Community Chat

[velveteenb]

hihi --

thank you.

bikerbabe - thank you. yes, i'm in therapy. i know some days it's harder to tell than others. trust me ... this is sooo much progress! my mother doesn't want another advocate; never has. she is not without blame. i especially love your quote.

biancardi - i know you mean well. thank you for your perspective.

KittyLouWhoToo - thank you for all the hugs and for getting it. thank you.

bunny. tdcr.

[biancardi]

oh gosh - did I misread your post, bunny? I thought your mom wanted you there because you did ask questions and she wanted that, because your dad wouldn't do that.

if that is not the case, then take care of yourself.

[velveteenb]

hihi --

biancardi - i don't think you misread as much as i cut some corners. i left out the part of this evening's conversation in which i specifically asked her if i could ask questions and she said no. i asked her why she wanted me there and she said "if you keep your mouth shut, maybe you'll learn something". sorry 'bout that!

WenGirl42 - offended? not even close! very, very grateful. i'm guessing you're either a professional or the voice of experience, 'cause you clearly understand the dynamics. thank you.

Opurra - i appreciate your support.

bunny. tdcr.

[Fickle Flesh]

On 5/5/2014 WenGirl42 said: I'm sorry Sorry you're going through this, and sorry your mom is battling lung cancer. Please understand I am coming from a place of trying to help you, and if what I have to say offends you, I'm truly sorry. Your mom's diagnosis doesn't change who she is or how she has treated you. You owe her nothing. She let your dad do what he did, she is part of it, she was complicit and is equally culpable. That you still have anything to do with them is a gift. Do only what you can do while maintaining your own well-being, and never for a moment feel guilty for what you are or are not doing.

Very well stated.

[ROMARY]

Seems to me that the info you previously gave them turned out to be 'spot on'. Sounds like they (or one of them) don't want your info/input. Very difficult situation. Knowing myself, I would go to doc's appointment, but I would also speak up to the doc and give him a bit of background info, etc. Docs do listen, and have thoughts re: family situations/medical care, etc., even though they most likely won't give their honest opinions out loud in front of their own patients. But, the more the doc knows, the better off for her/his patients. BTW, I'm not suggesting that you should do this. Only what I would probably end up doing, right or wrong (for me).

[ROMARY]

In general, as far as people who do and say things such as you described, he must have had some type of mental problem(s). A mentally healthy 'normal' parent doesn't behave in that way. Sometimes people say and do things that they have no control over. Their behavior controls them. They may think they are in total control, but in actuality, they are totally out of control. Unfortunately. JMO

[------]

Sit down alone with your father and tell him not to undermine your efforts in front of others. Tell him you are on his side but your mother's comfort must come first. Physical pain crushes and destroys everything in its path. Your mother should never have to suffer when help is available. Your father is probably very afraid and it comes out as anger towards the world. You are a convenient target. Your mother needs you. Take a deep breath and embrace what is good about your parents. Rise above it. In the end your efforts will bring you comfort and peace in ways you cannot begin to imagine right now.

Sending strength and prayers your way.

[NoelSeven]

bunny, honey

First a little advice... consider skipping over your father. Talk to your mother directly, or her doctor, or anyone else of goodwill who is involved in the situation.

If your Dad starts in on you, tell him you will talk with him when he's calm, and then walk away or say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Eric Berne, an internationally known psychiatrist and author used to say, "The only way to win the game is to refuse to play."

I understand how difficult it is for you to deal with anyone in your family. Maybe you will have to take another path and decide you're just not going to play their game anymore. In spite of all the dreck you've taken, you are your own wonderful and loving bunny

[kdgn]

Bunny, there will be repercussions no matter what you do. At this point I think you need to do what is best for your own mental well-being. I still can't understand your mom's mindset in saying you might learn something. That was "out there". But you're right: you can't change them. You can only change how you react to them....and your hindered in that respect.

Wishing you the best in whatever decision you make-

[pistolino]

On 5/5/2014 WenGirl42 said: I'm sorry Sorry you're going through this, and sorry your mom is battling lung cancer. Please understand I am coming from a place of trying to help you, and if what I have to say offends you, I'm truly sorry. Your mom's diagnosis doesn't change who she is or how she has treated you. You owe her nothing. She let your dad do what he did, she is part of it, she was complicit and is equally culpable. That you still have anything to do with them is a gift. Do only what you can do while maintaining your own well-being, and never for a moment feel guilty for what you are or are not doing.

I heartily agree.

OP, I think you realize he's off his rocker...and he can never redeem himself because it sounds like a personality disorder to me. Those can't be cured.

I think you should pick and choose what you want to be involved in (or not) and they (your parents) are both a team.

If you must step away to preserve your own mental health, then do so and don't feel guilty (easy to say, huh?).

Ultimately, you can't stop her disease. Ultimately, your mother can determine her own care and if she won't, then your father legally has 100% control over that. If he wants to be in control, let him be in control.

You are already doing it, but try to limit the contact to what you can handle. If your father starts ranting, do exactly what you did and tell him you won't discuss it any further. Then hang up.

I'm sorry you're going through this.