Community Chat

[BaileyandBella]

On 2/16/2014 AnikaBrodie said:

OP, Is your husband retired? You said he's 65 and if he recently retired he could be having problems adjusting to life without a job. This may be especially true if he started working in his teens and worked for umpteen years in his adult life. Does he have a hobby or is he interested in something that he can do daily? Does he do any kind of volunteer work? Does he have coffee with the guys on a regular basis? If not, why not? DH does this six days a week and it's a Godsend for me.

From your posts I gather he has some serious medical issues. You said he's on a lot of meds. Is he under a doctor's care? Medical issues can cause changes in a person's personality. Anger (why me?), frustration, discontent, lack of control to name just a few.

You've been married 36 years and I think you need to sort this out in detail before heading to a divorce attorney? Also, you may need to accept he has similar issues with you as you have with him. Is this a possibility? So, sit down and have a face to face discussion, preferably with a neutral counselor. It may be best for you to meet alone with the counselor first. Just have an open mind and be willing to compromise.

My best to you in trying to resolve your issues, and remember we only have your side of the story.

YEP..... no one wants to take a look at themselves, they just blame others. It's not easy to do, but it's sure important.

[Teacups]

On 2/16/2014 AbbyK said: Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

some people would call you lucky.

[gazelle77]

On 2/16/2014 WestieLove said:

On 2/16/2014 AbbyK said: Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

some people would call you lucky.

I would have to agree.....

[Qwackertoo]

On 2/16/2014 AnikaBrodie said:

OP, Is your husband retired? You said he's 65 and if he recently retired he could be having problems adjusting to life without a job. This may be especially true if he started working in his teens and worked for umpteen years in his adult life. Does he have a hobby or is he interested in something that he can do daily? Does he do any kind of volunteer work? Does he have coffee with the guys on a regular basis? If not, why not? DH does this six days a week and it's a Godsend for me.

From your posts I gather he has some serious medical issues. You said he's on a lot of meds. Is he under a doctor's care? Medical issues can cause changes in a person's personality. Anger (why me?), frustration, discontent, lack of control to name just a few.

You've been married 36 years and I think you need to sort this out in detail before heading to a divorce attorney? Also, you may need to accept he has similar issues with you as you have with him. Is this a possibility? So, sit down and have a face to face discussion, preferably with a neutral counselor. It may be best for you to meet alone with the counselor first. Just have an open mind and be willing to compromise.

My best to you in trying to resolve your issues, and remember we only have your side of the story.

This reply seems spot on. Most of the men I've known that were high-strung or whatever in the younger years . . . all really really mellowed out at that age. Much more laid back, took life a little easier . . . my grandfather, even my own father. Probably my father-in-law too but of course I didn't know him in too very early years.

[Kalli]

On 2/16/2014 Qwackertoo said:

On 2/16/2014 AnikaBrodie said:

OP, Is your husband retired? You said he's 65 and if he recently retired he could be having problems adjusting to life without a job. This may be especially true if he started working in his teens and worked for umpteen years in his adult life. Does he have a hobby or is he interested in something that he can do daily? Does he do any kind of volunteer work? Does he have coffee with the guys on a regular basis? If not, why not? DH does this six days a week and it's a Godsend for me.

From your posts I gather he has some serious medical issues. You said he's on a lot of meds. Is he under a doctor's care? Medical issues can cause changes in a person's personality. Anger (why me?), frustration, discontent, lack of control to name just a few.

You've been married 36 years and I think you need to sort this out in detail before heading to a divorce attorney? Also, you may need to accept he has similar issues with you as you have with him. Is this a possibility? So, sit down and have a face to face discussion, preferably with a neutral counselor. It may be best for you to meet alone with the counselor first. Just have an open mind and be willing to compromise.

My best to you in trying to resolve your issues, and remember we only have your side of the story.

This reply seems spot on. Most of the men I've known that were high-strung or whatever in the younger years . . . all really really mellowed out at that age. Much more laid back, took life a little easier . . . my grandfather, even my own father. Probably my father-in-law too but of course I didn't know him in too very early years.

Interesting...and true with my dad, too. He's now very chill, my mom OTOH is very assertive, not at all like she was in her younger day.

-Kalli

[pood1]

I have a different viewpoint from everyone else.

From the OP, it sounds like she cannot stand to be around her husband.

They live like brother and sister.

The resentment is palpable, even on paper.

My advice is consult an attorney, get counseling if you have any interest in trying to save your marriage. If you have no interest, then file for divorce.

Life is too short to spend it living with someone you can't stand.

[QueenDanceALot]

On 2/16/2014 WestieLove said:

On 2/16/2014 AbbyK said: Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

some people would call you lucky.

That's really sad.

No physical intimacy, no affection. Knowing from an early age that he really isn't for you.

Why would anyone think that was lucky?

[QueenDanceALot]

On 2/16/2014 pood said:

I have a different viewpoint from everyone else.

From the OP, it sounds like she cannot stand to be around her husband.

They live like brother and sister.

The resentment is palpable, even on paper.

My advice is consult an attorney, get counseling if you have any interest in trying to save your marriage. If you have no interest, then file for divorce.

Life is too short to spend it living with someone you can't stand.

Oh, I agree. Sounds like she really can't tolerate him even though other people like him.

I wouldn't stay in a marriage with a man just because other people liked him.

[Qwackertoo]

On 2/16/2014 Kalli said:

On 2/16/2014 Qwackertoo said:

On 2/16/2014 AnikaBrodie said:

OP, Is your husband retired? You said he's 65 and if he recently retired he could be having problems adjusting to life without a job. This may be especially true if he started working in his teens and worked for umpteen years in his adult life. Does he have a hobby or is he interested in something that he can do daily? Does he do any kind of volunteer work? Does he have coffee with the guys on a regular basis? If not, why not? DH does this six days a week and it's a Godsend for me.

From your posts I gather he has some serious medical issues. You said he's on a lot of meds. Is he under a doctor's care? Medical issues can cause changes in a person's personality. Anger (why me?), frustration, discontent, lack of control to name just a few.

You've been married 36 years and I think you need to sort this out in detail before heading to a divorce attorney? Also, you may need to accept he has similar issues with you as you have with him. Is this a possibility? So, sit down and have a face to face discussion, preferably with a neutral counselor. It may be best for you to meet alone with the counselor first. Just have an open mind and be willing to compromise.

My best to you in trying to resolve your issues, and remember we only have your side of the story.

This reply seems spot on. Most of the men I've known that were high-strung or whatever in the younger years . . . all really really mellowed out at that age. Much more laid back, took life a little easier . . . my grandfather, even my own father. Probably my father-in-law too but of course I didn't know him in too very early years.

Interesting...and true with my dad, too. He's now very chill, my mom OTOH is very assertive, not at all like she was in her younger day.

-Kalli

Very interesting. Both my Mother and Grandmother become more assertive, they never were at all before . . . while Father and Grandfather became more chill.

[BaileyandBella]

She said they recently took a 2 week trip and had a pretty good time......if she couldn't stand him, she would have been miserable the whole time, or she wouldn't have even gone.