Fashion

[Mistreatedbycs]

My mom was supposed to go for rehab only and she needs help. She no longer can get herself dressed and need bathroom assistance. She is in her 80's and what she could do, she no longer can do. The great thing is her mind is 100% sharp and there's no signs of anything else, the body is weakening but the mind is great. Just heck to get old.

I think all of us are to blame for her house being "full". There is stuff in the closets I never took and the other siblings have the same. It's like we all thought everything is fine and will be fine forever, the house will never be sold and mother will live forever.

I'll listen to all thoughts, not sure about rules, it's not like she'll be having men over every night.....

[catlvr]

So, Nantucket Shores can you provide all the assistance she needs? I ask because I am preparing to make some decisions about my father and it is really hard and sad. Thank you for sharing.

[Desertdi]

My ma always ruled with an iron fist (sometimes literally).......and living under the same roof with her in her old age was probably the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I had outside help from an agency, because she was a 24-hour a day "job"........and I also worked full-time.

[Bestdressed]

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 Shopping_Mama said:

With all due respect to Annabelle, I disagree. Your house, your rules.

We just moved Hubby's mother in a few months ago. She was hoarding, overspending, not taking her medicine correctly, and hiding things in her own home. Neither myself nor DH are going to allow it for one minute. We established a schedule, set the rules (boundaries, we call them), and brought to her life the structure that she always needed as an adult but failed to establish. After a 4-5 month adjustment period, we have all 3 adapted to living in harmony with one another and expectations are clearly communicated and well-known.

My best advice: like a newborn baby, establish a routine/schedule and don't allow chaos. Blend her in to your life, not the other way around.

I have enormous sympathy for this dear woman who gave birth to your husband, cared for him, and put his needs before hers for years and now is treated like a criminal, put on a schedule, regulated, bossed. I would rather be dead than reside in your home under your regulations.

Move into your home a dysfunctional, elderly parent who has added dementia to her list of mental/emotional problems. Empathy, care, and compassion, yes. Build your life around her and let her problems, quirks, and maladjustments rule your household? Not a story I'd want to live........ Regardless of age and situation, when you must deal with dysfunctional family members, healthy boundaries and clear communication are two of the most important things.

I don't have a clue what "healthy boundaries" are but I do know about controlling children who insist their parent can't stay in their own home because the parent isn't "safe" and either put them in a nursing home or bring them into their home and make their parent's life a misery. Seldom do the parents thrive or live long once their lives have been taken over and controlled by their children.

OR...Do you have experience in living with or caretaker for your elderly parents?

[fortune]

On 4/21/2014 nantucket shore said:

My mom was supposed to go for rehab only and she needs help. She no longer can get herself dressed and need bathroom assistance. She is in her 80's and what she could do, she no longer can do. The great thing is her mind is 100% sharp and there's no signs of anything else, the body is weakening but the mind is great. Just heck to get old.

I think all of us are to blame for her house being "full". There is stuff in the closets I never took and the other siblings have the same. It's like we all thought everything is fine and will be fine forever, the house will never be sold and mother will live forever.

I'll listen to all thoughts, not sure about rules, it's not like she'll be having men over every night.....

Yeah, I'd limit her to just one a night!!!

[violann]

If she is 100% sharp, PLEASE be wary of depression. I recently lossed a very dear loved one who had developed some significant physical li itations but was as sharp as a anyone I know until her last day. She would often speak to me about her fears and sorrows, but because of family structure, I could not get more involved than I did (she was a very close blood relative, but not my parent, and there was a single surviving child who was her POA). In the case of caring for my mother, she had had a stroke followed a few years later by a broken hip, and she was total care for 5 1/2 years before she died. In her specific case, she was a 24/7/365 fall risk and demanded that I be her only caregiver 24/7/365, and ultimately my health got worse than hers, so we placed her in an excellent residential facility and visited every day for over 5 years, also while working full time. By the way, if your elderly loved one is willing and able to go out for hairdressers, lunches or dinners, church, and/or social club events, I personally think that entertaining men, or anyone, every night might be great for her and for you too. Obviously, the bottom line in this situation is- ONE SIZE ALMOST NEVER FITS ALL. I often swore that I'd never, ever resort to residential care for my mom until dementia stole her from me, but I also never realized that geriatric depression is a similar thief, possibly with even more harrowing results. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF as you take good care of her. You deserve it.

[Trix]

On 4/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 Shopping_Mama said:

With all due respect to Annabelle, I disagree. Your house, your rules.

We just moved Hubby's mother in a few months ago. She was hoarding, overspending, not taking her medicine correctly, and hiding things in her own home. Neither myself nor DH are going to allow it for one minute. We established a schedule, set the rules (boundaries, we call them), and brought to her life the structure that she always needed as an adult but failed to establish. After a 4-5 month adjustment period, we have all 3 adapted to living in harmony with one another and expectations are clearly communicated and well-known.

My best advice: like a newborn baby, establish a routine/schedule and don't allow chaos. Blend her in to your life, not the other way around.

I have enormous sympathy for this dear woman who gave birth to your husband, cared for him, and put his needs before hers for years and now is treated like a criminal, put on a schedule, regulated, bossed. I would rather be dead than reside in your home under your regulations.

Move into your home a dysfunctional, elderly parent who has added dementia to her list of mental/emotional problems. Empathy, care, and compassion, yes. Build your life around her and let her problems, quirks, and maladjustments rule your household? Not a story I'd want to live........ Regardless of age and situation, when you must deal with dysfunctional family members, healthy boundaries and clear communication are two of the most important things.

All I'll say is we should be mindful of how we treat elderly parents who aren't what they used to be. Disrespectfully treating them like they've done something wrong by being ill doesn't seem right to me. Of course everyone has to choose the path which works for them in this delicate matter. I'll close by saying beware of the genetic factor because whatever is ails elderly mother and/or father is subject to afflict those they created. I hope if that does happen your children show more respect, compassion and empathy when their turn rolls around to be the caregiver.

[olewoman]

So proud of u,my mother lives with my sister.our parents were the best,they took care of us did without for us.and never ever ask for anything in return.

[springers]

My husband and I moved in my dads house after my mom passed. We were newly married (1 yr), that was the only downside. We helped each other and lived as adult roommates. It was easy transistion for us. Establish boundaries as you would with other roommates. Give lots of hugs and kisses, my dad seemed to aporeciate the love I showed him.

[goodstuff]

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 Shopping_Mama said:

With all due respect to Annabelle, I disagree. Your house, your rules.

We just moved Hubby's mother in a few months ago. She was hoarding, overspending, not taking her medicine correctly, and hiding things in her own home. Neither myself nor DH are going to allow it for one minute. We established a schedule, set the rules (boundaries, we call them), and brought to her life the structure that she always needed as an adult but failed to establish. After a 4-5 month adjustment period, we have all 3 adapted to living in harmony with one another and expectations are clearly communicated and well-known.

My best advice: like a newborn baby, establish a routine/schedule and don't allow chaos. Blend her in to your life, not the other way around.

I have enormous sympathy for this dear woman who gave birth to your husband, cared for him, and put his needs before hers for years and now is treated like a criminal, put on a schedule, regulated, bossed. I would rather be dead than reside in your home under your regulations.

Move into your home a dysfunctional, elderly parent who has added dementia to her list of mental/emotional problems. Empathy, care, and compassion, yes. Build your life around her and let her problems, quirks, and maladjustments rule your household? Not a story I'd want to live........ Regardless of age and situation, when you must deal with dysfunctional family members, healthy boundaries and clear communication are two of the most important things.

I don't have a clue what "healthy boundaries" are but I do know about controlling children who insist their parent can't stay in their own home because the parent isn't "safe" and either put them in a nursing home or bring them into their home and make their parent's life a misery. Seldom do the parents thrive or live long once their lives have been taken over and controlled by their children.

And that, my dear, says all that needs to be said.