Re: Changing your life /after 50

terrier3 · ‎03-10-2010

On 9/30/2014 Gooday said:
Read OP's posts a little more carefully. He is SUUKKING the life out of her. He has not LISTENED to her. He has ADMITTED he should have LISTENED to her. She has cleaned up his financial and family problems.

RUN girl, RUN. Just be smart.

No one can take the life out of you...he ADMITTED he should have listened to her...he is the sole breadwinner. She is unable to work due to health issues.

She needs to stop concentrating on trying to remake her DH and start concentrating on herself, IMO. An objective counselor can help.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

On 9/30/2014 terrier3 said:
On 9/30/2014 Gooday said:
Read OP's posts a little more carefully. He is SUUKKING the life out of her. He has not LISTENED to her. He has ADMITTED he should have LISTENED to her. She has cleaned up his financial and family problems.

RUN girl, RUN. Just be smart.

No one can take the life out of you...he ADMITTED he should have listened to her...he is the sole breadwinner. She is unable to work due to health issues.

She needs to stop concentrating on trying to remake her DH and start concentrating on herself, IMO. An objective counselor can help.

I agree Terrier - counselling seems to be very much in order here.

ANewHue · ‎11-21-2011

On 9/30/2014 happy housewife said:
On 9/30/2014 terrier3 said:
On 9/30/2014 Gooday said:
Read OP's posts a little more carefully. He is SUUKKING the life out of her. He has not LISTENED to her. He has ADMITTED he should have LISTENED to her. She has cleaned up his financial and family problems.

RUN girl, RUN. Just be smart.

No one can take the life out of you...he ADMITTED he should have listened to her...he is the sole breadwinner. She is unable to work due to health issues.

She needs to stop concentrating on trying to remake her DH and start concentrating on herself, IMO. An objective counselor can help.

I agree Terrier - counselling seems to be very much in order here.

I'm the one that holds it all together and Yes the life can be suxked out of you. I only have 24 hours in my day just like everyone else. Only problem is my job runs 24/7.

terrier3 · ‎03-10-2010

On 9/30/2014 beaches21 said:I'm the one that holds it all together and Yes the life can be suxked out of you. I only have 24 hours in my day just like everyone else. Only problem is my job runs 24/7.

When people have been together for a long time their "roles" in the relationship tend to become pretty "set in stone."

Ex.: He is the breadwinner, I am the glue that holds the family together, he is a dreamer, I am the taskmaster & the coordinator.

The only job that you have that runs 24/7 is to live your own life. That's it.

Your anger & frustration at the situation you find yourself in can make you even more ill than whatever chronic disease you are suffering from now. You need to see someone for an emotional "tune up."

There's are LOTS of alternatives to cut down on the stress in your life...you just need an objective person to help you see all the solutions to these situations that are upsetting you and blocking your happiness.

Reever · ‎03-14-2010

keep in mind the stigma of divorce is long gone. With over 50 percent of marriages now ending in divorce and more singles than married adults for the first time ever in this country maybe people are coming to the realization that humans are not meant to be monogamous?

terrier3 · ‎03-10-2010

On 9/30/2014 Reever said: keep in mind the stigma of divorce is long gone. With over 50 percent of marriages now ending in divorce and more singles than married adults for the first time ever in this country maybe people are coming to the realization that humans are not meant to be monogamous?

I deal with lots of people who come to have pretty harmonious divorces. And in many cases, a divorce is best for all involved.

But divorce can be very difficult for women 50+ - especially women who can't work due to chronic illness.

Your husband doesn't owe you alimony for life....usually now the MOST a woman 50+ can expect is 18 mos. to 3 years maintenance - then you are on your own until retirement age when you can get a percentage of ex DH's SS.

JamicaJammer · ‎01-14-2013

I wasn't that old when I divorced, but my bff of 45 yrs was.

She hated him from 6 months into the marriage (which lasted over 15 yrs) til she left once she got SSDI (money to leave)....but within 6 months, she'd had blown thru the $$$$$$ back pay from Soc Sec, and soon was knocking on her ex's door....he does all her yard work, car repairs, bill paying, etc., while she's enjoying her freedom again...lives over an hr away from him in a beautiful home that he's subsidizing her bills to keep her in.........guess it's a win/win for them.

tough_kitty · ‎04-22-2014

I'm sorry to hear that. I went through a divorce and couldn't be happier withOUT my ex, but my marriage lasted way shorter than yours so it was different..... I hope you sort this out. However, let me tell you one thing - married or single, or married to someone else, you will always be the one cleaning the house

so at least that part won't change.... maybe as some suggested take a break? Go on vacation by yourself, get a perspective away from everything....recharge your batteries. It sounds like it's just his attitude that's bugging you .....so it can't be that terrible.... maybe if you change your behavior a bit, things will change for the better? Just brainstorming over here. I'm no expert. Good luck!

Jeanhelen57 · ‎03-10-2010

On 9/29/2014 beaches21 said: My DH was a sweet caring man up until now, as he has aged he has become very negative about everything. I am not sure if he has an illness because he refuses to go to a doctor. He constantly complains about everything. This has been going on for quite awhile now, doesn't want to vacation or anything although he talks a good story excuses start. I on the other hand want to travel and enjoy life. We did get away a few months ago but it was upon my insistence, instead of it being relaxing and fun, it was very stressful. He doesn't want to enjoy the good things in life he would rather complain. Yet, he spends money on foolish things. He always changes the subject to me when I say something. I don't go out much and when I do it's for a few hours. I've been home for a few years now and had to adjust to that but I feel like. I'm being taken advantage of now. The harder I work the more work I have. Somedays I work like a dog and then pay the price for it as my body breaks down. If I clean one area they are messing up another area of the house. We are all grown ups here and no one but me cleans up after themselves. It's ridiculous.

Seriously--it sounds to me like the very very least you should do is go to counseling together..If he won't--go by yourself! I love the post from the one who said she was unhappy too and thought the grass would be greener when she left. I know it's a drag to be with someone who is a drag...but not trying to work it out would be a shame. I often think, when I hear of women (or men) 50+ and breaking up good, long marriages, I find myself saying "What are they possibly thinking they are going to get???" Single women are a dime a dozen and what's out there may not be all that wonderful either! It's one thing if you are cool with being alone for the rest of your life, but if you think there's someone better out there, that will treat you better, make life more fun, have lots of money to travel...I think you could be in for a BIG disappointment!

Danky · ‎08-04-2013

No matter how thin the pancake there are always two sides.......if you place any value on the time and experiences you have shared with him, you might want to flip the pancake and try to examine his side....he has a story to tell, also.