Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH - Page 9

MrsLorraine · ‎07-05-2012

Oy vey...what a mess.

pinkskates4 · ‎03-10-2010

First I want to say that it was very generous of you to agree that your DH's will would leave everything of his to his children - especially with your long marriage.

I also agree with other posters that his son may not have entirely realized what he was getting into in assuming his father's care - and this may be affecting his judgment at this point.

I think it's a good plan for you to talk to your step daughter and see where she is with all this. She may become a useful ally.

Finally, if you cannot resolve this with your stepson, you may need to take control over your DH's care - even if that means he goes to a nursing facility.

I wish you the very best and will keep you in my prayers.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/16/2014 Dagna said:
First I want to say that it was very generous of you to agree that your DH's will would leave everything of his to his children - especially with your long marriage.

I also agree with other posters that his son may not have entirely realized what he was getting into in assuming his father's care - and this may be affecting his judgment at this point.

I think it's a good plan for you to talk to your step daughter and see where she is with all this. She may become a useful ally.

Finally, if you cannot resolve this with your stepson, you may need to take control over your DH's care - even if that means he goes to a nursing facility.

I wish you the very best and will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you Dagna. I do agree that his son probably had no clue how intensely stressful on so many levels taking care of his father would be. I still don't understand however why he wouldn't be begging for my help under those circumstances. Too proud maybe?

When I was caring for my DH at home, one of the reasons I kept at it beyond my capabilities was because I dreaded the idea of putting him in a nursing home. It still had a stigma with me. When I saw how well he adjusted in the rehab facility (which is essentially the nursing home) and saw the wonderful care he was given over 2 months, I had no doubt that this was the best solution for him. It does take a small army to attend to all of his needs, not one or two people in an isolated situation that his son has him in.

I have consulted with an attorney and I do have rights, but it would involve going to court. The last thing I want to do is cause friction and hostility by taking this action. It has now been one week since DH was discharged to his son's care. I am going to call his son today. Hopefully, he will answer the phone.

I have also contacted my stepdaughter. Unfortunately, she was too busy with work to meet me for dinner this week, ${#emotions_dlg.rolleyes}$ but she would like to get together next week. I offered to take her out to dinner and to drive her home, which is about a 45 minute commute for her.

I go to sleep at night and wake up with tears in my eyes. It's difficult not to think about this situation all day. I try so hard to distract myself. I miss my DH.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

Sorry to think you think we have no experience w/this.

My Dad died in a veterans home. He had dementia and received the best of care. It was a horrible time for myself and Mom. At the end Daddy thought I was his Mother and called me Mum.

My Mother was in a retirement home when she passed. She was 98 and died in her sleep. It was a wonderful place and I believe lengthened her life. She had no diseases.

My Mother-in Law is in a religious based retirement home. Even if she runs out of money she still stays. It is a place that has a continuum of care. And has the best dementia unit in the state.

We knew many men who died in veterans homes. They all had good care.

DH worked for 13 years on the medical staff of a retirement home. He has seen some pretty sad cases. But he believes when families fight it is usually about the money. DH's grandmother killed herself because she was not permitted to see her spouse. Once again it was about the money.

I keep on dancin'

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/18/2014 Bungo said:
Sorry to think you think we have no experience w/this.

My Dad died in a veterans home. He had dementia and received the best of care. It was a horrible time for myself and Mom. At the end Daddy thought I was his Mother and called me Mum.

My Mother was in a retirement home when she passed. She was 98 and died in her sleep. It was a wonderful place and I believe lengthened her life. She had no diseases.

My Mother-in Law is in a religious based retirement home. Even if she runs out of money she still stays. It is a place that has a continuum of care. And has the best dementia unit in the state.

We knew many men who died in veterans homes. They all had good care.

DH worked for 13 years on the medical staff of a retirement home. He has seen some pretty sad cases. But he believes when families fight it is usually about the money. DH's grandmother killed herself because she was not permitted to see her spouse. Once again it was about the money.

I don't believe I said that I thought no one had experience with this, Bungo. ${#emotions_dlg.confused1}$

At any rate, I am sorry for all you have been through. You surely know the devastation of caring for someone with dementia.

We are not necessarily "fighting". I simply do not know what's going on. I don't know if my stepson truly can't handle the situation and having visitors or whether he is "playing me" for some unknown reason.

Money is definitely not the issue here as far as my place in DH's life. I have taken measures to ensure that our money is separate and that I will not lay claim to any of his money so that his children understand I do not have ulterior motives. I have made that very, very clear to them. Again, I am wondering why I can't visit.

cater · ‎03-10-2010

Jussa just dropping in to tell you I hope this gets resolved soon for you. This is a shame you have been this man's wife for these years and now you are not allowed to see him is a shame.I cannot understand how some kids can be so mean and spite full. Some one on here said step children can cause trouble they absolutely can my friend had a terrible time when her husband got ill and landed in the hospital they decided his wife could not visit him and kept her away. When he got out and found out why she hadn't been there to see him lets just say all he-- broke loose with him and his kids. Hope you get to see your husband sooner then next week.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

Will are not necessarily about money.

I keep on dancin'

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/19/2014 Bungo said:
Will are not necessarily about money.

You are talking about Health Care Proxy and Living Will?

Without getting into too much detail, because the more I post and the more detail I give, the more identifiable I fear I could be, but now that his children are in charge of his (and ultimately their) money, they need to be making decisions about their father's care as to how his money should best be spent. If I continued to make the financial decisions, they are just the type of children (greedy) to cause me trouble for my decisions. I did not want to be involved in a court battle.

I made it clear that I want to be involved in the decision-making however. I never thought I would be completely shut out. This comes as a huge and inexplicable surprise to me.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/19/2014 cater said:
Jussa just dropping in to tell you I hope this gets resolved soon for you. This is a shame you have been this man's wife for these years and now you are not allowed to see him is a shame.I cannot understand how some kids can be so mean and spite full. Some one on here said step children can cause trouble they absolutely can my friend had a terrible time when her husband got ill and landed in the hospital they decided his wife could not visit him and kept her away. When he got out and found out why she hadn't been there to see him lets just say all he-- broke loose with him and his kids. Hope you get to see your husband sooner then next week.

Thank you cater. I do not understand how his son can be so mean and spiteful either. The situation with your friend is very different from mine. Unfortunately, I could never tell my DH that his son kept me from visiting him because first of all, he may not even understand what I'm telling him because of his dementia. Secondly, if he does understand and says something to his son, you can be sure I'll never see him again.

There is some hopeful news though. Yesterday one of DH's relatives called me just to see how I was doing. She had called me a couple of times while I was caregiving and said to call her anytime I needed to talk. We were not close at all, but I decided to give her a call yesterday and we had a wonderful conversation. She is such a genuine person and I think she is my angel.

She was horrified at what has transpired and said she is going to get to the bottom of this and we are going to visit DH together. I have a lot of faith in her and am now very hopeful where I wasn't before.