Community Chat

[september]

I still am somewhat of a recent widow. We need to grow a tough skin, because we receive tons of mail addressed to our deceased husbands, as well as to ourselves, in the form of "mrs John Smith". 

Most of this mail is business, charity, advertising, etc.  

But if someone I knew was personally corresponding with me, I'd prefer "Mary Smith". 

[Sheila P-Burg]

@september  ......  As I said my husband died in 2007 and I am still getting mail addressed to him. Those addressed to me as "Mrs." or just my full name doesn't bother me. Most of my important correspondence was changed over to the way my name is used in all my important papers. If it is official business correspondence they mail it addressed that way. 

[germanshepherdlove]

When my aunt got divorced at a young age it was confusing when addressing envelopes to her because her daughter continued to use the last name of her bio dad and hated her stepdad and we sent her letters and cards as well as to her mother.  He was born and raised in Texas with kids from a previous marriage and to her they were stupid because they took longer to speak with a long drawn out drawl which she pointed out to him over and over again and her behavior was hugely disappointing not only to her mother but to me and my parents who couldn't quite grasp her rudeness and to this day she has not changed one iota even though her stepdad is now deceased.  Her mom uses his last name.  The rift between mother and daughter remains.  

[september]

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@Sheila P-Burg wrote:

@september  ......  As I said my husband died in 2007 and I am still getting mail addressed to him. Those addressed to me as "Mrs." or just my full name doesn't bother me. Most of my important correspondence was changed over to the way my name is used in all my important papers. If it is official business correspondence they mail it addressed that way. 

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@Sheila P-Burg   I expect it to go on, indefinitely!  But I have moved twice, in the 18 months since he passed away, and some days, he gets more mail than me. 🤔

[september]

@Sheila P-Burg   Regarding rings...neither of us wore our rings consistently.  I had our wedding rings and my engagement ring made into a pendant, that I love!  

My mom wears my dad's wedding ring on her middle finger.  

[esmerelda]

I would go with Mrs. Mary Smith.  She knows her husband died.  She doesn't need to be reminded by seeing "Ms."

[VaBelle35]

When I worked in a law firm, our manager used to sign her name on business letters something like

Mrs. Mary P. Smith (John)

or

Mrs. Mary P. (John) Smith

She always put her husband's name in parentheses.

I never saw that before.  She was a graduate of the Katharine Gibbs School for Secretaries in NYC back in the 50s so I assume she knew what she was doing there.

[Sheila P-Burg]

@VaBelle35  .......  I have never seen anyone sign their name that way in correspondence. I don't understand why you would sign your name and add your husband's name in parentheses on business correspondence. Was the husband employed with the company?

[haddon9]

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@Carmie wrote:

I would and do address the envelope as Mrs. Mary Smith if the husband is deceased ...And even if the husband is still living.

Women today don't usually appreciate losing their identity by taking their husband's first name as well as his last name when the correspondence is meant for her only.

I myself, would never identify as Mrs. John Smith, unless my DH agrees to identify as Mr. Mary Smith.  Those days are over.

Mr and Mrs. John Smith is okay if meant for both.

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I totally agree!  I can remember when I was first married back in the early 1980s there was a small local paper that would mention the ladies garden club in town. 

Whenever there was an article about the club with photos etc., the women would be addressed as Mrs. husband's first and last name.  It was for women only and I can remember wondering why they never used the individual woman's first name not her husband's...made it seem as if she didn't have her own identity.

Now when addressing a couple then I can see using Mr. & Mrs John Smith.  I would never address a young widow as Mrs. John Smith.

[GenXmuse]

If you were to address her as Mrs so and so before his death, I would continue to do so at this point