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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,339
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Best of luck to you. I'm sure you feel better having a plan.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 800
Registered: ‎01-11-2012

Re: Changing your life /after 50

On 9/29/2014 beaches21 said:
On 9/29/2014 skuggles said:

In situations like yours (the financial dependency) it may be a good idea to consider what is known as an emotional divorce. You stay in the relationship, but you build a life of your own, within the confines of your marriage. Many, many couples do as they get older. Past the 25-30 year mark. You stop expecting needs to be met by your spouse, and you find ways to meet them on your own. You live in the same house, and you cook because YOU need to eat. he can join you, after all he is paying. You clean the areas YOU feel you can't live in with out cleaning. You do it for you. You make new friends and go out with them, by yourself. Many couples sleep in separate beds. You get my drift. I have to say that many also have affairs. I am neither condoning nor condemning it, but it does work for some. It doesn't have to lead to actual divorce, but it can.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/emotionaldivorc.htm

This is how I'm going. You know that saying "you can't change others but you can change yourself". Well that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm waiting for spring because winter is bad for me and I'm taking classes in several things I'm interested in. This may actually snowball into making money in the future and who knows where this will lead. Sorry my things will come first from now on. I will do what makes me happy and what changes I want to make. He did it again tonight, came down with another mysterious illness and I refuse to make an appointment. I told him google the number. You google everything else. It's ridiculous, he acts like an invalid. So girls, thank you all I'm on my way to bigger and better life experiences.

This seems like a very good approach. Make yourself happy and do nice things for yourself. Best of luck and happiness to you.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,570
Registered: ‎09-13-2012

Re: Changing your life /after 50

beaches: I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds as if your husband is depressed and anxious. He seems afraid of the doctor and so needs your help to set up appointments. That could explain at least some of his behavior. It seems that you each have needs that the other isn't meeting. If the two of you could come to a better understanding of what each of you needs, perhaps you could have a more satisfying marriage. Just a thought. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

Super Contributor
Posts: 592
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Peace of mind and not having a knot in your stomach are priceless. Try to get your financial "ducks lined up in a row" if you can. I can tell you this. Stress kills. If my Mother had left my Father when I was about 12, she would likely still be alive. She didn't and she passed away far too young from Strokes brought on by stress induced High blood pressure. Say your prayers, squirrel away money and start planning. I wish you nothing but the best.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

On 9/30/2014 beautybee said:
On 9/29/2014 beaches21 said:
On 9/29/2014 skuggles said:

I will do what makes me happy and what changes I want to make. He did it again tonight, came down with another mysterious illness and I refuse to make an appointment. I told him google the number.

Wow, talk about being unfeeling. Maybe if you were more compassionate he would be more responsive to you as well. He isn't asking for the world , just for you to show a little bit of caring. You know marriage is a two way street, you only get back as much as you give.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,094
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

On 9/30/2014 happy housewife said:
On 9/30/2014 beautybee said:
On 9/29/2014 beaches21 said:
On 9/29/2014 skuggles said:

I will do what makes me happy and what changes I want to make. He did it again tonight, came down with another mysterious illness and I refuse to make an appointment. I told him google the number.

Wow, talk about being unfeeling. Maybe if you were more compassionate he would be more responsive to you as well. He isn't asking for the world , just for you to show a little bit of caring. You know marriage is a two way street, you only get back as much as you give.

I'm not sure if you said your husbands age ,but it really doesn't matter. It seems to me your husband is suffering from an illness (depression or Alzheimers) and really needs to see a doctor. It is sad that you as his wife for so many years is not willing to get him there.

Anyone that has a big personality change can be seriously ill and needs medical attention. Maybe so little as a pill for him can save your marriage. He might be unhappy too,not knowing why he feels so cranky.

Please get him to a Doctor . While you are there,maybe you need a check up too, it very well could be your own illness that is causing the problems. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed as you age it is harder to do things you did with ease before.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,357
Registered: ‎03-23-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

On 9/30/2014 happy housewife said:
On 9/30/2014 beautybee said:
On 9/29/2014 beaches21 said:
On 9/29/2014 skuggles said:

I will do what makes me happy and what changes I want to make. He did it again tonight, came down with another mysterious illness and I refuse to make an appointment. I told him google the number.

Wow, talk about being unfeeling. Maybe if you were more compassionate he would be more responsive to you as well. He isn't asking for the world , just for you to show a little bit of caring. You know marriage is a two way street, you only get back as much as you give.

Read OP's posts a little more carefully. He is SUUKKING the life out of her. He has not LISTENED to her. He has ADMITTED he should have LISTENED to her. She has cleaned up his financial and family problems.

RUN girl, RUN. Just be smart.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,749
Registered: ‎11-21-2011

Re: Changing your life /after 50

I've taken him to doctors before, he gets there the doctor gives him scripts for tests and he miracously becomes well. The doctor told him I cannot help you if you don't follow through. I put all my energy into making the arrangements, it's draining for me. Not to mention the doctor knows the whole family and knows I do everything by the book. I've never come right and told the doctor why my life is full of stress but I think he knows.
Frequent Contributor
Posts: 84
Registered: ‎03-31-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Beaches,

If he is going through a midlife crisis, it is a serious matter. The worst part of enduring someone's MLC is there is nothing you can do about it to make him or your marriage better. However most people, the vast majority, come out on the other side with a new lease on life and a new appreciation for what they have. MLC's are real, they are not a joke like you see on TV and they can be really ugly. The person having one generally has low self esteem and/or depression already...hovering below the surface. I had to learn all about this. Wish I hadn't had to.

I endured three miserable and painful years. All my trying, enabling, loving, fixing...none of it changed anything. Time, and my emotional independence was key. I let him go through it...I learned how to detach mentally, I found things to enjoy that benefited me. I had my lines he could not cross...and I let most everything else go. I did not look to him to help, to reinforce my ego, nothing. It was really hard to do.

I had already decided I was going to hang in there as long as I could before I was able to detach. Detaching was the best thing for me and for him. I'm lucky because he did come out of it, and was better for it. But it sure didn't feel that way for a long time and I was pretty skeptical.

I have a lot of friends who have divorced and most are not happy. But most of them left for greener pastures and their own midlife issues. If you are miserable, do talk to someone and if they aren't helpful, find someone else.

Best of luck to you.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,614
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Changing your life /after 50

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