What kind of friend is this? - Page 4

september · ‎03-09-2010

@Moretofollow wrote:
@september wrote:
@Moretofollow wrote:
@GingerPeach wrote:
I think too many here are skipping a step by telling the OP to get over it.
First, before getting over anything or being altruistic or whatever else, a person ought to be allowed to be unhappy about something, express her feelings, and deal with her feelings.

Only then will she (or anyone) be able to take a higher road, which is likely where she will go eventually. In the meantime, she might like a bit of a shoulder to lean on, keeping in mind the shoulder is just temporary.

I agree. So many rude comments to the OP expecting her to have a robotic reaction. She is entitled to her feelings and they are legitimate.
I did not see anyone saying anything rude. I saw people giving their opinions...honestly and respectfully.
I beg to differ. I saw quite a few cold hearted and ugly responses.

Perhaps you could address those responses, individually, rather than generalize? I'm not sure what you found cold. We all see things differently.

SleeplessinSD · ‎11-01-2010

@janinna, first of all, let me say how happy I am to hear your friend is recovering and doing well. I read your post and all the replies. I can understand your feeling hurt that your friend did not let you know about her trip and you found out through Facebook. I'm taking into account that she is obviously a close friend that you talked to daily. To all of a sudden not hear anything for a few days, I'm sure you were worried and didn't know what to think. I see nothing wrong with telling her that while you're so happy she was able to get away for a while, you were surprised she didn't let you know her plans. Hopefully, she'll explain, you'll feel better, and a close friendship can continue. God bless you for being there for her when she needed you. At times like this, you know who your true friends are. I'm sure she appreciates it too. Good luck.

~H~

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Moretofollow wrote:
@janinna wrote:
A friend of mine recently went through cancer treatment. I was with her every step of the way. I spent a lot of time getting her through this. She has recovered very well. I used to hear from her daily. I didn't talk to her for a few days, then I saw on Facebook that she and her sister and daughter had gone to Florida for two weeks. She left and never said anything to me. I was quite shocked. She called when she got back and she acted like nothing had happened. I didn't bring up the subject because I guess I feel that she showed her true colors to me. My feelings toward her will never be the same. Am I wrong or should I have called her out on it? We have been friends a long time and I just can't believe she would do something like that to me. You think you know someone.
I guess that is her way of saying she no longer needs you. I wonder why her sister or her daughter didn't take her every step of the way through her cancer treatments as you did. I know it takes an emotional toll on the caregiver and I'm sure you would have loved a vacation as well. But, it wasn't meant to be so maybe you should take a vacation with your loved ones and just forget about it. If her cancer comes back you may not be up for the challenge any longer which is understandable and just say you are not in the caregiving business anymore.

I don't see how this is a case of the friend no longer needing the OP. She went on a vacation with family, came back, and called the OP. It doesn't sound as though she's done with her and it doesn't sound as though she's ungrateful. It sounds as though she simply went away, and then called the OP to catch up when she got home. Since when is that a terrible thing to do?

And we don't know that her sister and daughter weren't there every step of the way also. Just because the OP was helpful to her friend doesn't mean that others weren't doing the same.

Friends who help friends in those kinds of circumstances do it out of love and caring, with no expectation of anything in return. The friend is not beholden to the OP for the rest of her life, and she's allowed to make plans without notifying her. I really can't imagine turning my back on a friend - sick or not sick - because of something as silly as this.

AnikaBrodie · ‎03-10-2010

@janinna

I wouldn't read anything into this if I were you. Cancer treatments are grueling and perhaps the trip was spur of the moment to spend some happy time celebrating her recovery. She may not even have paid for the vacation.

Thank you for supporting her through her ongoing treatments. I hope you can talk this out and remain friends. What does "true colors" have to do with a vacation? There is no reason to dissolve a friendship over a trip IMHO.

"Faith, Hope, Love; the greatest of these is Love." ~The Silver Fox~

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

Maybe she just didn't realize she was required to check with you before she went? Was it in the contract she signed?

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@janinna wrote:
A friend of mine recently went through cancer treatment. I was with her every step of the way. I spent a lot of time getting her through this. She has recovered very well. I used to hear from her daily. I didn't talk to her for a few days, then I saw on Facebook that she and her sister and daughter had gone to Florida for two weeks. She left and never said anything to me. I was quite shocked. She called when she got back and she acted like nothing had happened. I didn't bring up the subject because I guess I feel that she showed her true colors to me. My feelings toward her will never be the same. Am I wrong or should I have called her out on it? We have been friends a long time and I just can't believe she would do something like that to me. You think you know someone.

I don't know what you mean by your friend showing her true colors. What exactly did she do that was so awful? Is it that she didn't tell you she was going ? Is it that you weren't invited along?

She doesn't have to ask your permission before going on a nice getaway with family, friends, herself, or anyone else, and she didn't even have to inform you. I don't see what there is to "call her out on" or why your feelings about her would never be the same. Presumably, she has other friends and she likely didn't inform them all. It also might have been last-minute, spontaneous, or a surprise. But even if not, she's not obligated to let you know and she's not obligated to invite you. Especially in the case of someone who recently went through cancer treatment, I think it would be far more kind and appropriate to be happy for her that she got a much-needed break.

It sounds as though you feel that you're owed something because you helped get her thru her cancer treatments. You can't possibly imagine her current mindset, and if this is what she wanted to do, I don't see how it can be classified as something that she did to you. Saying she showed her true colors, your feelings toward her will never be the same, you can't believe she did this to you - That just seems way over the top, not to mention unfair to her. All she did was go on a getaway with her sister and daughter, and she called you when she got back. She's allowed to go away without you and/or your prior knowledge without being judged for it.

@NYC Susan @janinna

Good post, @NYC Susan. I, too, found this baffling. This comment "showed her true colors" and "should have called her out". Called her out on WHAT?

IMO, janinna is too emotionally invested in her friend's life if she expects to be called for permission before doing anything. This is just wrong.

OP, I guess you could tell your friend that you were concerned something happened to her .... but she really doesn't owe you an explanation before doing something with her family.

I think it would be helpful to take a couple steps back, and stop trying to make her the bad guy here. JMO

circles · ‎03-10-2010

I have to agree with OP...this friend should have taken a moment to call and let her know she was going on a trip with her family..if she had the time to post to FB where and what she was doing...she must have had time to pick up the phone....

I didn' t read into OP's message that she was looking to go along or that she felt she was "owed" a call because she took care of her...she just felt sad her friend didn't think enough of her to let her know....I would have felt the same...

I have had many friends come and go in my life ...we always told one another when we would be going on vacation...its the considerate thing to do...

YorkieonmyPillow · ‎01-13-2013

OP: you sound like a very lovely person. Sometimes we have to be careful not to give "too much."

I have this tendency. I want to help, to fix, to make things better. I've recognized this in myself and reign it in when necessary.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

@janinna wrote:
Am I wrong or should I have called her out on it?

You are wrong. I have lots of good friends but I don't expect, or want them, to apprise me of their personal business. She went with her daughter and sister and you think she should notify you?

If I felt that way about my friends? I wouldn't have many.

hckynut(john)

Deb1010yetagain · ‎12-09-2013

@janinna wrote:
A friend of mine recently went through cancer treatment. I was with her every step of the way. I spent a lot of time getting her through this. She has recovered very well. I used to hear from her daily. I didn't talk to her for a few days, then I saw on Facebook that she and her sister and daughter had gone to Florida for two weeks. She left and never said anything to me. I was quite shocked. She called when she got back and she acted like nothing had happened. I didn't bring up the subject because I guess I feel that she showed her true colors to me. My feelings toward her will never be the same. Am I wrong or should I have called her out on it? We have been friends a long time and I just can't believe she would do something like that to me. You think you know someone.

@janinna, I think I see where you're coming from. You went from daily contact and supporting your friend thru a very challenging illness to nothing for a few days -- and then to find out on Facebook it was something planned. I agree it would've been nice of her to give you a heads up that the daily contact would be coming to an end because she was going out of town.

I'd just chalk this up to experience and not let it ruin your friendship. I'm sure she appreciates you and the last thing she wanted to do is hurt your feelings. Let it go and continue to be that good friend to her.