Community Chat

[Dusty1]

"Actions speak louder than words"

I have tried my whole life to make my relatives be the family that I needed.

They did not want to participate in my view of family. :}

So I have my husband, my MIL, my son & daughter. daughter in law & son in law & 5 grandsons. 

We are family because we are related. We are also family because we love each other. We want to spend time together. We laugh & enjoy each other. We cry together when we have to.

I have friends that care about my life & share their life with me. That does not describe my relatives. 

It breaks my heart. It's not what I expected life to be.

But, for all of us. Life is not a Hallmarak commercial. Not everyone has a big happy family gathering together for holiday. 

Sometimes you are by yourself. You can do whatever you want to do! Enjoy.

[KathyM23]

@BeingKindIsEasy

I also have no blood relatives remaining - had very few to start with.  Those that may be remaining, I do not know because of my dad's estrangement from his family.  They were my blood relatives, but I did not know them.  My mother came from a small family, so very few bloods there.  I am the remaining one from her family.  I have my husband's family and they are now my family and many friends who are like sisters/family  to me.  Serves me better than blood family.  I never gave any thought as to what others think of me - why would I?  As far as judging me regarding blood family , I can't imagine that they do - why would they?

[RedTop]

My immediate family is not into reunions, holiday celebrations, etc; we prefer small simple gatherings, or just being alone on holidays.  We are not interested in traditions.

My late MIL always pushed hard for a big family gathering at Christmas; more like a command appearance, which was dreaded by all.   What worked when the grandchildren were very young, was quite inconvenient once they were young adults.   My MIL absolutely refused to change anything about the Christmas gathering, and made life Hell for anyone who dared not show up at her house.   She died 6 years ago, and by mutual agreement, the Christmas gathering stopped.   My husband lives within 6 miles of his siblings, sees them often, and no one is interested in getting together for any holiday.   My girls were in their 30's before ever getting to spend Christmas Day at home.   

[happycat]

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@Dusty1 wrote:

"Actions speak louder than words"

I have tried my whole life to make my relatives be the family that I needed.

They did not want to participate in my view of family. :}

So I have my husband, my MIL, my son & daughter. daughter in law & son in law & 5 grandsons. 

We are family because we are related. We are also family because we love each other. We want to spend time together. We laugh & enjoy each other. We cry together when we have to.

I have friends that care about my life & share their life with me. That does not describe my relatives. 

It breaks my heart. It's not what I expected life to be.

But, for all of us. Life is not a Hallmarak commercial. Not everyone has a big happy family gathering together for holiday. 

Sometimes you are by yourself. You can do whatever you want to do! Enjoy.

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So very, very true.

I also think that people (parents) can put on a good act sometimes, of loving all the children the same. Of not having favorites, and of being fair. But, as they get older and perhaps mental clarity is a bit harder, their true feelings come shining. I pray that I can always be a good mother and never make one child feel like they aren't good enough.

[TeezNu]

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@SilleeMee wrote:

I have only one blood relative, a 21-yo nephew who I am not physically or emotionally close to whatsoever. He is a complete stranger to me. I would consider myself a sole survivor because I have no immediate family. I am truly alone. You know how they ask you to put down "emergency contacts" in a application or document of some sort? Well I leave that part blank because there is no one.

I don't have a problem with being lone. But I do think most of my friends don't, and probably never will, understand what it's like to be in my shoes.  So how can they judge me if they don't know that part of me?

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There are MANY of us in the shadows - "orphans" by choice, estrangement, death or other circumstances.  This certainly brings unique challenges to the journey of aging.  If interested in support, resources and other info, please join us on the closed Facebook page "Elder Orphans".

[dex]

I don't have much blood family but I have friends.I never feel judged but I think a lot of families don't spend much time together like they did in past generations.I think that times change and new traditions come along that fit the changing lifestyles.It can be most lonely for the elderly who look forward to the old traditions.

[hckynut]

@BeingKindIsEasy

That phrase has never made any sense to me as the word "water" does not fit it's intended meaning, not to me anyways.

Sure, I understand blood connection versus connections via friendships or a marriage. I am the youngest of our direct family, which was 3 older sisters. The closest to my age died of Cancer in 1989 at age 52. My sister that still lives just a few miles from me is in her early 80's. My sister that lives in a different state is close to 90.

My immediate family was/is pretty much the only family I have known my whole life. Sure, there were aunts/uncles, and cousins, but they lived in a different sociatal life than did my family. All but 1 of those families pretty much ignored our existence because we lived in Public Housing Projects. I cannot remember even 1 visit, to our home, by any of them.

I have only one memory of even visiting 1 of their houses(yes an actual house) to play with any of our cousins. It was pretty much the same until my mother died, in 1969, and has changed little over those many decades. I was surprised any of her brothers or sisters(except the one) even came to my mother's funeral. Someone might have seen them(oh no, the disgrace)!

My life consists of my 2 living sisters and 1 brother-in-law that I love, and my wife and our furry kids. I have made it through life making friends with many hundreds of people from around the world, mostly because of the large groups I was a part of, mostly from a leadership position.

My concerns going back to my young teen years, has always had little to do with the long term future. I lived/live my life for the present, not tomorrow or the days that might come. My life was/is based on a phrase I heard and have emulated most of my life, many times to my late mother's chagrin.

"Man was born to live, not to prepare for life" 

hckynut(john)

[RedTop]

I had a great childhood; grew up in a home filled with love, raised by parents who wanted to be parents.   They did their very best for us, and taught us to be responsible adults.   I had a very large extended family, and always felt loved, safe and secure.   

In high school, I saw that my maternal grandmother was quite manipulative, and had a very strong influence on my mother and her siblings.   I resented my mother for not setting boundaries.   As I began to know my grandmother as an adult, I realized how much learned behaviors dominated her life, and saw how she in turn passed those traits to her children.   Thankfully my dad established boundaries for our family, and even tho my mother jumped thru hoops for close to 70 years, decades of manipulation ended when my grandmother passed.   

The oldest of my two brothers is a strong mix of my maternal grandfather and uncle, as well as my dad.  My younger brother and I have always been strong willed and stubborn like my dads family.   When my mother's anxiety became an issue to be dealt with earlier this year, I realized her entire family had anxiety issues.   My oldest brother has those same anxiety issues; my younger brother and I do not.   

[feline groovy]

Try not to let anyone affect your self-esteem; judgemental people have superiority issues and can be insecure themselves.

I'm 54 and haven't had any blood relatives since I was 32.  My life so far has been atypical in other ways as well, lol.  Sometimes I've felt (and still feel) awkward, unusual, or isolated, but I've learned it's OK and that there really is no societal norm.  Everyone is a unique individual with different life experiences.  

Besides, having blood relatives does not guarantee healthy relationships.  And a family can be made from anything, including animal companions.

[qualitygal]

If I may, this is a repeat statement on my part.  When my  husband was in the military, we made fellow servers our families while we weren't able to be with our families.  While I know it's lonely on a certain level, I've read and learned that giving at that time of year is quite fulfilling.  I've read of others serving holiday meals to people who come to shelters even, for a meal, for being around others, and because maybe they don't have family of their own.  I think that could be very rewarding and could fit the bill for filling a lonely heart for all concerned.