dealing with today has to do with some things my brother told me not long after Dad died...while he was drunk. At first, he was vague. Then he told me about things dad had done to him that were abusive that I didn't know about (I thought I was the kid Dad took his anger out on...but we both were). He told me that he'd had some dissociative episodes, and that he'd been suicidal. He also told me some things that may or may not have happened; they sounded plausible but kind of far-fetched. I was already worried by the things he'd said when he dropped the bombshell...that he is transgender. I nearly fell off my chair, but tried to maintain my composure. He asked me if I knew what that meant. I told him I knew quite a bit about it, academically, and from having had a few transgender friends. I asked him some questions, and I wound up telling him that he can try to continue to outrun and/or suppress his feelings, but they will keep coming back. I told him to have the names of some good counselors on hand, and to expect that his feelings will come to a head when his kids move out, if not sooner. I was very clear with him that he should not kid himself into believing that his feelings will go away. (He's been dealing with this privately since he was a toddler. I had no idea.)

So, I'm not only worried about his general mental health (depression, possible delusions...but maybe not), I'm worried about what will become of him.

He told my mother last night that he is going to start female hormones and get electrolysis to begin transitioning. I am afraid.

I am afraid that he will lose his job, lose his family, be discriminated against, be the victim of a hate crime, have medical complications related to transitioning, etc. I feel terrible for my sister-in-law, because he married her without letting her know he had these feelings...feelings he couldn't come to terms with himself, let alone talk to her about. I fear for what my niece and nephew will have to go through. I fear that my mother and I may not see much of my niece and nephew if my brother and sister-in-law get divorced.

In addition to all of this, I feel a new sense of grief washing over me...I will be losing my brother. The person I knew--or thought I knew--will be gone. (And after some things of my dad's I've found, I question whether or not I ever knew him either. In fact, I have serious doubts that one person can ever truly know another.)

I don't even know where to start with what's happening to my mother. She has a cough that will not go away, even after 2 rounds of antibiotics. My father had a cough that wouldn't go away for the last year or so of his life. I'm afraid that the cancer they found in her thyroid when they removed it may not have been completely cured as the surgeon proclaimed. She admitted that swallowing food sometimes brings on coughing fits, which just scared the s*** out of me more. I keep bugging her to get a barium swallow test done, and an endoscopy, but she keeps resisting and putting it off. I'm pretty sure she's scared too.

After my dad died, my brother found hundreds of pages of printed material in the basement--as well as a "Paladin-Press"-type book--that suggested he was fixated on his--very deep-seated--anger. The printouts were made at various points over a span of a few decades, and my mother told me that she once found questionable reading material in his briefcase. I never told anyone, but I also found some things on the search history of his IPod touch that made me wonder who in the h*** he was. He'd apparently also been in contact with his college girlfriend...the one who was his first choice, but she got away. (My mom was his second choice.)

I am at a point where I tremble when I think about all of this. I'm anxious for all of the above reasons, but I am also very depressed. I sometimes want to talk to my mom about things, but she has decided that I am not allowed to talk to her about certain subjects, so our relationship is strained. She also seems to be getting rid of Dad's things as quickly as she can. She stopped wearing her wedding ring in December. She keeps his urn packed away in a cardboard box. I asked her if she'd like for me to make her a shadowbox of some of their old memorabilia, and she said no...that she didn't want to have to look at it each day. I told her she could tuck it away in a room she doesn't really use, and she still wanted nothing to do with the idea. She is actively trying to forget him. I can kind of understand why, but it's very hard for me to witness. Also, my brother has told me to stop trying to figure out who Dad really was and to let the matter go...but it's not in my nature. I think my brother is afraid that he will learn something that will make him not love Dad anymore, but I'm not afraid of that; I just want to know who Dad was. I know I will love him regardless of what I find out, so I am not deterred by that fear. I am sort of afraid that I will find out devastating things, but I feel a need to know who this man is who I knew for over 3 decades, and yet, didn't know.

So anyway...that is a large portion of what I've been trying to handle. I've been reluctant to post all of this here because I knew some jack*** would probably come along and say I'm lying. I guess I can kind of understand why someone would think that...all of the stuff about my dad and brother is stuff I never would've dreamed I'd be typing about a year ago.

I feel so utterly out of control of the situations with my mom and brother that I haven't been eating well. I'm scared, I'm depressed and I cannot get a decent night's sleep to save my life. I have nightmares every night...many of them involve my father. I take medications to sleep and I see a counselor.

I feel like I am caught in some sort of crazy nightmare. I feel very alone.

Sorry if this post was a big downer.

The good news is, I got a new car...so that's something.

Hi, Mistri! So glad you're back. We've missed you and have worried about you. It seems as if you feel that you can't control all the things that are happening around you. The truth is that you really can't control your father's choices, your brother's situation, your mom's refusal to go to the doctor.

One thing that is absolutely not true is that you will be losing your brother! He still is who he is. You can be part of his support group, and you will be very good at that. I hope he takes his transition very slowly and is connected with others who are also taking that journey!

The only thing you do have control of is the way you perceive the things in your life. If you feel fear about others' actions or situations, it will disable you, and you won't be able to take care of yourself. Do you think you need to be reevaluated as to your diagnosis? If you are on the right medication for your brain chemistry, it should help you screen out your fears and anxieties so that you can be free to love and nurture yourself first.

We care about you and wish we could just make you feel better. Why not print out this post and take it with you to your therapist for talking points. I hope you're seeing a psychiatrist or can get a referral to one.

HUGS!!!!

[fortune]

Mistri, here's what friends are for!!!

[WaJa61]

(((((Mistri))))), I won't scold you for staying away so long, now that I see what all you've been up against. Here, I imagined you'd maybe started college courses -- possibly moved, too -- as you had considered when last we spoke. I sure have missed you, my friend, and I couldn't be more sorry for all the pain, fear and confusion you're suffering.

You have a lot of very wise and caring advice here from all these friends. I know you will put all that you can to good use, in addition to your own inner wealth of resources. Just have to give yourself some time to come to terms with everything. Acceptance and make peace with those things you can't possibly change. We just can't protect everyone, no matter how much we want to. As hard as learning about your brother's abuse is, it's good that he felt close enough to confide in you. I hope you can both be a great source of support to one another... and help convince your mom to take better care of herself. Don't blame yourself, though, if she refuses to cooperate. Our best IS the best we can do.

I'll be thinking of you and will check back here soon. Hope you are able to get some quality sleep tonight. Love you!

[JustJules]

I wish she would come back... just to vent, scream, yell, cry, or talk about things totally unrelated. Depression and sadness are not meant to be endured alone...it truly requires a village of friendship and support. Thinking of you Mistri...

ETA: The 1 year anniversary of my dad's death is soon approaching. Since he passed on Good Friday last year (but the calendar is so varied), this past Easter weekend was extremely difficult for me. I had to work lots. I suppose in a way that was good to redirect my focus, but I was still very aware...and sad. You aren't alone.

[OC FRESH]

MistriTSquirrel ...so glad to see you posting again.

Your posts are not downers, just very real and brave to be able to share like you do.

You are dealing with some serious family situations but everyone here is correct...you can't do anything about them except be there through it all.

For you to worry is completely understandable and normal but just don't let it consume you. It's hard but there are ways to cope better.

[Annabellethecat66]

I saw and posted on this when there were just a few posts. It's nice to see how it has grown. I've had several family members commit suicide (total shock).

Depression is something that people would rather not deal with. They boo hoo and then go on with their lives.

Yesterday I heard about a young person (mid-20's) who'd had some depression but seemed to be so much better. He'd gone back to work, then suddenly, instead of going to workk, he got a gun and killed himself. He left behind so many people who loved him dearly. He was due to get married soon.

Our laws are so out-dated. They think they're protecting the rights of the individual, when it's just the opposite.

Back when I was growing up, my Aunt I lived with would wake up one morning (we never knew when) and suddenly she was in a very dark place. The next thing I knew (the way I remember it) people came and took her away. She'd be gone for a time and then come back. I found out years later she was taken to the hospital for electric shock. It helped for awhile.

Now with the way the laws are, it makes it difficult for someone to commit another person (family member). My Aunt would have died long before she did were it not for my Grandmother sending her to the hospital. Instead she lived well into her 90's.

I think when you have someone you care about and see them in such dispair and can't help them because of the law, it must feel like you're in a paper bag and can't get out. You see this person needing help but can't do anything about it. I know. I have a good friend who's family member has been in the hospital for 2 or 3 days then out again, just like throwing a ball against a wall.

One think I read a long time ago when I watched a show on suicide they said when a person is deeply depressed that's not when they commit suicide. It's when they start to get medicine and help. They feel better, have the energy to die. That's the most dangerous time for a depressed person. Instead we give them some pills and off they go on their merry way, and so we turn our heads and walk away.

No one wants to listen to each other anymore. Everyone's too busy. Sometimes if we just take the time to listen to each other, that's all a person needs.

I believe we all have a story to tell. We need to put down the cell phones. Stop walking by each other. Open up our hearts, smile at each other, say hello. That's what I do.

You would not believe the things people tell me in the grocery store, at the Drs office, at the Dentists office. No one's talking then suddenly everyone joins in. We need more of that and I think that would help people too.

Now I'll go shut up.

[Teacups]

Yes I would believe the things as people tell me the same, thrn everyone joinns in...we all need to stay connected!

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/21/2015 lolakimono said:

Hi Mistri! Glad to hear that you're back, although it sounds like you've been busy dealing with some heavy issues. Have you been able to talk to your sister-in-law?

I want to talk to her, but she's out of town with the kids right now. I'm also kind of afraid I'll be a downer, and she has enough to deal with.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/21/2015 JustJules said:

Mistri, welcome back, I've missed you and been very concerned. I saw your post in the pizza thread and then found you here. It's nice to know that you're alright, at least as much as you can be under the circumstances. You certainly have been through so much in the past year, and all your feelings are completely understandable. While I do know some transgender people, in fact I work with a man who is becoming a woman, I don't understand enough about it clinically to be helpful. I do agree with you that what your brother is experiencing is not a phase and not something that can be suppressed. And you are correct that this disclosure will have deep repercussions in many ways, but hopefully some positive will come of it, not only for your brother but for all of your family. It's no wonder you are feeling so stressed and that your health is suffering, but try and take good care of yourself. I know you are doing all you can. Please don't feel alone, you have many people here that care so much for you and will always be here to listen and try to help. I will continue to think good thoughts for you, and again, I'm very glad to see you back around. Until next time, hope you have a good day.

Best always,

Jules

P.S. Congrats on the new car! That is something good.

Thanks, Jules! I hope things are going well for you.

I am pretty jazzed about the car...I'm trying to decide which squirrel-themed license plate frame I want to purchase.

Oh...and I also bought this cool squirrel candle here on QVC for myself for my b-day:

http://www.qvc.com/ED-On-Air-5.5oz-Filled-Animal-Figural-Candle-by-Ellen-DeGeneres.product.H204015....