Community Chat

[velveteenb]

hihi --

i must apologize in advance. i need to blow off some steam anonymously. feel free to read or not, comment or not. understanding is always appreciated but certainly not assumed or taken for granted.

i dont even know where to begin. shall we start with those people to whom i'm related? those of you who know me, know that they have been trying to make me crazy since they knew me. no, not hyperbole. he would read books about mind control and government programming, then take me in the basement with him and try to put what he'd read into practice. he told me that he would always know where i was, what i was doing and thinking; that i could never get away from him.

so. you may or may not be aware that my mother was diagnosed with stage 3-b lung cancer nearly a year ago. inoperable. she's had chemo and radiation. i don't know if the cancer is in remission because she hasn't had a PET scan; i don't know why. i do know that she is in terrible pain and taking oxycodone 'round the clock.

my father declared early on that he was "in charge" and would be making all decisions about my mother's care. he solicited my opinions and in the same breath would tell me he had no intention of taking any of my advice. it was simultaneously required that i offer suggestions/advice and be aware of the futility of doing so. i lobbied hard for a pain management consult, but that was ridiculed and rebuffed for months. *finally* my mother went to a pain management doctor 2 weeks ago. guess what he prescribed? the exact same lidoderm patches that i'd suggested last summer. the ones my mother's oncologist (don't get me started) had said were "inapprpriate" for my mother's pain. okey dokey then. of course no one has said they should've listened to me.

tomorrow is the 2nd pain management appointment. my mother just asked me to come to the appointment. why? when i go to appointments, i ask questions. my parents get angry, my father tells the doctor not to answer, and that's that. given that i have been told verbatim that my advice will not be followed and my questions are not welcomed, why should i go beat my head against the wall? because she's my mother, she's dying, and i know i could help. but ... i can only help if i'm allowed, and that's clearly not gonna happen.

he's been barraging me with e-mails lately. i try to ignore them. Saturday they had accumulated again and he kept asking me to call him. i fell into the trap of course. OMG. i suddenly, viscerally understood why, as a child, i'd spent hours alone in the backyard PUNCHING the tetherball. i sooo wanted to punch almost anything. it was such a crazy-making, triggering conversation, i can't begin to tell you.

he said that i wasn't doing enough, calling enough, visiting enough. then he told me i need to back off. then he said that the two of them are "alone in the wilderness". next, when i asked what he needed, he said for me to leave them alone and stop hammering at them. i expressed concern about him feeling alone in the wilderness and he yelled that it wasn't just HIM, it was BOTH of them. on and on and on. like a funhouse with the crazy mirrors and tilted floors, where the walls and doors keep shifting and there's no way out, and you're trapped in the dark forever. not *too* reminiscent of my childhood.

this went on for over an hour. i finally just said "i've had enough of this topic". i'm not sure which of us was more surprised! he tried to put me back there, but once i'd seen the light of day, that was it. i was done. when i finally hung up the phone, i was just so angry and overwrought and feeling trapped and helpless and crazy that i didn't know what to do with myself. in years gone by, i probably would've gotten out a razor blade and cut myself and/or burned myself with cigarettes. instead, i got a big bag of recyclables together and stomped all the way down 3 flights of stairs to throw them out, and 3 flights back up here.

ugh. i really want to believe that no one is beyond redemption, i do. but i just can't do it anymore. i can't change them. they don't want my help. they just want someone to beat up on. someone to manipulate. they like to poke me with that pointy stick and watch me dance, and i ... i'm tired. i'm tired and i'm angry and i'm sad. and i just don't think i can do it anymore. it's not good for me. i can't go to their appointment tomorrow, not and come out of it sane. i just can't.

bunny. tdcr.

ps wait for me to get going about my health insurance company!

[Fickle Flesh]

I think it is true that people treat you the way you allow them to. Nuff said.

[bikerbabe]

i am so sorry, velveteen. i agree you cannot help someone who does not want help. do you have a counselor or professional that you can talk to to help you work through your feelings? i agree that you need to protect your own mental health first and if contact with your parents is triggering and takes you back to bad experiences and manipulation you need to step back from contact. i assume your mother does not have any one else in the family who could be an advocate for her because she is being controlled.

[biancardi]

((((bunny))))

All I can say to you is this....your mother's time is short in this world. Your father, whatever he is past & present, is also struggling with this.

He does not know how to cope and it is coming out horribly in his conversations with you.

For your mom, you should show up. Ignore your father's tantrums. Keep your convo's with him short. Don't let him control you. You have come so far, and you are strong enough to be the adult here.

good luck with any decision you make and I do feel for you

[QueenDanceALot]

((((((velveteenb)))))))

Do what you need to do to take care of YOU.

[Lila Belle]

Be there for your mom. She needs you.

[biancardi]

On 5/5/2014 Lila Belle said:

Be there for your mom. She needs you.

Yes, if it weren't for the fact that the mom asked for bunny to be there, I would have stated don't go.

but her mother asked for her....and that tells me that she is scared and needs bunny.

[WenGirl42]

I'm sorry Sorry you're going through this, and sorry your mom is battling lung cancer. Please understand I am coming from a place of trying to help you, and if what I have to say offends you, I'm truly sorry. Your mom's diagnosis doesn't change who she is or how she has treated you. You owe her nothing. She let your dad do what he did, she is part of it, she was complicit and is equally culpable. That you still have anything to do with them is a gift. Do only what you can do while maintaining your own well-being, and never for a moment feel guilty for what you are or are not doing.

[Catitude]

So sorry. It's such a complicated situation. I feel for you but have no advice. I would walk away.

[Catitude]

I agree wengirl.