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Super Contributor
Posts: 3,772
Registered: ‎06-25-2013

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

On 12/27/2014 hyacinth003 said:

I think no more gifts for him. I think getting him food is the way to go now!

It is really hard to feel like you don't know the person you knew all your life. He is now a person who I don't really know anymore. He uses foul language to me and in front of me, which he NEVER did for all my life.

He does not have a filter anymore. He just says whatever pops into his mind, a lot of it not good! He was the most positive influence in my life till the last few years. My sister-in-law whips him up too. As to the coffee maker, I wouldn't be surprised if she brought the discussion to the cost of K cups. We were planning to provide him with them anyway.

He has been my hero all my life, and it has been SO HARD to have this as my last memories. Oh, I still have all the others, but this will be lasting too.

I'm not the first, and won't be the last to have this happen with parents.

My mother's wisdom kicks in a lot these days - "I've been where you're going."

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.sad}

Goodness, I am surprised at such a selfish reaction. Obviously this is about more than a coffee maker. Your father's behavior now is obviously age-related and perhaps a medical issue. The majority of elderly people lose their filter, but it sounds like he has some symptoms of dementia, has he been examined for that? My dad started exhibiting agitation and irritability at times, was very short on patience when he had always been the most patient man. It wasn't constant but he had outbursts. These don't have to be your last memories with your dad, you can still have good ones, you just need to try to adapt to what he is experiencing. Of course you will remember some of the bad moments, but they don't need to be predominant, you can control that. As you said, you aren't the first and you won't be the last, but that doesn't make those moments any more pleasant. Try to focus on the father you knew, he's still in there. Some day you may be in his place and need people to be more understanding of you. Your dad still loves you and he needs you now more than ever, don't let your frustration get in the way of that.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 38,417
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

I would understand. At his age, he has been getting his coffee a certain way, enjoys it, and would not want to change, and I don't blame him for not wanting an extra expense in buying the cups.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,735
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

On 12/27/2014 Clover29 said:

My 80 year old father in law drinks gallons of instant coffee every day. He's not interested in fancy coffee making devices, no matter how much DH tells him how nice the coffee is, or makes it for him. FIL genuinely prefers instant.

My father always liked instant coffee when he visited us; Sanka to be exact. But I was able to use a automatic drip grind coffee machine for his coffee once when he came over for a holiday. People are used to what they feel comfortable around.

☼The best place to seek God is in a garden. You can dig for him there. GBShaw☼
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

On 12/27/2014 Clover29 said:

My 80 year old father in law drinks gallons of instant coffee every day. He's not interested in fancy coffee making devices, no matter how much DH tells him how nice the coffee is, or makes it for him. FIL genuinely prefers instant.

My husband is a coffee aficianado. And he drinks a LOT of it.

When he would visit his father, he would go to the store as soon as he got off the airplane. He would buy coffee, as his father only drank that freeze dried instant stuff.

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.lol}

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,556
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

I think it takes a certain amount of confidence to buy gifts with no input from the person you are buying for. There's always that chance they will be disappointed. I'd much rather give gift cards/money or a specific item that someone requested. We have one relative who is creative and artistic so she finds cute and whimsical gifts but I just don't have that ability to find really original gifts.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

On 12/27/2014 Holly Jolly JingleBells said:
On 12/27/2014 hyacinth003 said:

I think no more gifts for him. I think getting him food is the way to go now!

It is really hard to feel like you don't know the person you knew all your life. He is now a person who I don't really know anymore. He uses foul language to me and in front of me, which he NEVER did for all my life.

He does not have a filter anymore. He just says whatever pops into his mind, a lot of it not good! He was the most positive influence in my life till the last few years. My sister-in-law whips him up too. As to the coffee maker, I wouldn't be surprised if she brought the discussion to the cost of K cups. We were planning to provide him with them anyway.

He has been my hero all my life, and it has been SO HARD to have this as my last memories. Oh, I still have all the others, but this will be lasting too.

I'm not the first, and won't be the last to have this happen with parents.

My mother's wisdom kicks in a lot these days - "I've been where you're going."

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.sad}

Goodness, I am surprised at such a selfish reaction. Obviously this is about more than a coffee maker. Your father's behavior now is obviously age-related and perhaps a medical issue. The majority of elderly people lose their filter, but it sounds like he has some symptoms of dementia, has he been examined for that? My dad started exhibiting agitation and irritability at times, was very short on patience when he had always been the most patient man. It wasn't constant but he had outbursts. These don't have to be your last memories with your dad, you can still have good ones, you just need to try to adapt to what he is experiencing. Of course you will remember some of the bad moments, but they don't need to be predominant, you can control that. As you said, you aren't the first and you won't be the last, but that doesn't make those moments any more pleasant. Try to focus on the father you knew, he's still in there. Some day you may be in his place and need people to be more understanding of you. Your dad still loves you and he needs you now more than ever, don't let your frustration get in the way of that.

For your peace of mind at my "selfish" reaction, I NEVER say anything TO my father about his behavior or how he's changed. I try to be tolerant of and understand all the changes he's exhibited.

Since I have been an RN for a long time, I have vast experience with changes related to the aging process. Lest you are concerned I am uneducated.

I don't think it's wrong for family members to VENT to others. As a matter of fact, I would encourage it and perhaps get support and feedback to keep on.

Every day, I wish I had my mother back to be even BETTER at understanding her struggles with a very long battle with multiple sclerosis.

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.crying}

Super Contributor
Posts: 3,772
Registered: ‎06-25-2013

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

On 12/27/2014 hyacinth003 said:
On 12/27/2014 Holly Jolly JingleBells said:
On 12/27/2014 hyacinth003 said:

I think no more gifts for him. I think getting him food is the way to go now!

It is really hard to feel like you don't know the person you knew all your life. He is now a person who I don't really know anymore. He uses foul language to me and in front of me, which he NEVER did for all my life.

He does not have a filter anymore. He just says whatever pops into his mind, a lot of it not good! He was the most positive influence in my life till the last few years. My sister-in-law whips him up too. As to the coffee maker, I wouldn't be surprised if she brought the discussion to the cost of K cups. We were planning to provide him with them anyway.

He has been my hero all my life, and it has been SO HARD to have this as my last memories. Oh, I still have all the others, but this will be lasting too.

I'm not the first, and won't be the last to have this happen with parents.

My mother's wisdom kicks in a lot these days - "I've been where you're going."

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.sad}

Goodness, I am surprised at such a selfish reaction. Obviously this is about more than a coffee maker. Your father's behavior now is obviously age-related and perhaps a medical issue. The majority of elderly people lose their filter, but it sounds like he has some symptoms of dementia, has he been examined for that? My dad started exhibiting agitation and irritability at times, was very short on patience when he had always been the most patient man. It wasn't constant but he had outbursts. These don't have to be your last memories with your dad, you can still have good ones, you just need to try to adapt to what he is experiencing. Of course you will remember some of the bad moments, but they don't need to be predominant, you can control that. As you said, you aren't the first and you won't be the last, but that doesn't make those moments any more pleasant. Try to focus on the father you knew, he's still in there. Some day you may be in his place and need people to be more understanding of you. Your dad still loves you and he needs you now more than ever, don't let your frustration get in the way of that.

For your peace of mind at my "selfish" reaction, I NEVER say anything TO my father about his behavior or how he's changed. I try to be tolerant of and understand all the changes he's exhibited.

Since I have been an RN for a long time, I have vast experience with changes related to the aging process. Lest you are concerned I am uneducated.

I don't think it's wrong for family members to VENT to others. As a matter of fact, I would encourage it and perhaps get support and feedback to keep on.

Every day, I wish I had my mother back to be even BETTER at understanding her struggles with a very long battle with multiple sclerosis.

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.crying}

Whoa, no need to attack me, my post was no attack on you, in fact I have been in your place. Don't worry about my peace of mind, I'm not the one upset with my father over a stupid coffee maker. Who said anything about you speaking to your father about his behavior? Certainly not me, but I would hope as an RN you would know better. Since you say you have a VAST experience with changes due to the aging process why are you so angry? Your complaints seem to make this all about you, rather than any concern for what your dad wants or would make him happy. Oh, by the way, I'm also not concerned about your education, although your propensity for assumption and misinterpretation is interesting. I never said it's wrong to vent either. I wish I had my mother back every day too, and now my father. Since you still have your father, why not appreciate the good things about him while you can.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,676
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

Just thought I'd throw this into the mix: Sometimes certain meds. cause agitation. Also, UTI's. An ER doc once told me that he's seen 50 yr old patients who's personality, demeanor, etc. changed because of an undetected UTI. Sometimes they become confused, etc. Anyway, cheerfully return the coffee maker. And, yes, sometimes others just love to sabotage people. It's in their genes, personality, etc. They mainly cannot help themselves, so don't take it personally. I've seen it all.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

On 12/27/2014 Holly Jolly JingleBells said:
On 12/27/2014 hyacinth003 said:
On 12/27/2014 Holly Jolly JingleBells said:
On 12/27/2014 hyacinth003 said:

I think no more gifts for him. I think getting him food is the way to go now!

It is really hard to feel like you don't know the person you knew all your life. He is now a person who I don't really know anymore. He uses foul language to me and in front of me, which he NEVER did for all my life.

He does not have a filter anymore. He just says whatever pops into his mind, a lot of it not good! He was the most positive influence in my life till the last few years. My sister-in-law whips him up too. As to the coffee maker, I wouldn't be surprised if she brought the discussion to the cost of K cups. We were planning to provide him with them anyway.

He has been my hero all my life, and it has been SO HARD to have this as my last memories. Oh, I still have all the others, but this will be lasting too.

I'm not the first, and won't be the last to have this happen with parents.

My mother's wisdom kicks in a lot these days - "I've been where you're going."

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.sad}

Goodness, I am surprised at such a selfish reaction. Obviously this is about more than a coffee maker. Your father's behavior now is obviously age-related and perhaps a medical issue. The majority of elderly people lose their filter, but it sounds like he has some symptoms of dementia, has he been examined for that? My dad started exhibiting agitation and irritability at times, was very short on patience when he had always been the most patient man. It wasn't constant but he had outbursts. These don't have to be your last memories with your dad, you can still have good ones, you just need to try to adapt to what he is experiencing. Of course you will remember some of the bad moments, but they don't need to be predominant, you can control that. As you said, you aren't the first and you won't be the last, but that doesn't make those moments any more pleasant. Try to focus on the father you knew, he's still in there. Some day you may be in his place and need people to be more understanding of you. Your dad still loves you and he needs you now more than ever, don't let your frustration get in the way of that.

For your peace of mind at my "selfish" reaction, I NEVER say anything TO my father about his behavior or how he's changed. I try to be tolerant of and understand all the changes he's exhibited.

Since I have been an RN for a long time, I have vast experience with changes related to the aging process. Lest you are concerned I am uneducated.

I don't think it's wrong for family members to VENT to others. As a matter of fact, I would encourage it and perhaps get support and feedback to keep on.

Every day, I wish I had my mother back to be even BETTER at understanding her struggles with a very long battle with multiple sclerosis.

Hyacinth {#emotions_dlg.crying}

Whoa, no need to attack me, my post was no attack on you, in fact I have been in your place. Don't worry about my peace of mind, I'm not the one upset with my father over a stupid coffee maker. Who said anything about you speaking to your father about his behavior? Certainly not me, but I would hope as an RN you would know better. Since you say you have a VAST experience with changes due to the aging process why are you so angry? Your complaints seem to make this all about you, rather than any concern for what your dad wants or would make him happy. Oh, by the way, I'm also not concerned about your education, although your propensity for assumption and misinterpretation is interesting. I never said it's wrong to vent either. I wish I had my mother back every day too, and now my father. Since you still have your father, why not appreciate the good things about him while you can.

I think when you say "goodness, I am surprised at such a selfish reaction" that you were ABSOLUTELY intending it to be an attack. So, goodness, don't be surprised at the reaction you got.

Don't worry about responding. I will not post back.

Hyacinth

Super Contributor
Posts: 3,772
Registered: ‎06-25-2013

Re: When someone doesn't want the gift you gave them

Good, I'm not impressed with your tantrums. Hope I never have a nurse like you.