Community Chat

[pistolino]

On 5/5/2014 velveteenb said:

hihi --

biancardi - i don't think you misread as much as i cut some corners. i left out the part of this evening's conversation in which i specifically asked her if i could ask questions and she said no. i asked her why she wanted me there and she said "if you keep your mouth shut, maybe you'll learn something". sorry 'bout that!

WenGirl42 - offended? not even close! very, very grateful. i'm guessing you're either a professional or the voice of experience, 'cause you clearly understand the dynamics. thank you.

Opurra - i appreciate your support.

bunny. tdcr.

I posted before I read this. Well, that answers that. If your only "purpose" in being there is to keep your mouth shut and maybe learn something, you can do that at home.

Toxic people are not good. It's okay to feel like you need to keep them at arm's length, parents or not, sick or not.

[MrsSweetieBear]

Aloha vevelteenb - You are one of my favorite people here as you are always so kind and I admire your intelligence. I wish I had the right answer for you. I know for me, given the little I know about your family history, the answer would be to walk away period.

I don't know all the ins and outs of the particular family dysfunction, but I've read enough bits and pieces to surmise that it involved child abuse of some sort from your father, with your mother being complicit or turning a blind eye.

Of course I could be mistaken about that, so forgive me if I am out of line. Not ever being in that situation myself, it's easy for me to say, just turn your back now. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be having anything to do with my parents as an adult if it were me.

You have to do what is best for your own peace of mind. Being a good daughter to the end might be the easiest way to handle it at this point. But if you do go to that appointment, I'd completely ignore your father.

[game-on]

I am wrapping my arms around you precious bunny.... there is nothing that says we have to go where we feel tortured.... and that is what is happening.... I know you have come a long way.... now is the time to trust your instincts.... I think the two letter word that will come in handy now is NO.... you can say it when you cant let yourself be put in a situation that you know will only be hurtful to you.... at the end of our parents' lives it is difficult enough.... we have to take it in small doses if we are to face all of the bad things that you have related here... for what its worth.... I had to say NO several times and not do what I was asked or ordered to do .... it gets easier as one does it.... and it sure saved my sanity.... (((hugs)))

[JustJules]

Dear Bunny (((((hugs))))) and only the softest velvet kind. You are going through a lot. Of course you have to make decisions based on what is best for you, but I can speak from experience, once our parents are gone, they are gone..... good, bad or indifferent. If you have anything you need to say, even if it only brings you healing, you should do so while you have the chance. If your mother asked you to be there at her pain mngmnt appointment, she must have a good reason. If it were me, I would go, but certainly not engage in any combative discussions with your father. If things start to go off the rails, you can always kiss you mom and say you tried, and calmly leave. Relationships are so difficult, especially sometimes the ones with our parents. They are humans too, and depending on their age, their parents or grandparents came from depression time and difficult circumstances. My dad's father was very closed off and cold, in fact, I am not sure how my dad became such a kind and loving man....his sister (my aunt) who was 3 years older than my dad, told me that her dad never once hugged her as a child, not until she was a grown woman with her own children. She was the oldest child, my dad was middle child, then they had a younger brother. Their real mother died when my dad was 13, so my aunt would have been 16, and what a terrible time in a girl's life to lose her mother.... yet her father never hugged her? I don't get it, and glad I never had to understand it.... but again, each individual relationship is complicated.

Search your soul tonight, it sounds like you would like to be there for your mother, but are fearful of what kind of antics your father will provide. Tomorrow is never promised, so if you have an opportunity to be with your mother, perhaps it would be best to take it.

And I agree with you.... don't even want to get me started on health insurance companies! You have lots of people here who understand and care, please try to take some support from that and hang in there sweet bunny!!!! You have been so supportive of me in my times of struggle and loss. I will say a special prayer for you tonight.

~ Jules

[Still Raining]

i finally just said "i've had enough of this topic". i'm not sure which of us was more surprised! he tried to put me back there, but once i'd seen the light of day, that was it. i was done.

Wow, that was so brave and insightful of you. Big high five.

[occasionalrain]

Since you've had years of your father's game, by now you should be as expert at it as your father is so instead of cowering in a corner strike first and do to him as he's done to you.

[lilypadfrog]

I believe in self preservation. You need to take care of yourself, love yourself, value yourself and know you cannot change anyone but yourself. It sounds as though you have tried very hard to be what others want you to be. I would walk away now. Have no regrets. You have done all you can without losing yourself too. You need to be strong, now, so that you can take care of yourself. Trust your instincts.

[mistriTsquirrel]

velveteenb--

I completely understand where you are coming from.

My parents were masters at the art of "mindf**king." My dad passed away last monday, and my brother has stepped up to be the patriarch. It's apparent to me that he is ready to bulldoze anyone who stands in his way. He has become the bully my mom was.

I was an advocate for my dad, to the best of my ability. My conscience is clear. My brother has tried to convince me that I am guilty of being a horrible person who hurt him worse than anyone ever has (yes, he said that in text messages)...because I asked him to stop laughing hysterically outside of my father's hospice room as my father lay there crying. My brother told me that I "scolded" him (I didn't; I told him about a situation in which I felt alone and sad and related it to our father's situation. I told him I wondered if our dad felt alone in that bed. He tried to make me feel like a piece of garbage for sticking up for our dad...but I don't. He can take his histrionic, manipulative tactics and try them on someone else, because they won't work on me...I didn't do anything wrong, and I refuse to allow someone to make me feel as though I did.)

I hope you will eventually walk away from this situation knowing that you did your best.

I did my best, and I regret nothing.

--mistri

[just bee]

We are responsible for the friends we choose, but we're born into families that we don't choose. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You can wait for your relatives to all die off or you can wait until your mother passes and turn your back on your family.

There's no law that says you need to feel obligated just because you're related. Sounds like you've already served your time.

[Madame Lorrraine]

VB, I feel so sorry for you!