Community Chat

[BRANDONLEE]

On 2/16/2014 ktlynam said:

Wow. After reading the post several times, I find myself having a lot of sympathy for the husband.

He would do anything for anyone, including the POSTER. Yeah, I'd be bored with that, too.

He wants to go away on trips with his wife (perhaps that's his way of trying to reach out and reconnect as a couple), but she insists on dragging along others with them. Yeah, he's a real self-centered bum.

He helped raise two great kids. Yep, a real loser.

If there is a divorce, I hope he is left emotionally and financially secure.

He's taking her for granted.He shows her no affection nothing.I read her post,she wants to take friends with her on their vacation because he is boring and a nag.His way of reaching out is to show her how much he loves her.A vacation will not do anything they will come home and it will start all over again.He raised two good kids because that was his duty.I say she should do what her heart tells her.She came here to blow some steam not get sarcastic remarks.

[Marianne1]

I wonder what he would say? I am not trying to be mean, but I do wonder if he even knows that the OP is unhappy and what she would like out of their relationship.

I also wonder if depression is not at issue- the OP stated they both had been thru serious depression before.

I also wonder if they talk about it, or just hold in resentments

I suggest medical checkups and marriage counseling.

The OP only works part time, she has never worked full time-- can she afford life on her own?

This should not be done without A LOT of thought, because the grass is not always greener-- and maybe the marriage could be what she wants if they address the issues, together.

[adelle38]

Make sure you consult a good matrimonial law attorney before you do anything. They can give you a clear picture of where you are financially and legally. Whatever you do, don't just move out without a separation agreement because that would be considered desertion and you'd give up your property rights. I hope you already have separate bank account and credit card in your name. You've stuck it out for 36 years so if you truly want to leave make sure you do all the necessary preparation as this could be a very difficult financial and emotional situation for you and your entire family.

[Mersha]

OP, you have received many well thought out, heartfelt responses that I hope will help.

Hopefully, you will take the time to really think things through before you act.

I wish you well.

[pistolino]

On 2/16/2014 adelle38 said:

Make sure you consult a good matrimonial law attorney before you do anything. They can give you a clear picture of where you are financially and legally. Whatever you do, don't just move out without a separation agreement because that would be considered desertion and you'd give up your property rights. I hope you already have separate bank account and credit card in your name. You've stuck it out for 36 years so if you truly want to leave make sure you do all the necessary preparation as this could be a very difficult financial and emotional situation for you and your entire family.

Very, very good advice. Planning and knowing your options before jumping.

[BRANDONLEE]

I feel bad for the op.That is a tough situation to be in.Life is so short to be unhappy.I go through spurts like that with my husband .But i think about the saying the grass is always greener.But if i was that unhappy yes i would leave.You can't stay in a unhappy relationship just because of money.

[rondell]

AbbyK, I'm so sorry you're having these feelings and thoughts. Please talk to your husband regarding how you're feeling. He's the first one who should be hearing it.

I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor, with him or without him. I would hesitate to advise anyone to leave a 36 year union, based on what you've shared with us. You are not content at the present time, and that doesn't seem like a very good reason to call it quits. If he was being abusive, I would probably say to get out now.

There are many solvable and workable problems in a marriage, but quitting sure won't help you until you've tried to work it out between the two of you.

You say that you want to leave or get a divorce. I say, you had better make darn sure you can handle it on your own, especially after all these years.

Good luck, AbbyK. I wish you well and I pray you will make the right choice.

[bedazzle me]

On 2/16/2014 bathina said:

You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

Good advice.

Opurra gave good advice too " start envisioning your life without him and then go from there. If you truly want to be alone what's stopping you?"

I could not imagine my life without my DH.

[AnikaBrodie]

OP, Is your husband retired? You said he's 65 and if he recently retired he could be having problems adjusting to life without a job. This may be especially true if he started working in his teens and worked for umpteen years in his adult life. Does he have a hobby or is he interested in something that he can do daily? Does he do any kind of volunteer work? Does he have coffee with the guys on a regular basis? If not, why not? DH does this six days a week and it's a Godsend for me.

From your posts I gather he has some serious medical issues. You said he's on a lot of meds. Is he under a doctor's care? Medical issues can cause changes in a person's personality. Anger (why me?), frustration, discontent, lack of control to name just a few.

You've been married 36 years and I think you need to sort this out in detail before heading to a divorce attorney? Also, you may need to accept he has similar issues with you as you have with him. Is this a possibility? So, sit down and have a face to face discussion, preferably with a neutral counselor. It may be best for you to meet alone with the counselor first. Just have an open mind and be willing to compromise.

My best to you in trying to resolve your issues, and remember we only have your side of the story.

[BaileyandBella]

Even though your children are grown, this will be devastating to them.... And many times a child will "choose" one parent over the other (sympathize with).

Do your kids live nearby? Do you do many things as a family? That WILL all change....