Community Chat

[wowee]

legally, YOU are your husbands next of kin. Your stepson CAN NOT LEGALLY keep you away. Consult an attorney right away. Chances are good that you would not have to be present in court, this is a cut and dry LEGAl case. There is NO ONE in the world who would keep me away from my hubby, no matter what.

[wowee]

On 1/19/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/19/2014 Bungo said:

Will are not necessarily about money.

You are talking about Health Care Proxy and Living Will?

Without getting into too much detail, because the more I post and the more detail I give, the more identifiable I fear I could be, but now that his children are in charge of his (and ultimately their) money, they need to be making decisions about their father's care as to how his money should best be spent. If I continued to make the financial decisions, they are just the type of children (greedy) to cause me trouble for my decisions. I did not want to be involved in a court battle.

I made it clear that I want to be involved in the decision-making however. I never thought I would be completely shut out. This comes as a huge and inexplicable surprise to me.

Why would you be worried about being identified? Do his children frequent these forums? Do they know you frequent them? I seriously doubt it would EVER occur to anyone I know to check the Q forum to see what I was writing about.

[Jussa]

On 1/20/2014 Yuban3 said:

So you don't believe his son when he says that he has a lot on his plate right now with everything that's going on?

Yuban, without any information for the past 10 days about my DH, I was concerned about DH not being taken care of or even worse, being abused. His son is not known for his patience and compassion.

Now, after having had a lengthy conversation about exactly what is going on, yes I do understand he has a lot on his plate right now. He is going through exactly what I have been going through for the past year. In fact, I had much more on my plate for one year, but never "banned" him or his sister from visiting their father and I still don't quite buy why he allowed his sister and her daughter to visit but not me.

[Jussa]

On 1/20/2014 wowee said:

legally, YOU are your husbands next of kin. Your stepson CAN NOT LEGALLY keep you away. Consult an attorney right away. Chances are good that you would not have to be present in court, this is a cut and dry LEGAl case. There is NO ONE in the world who would keep me away from my hubby, no matter what.

wowee, I have already said I don't have the stamina for court right now and I would have to go to court, and if I were to go to court, that would cause irreparable friction. His son has valid concerns about not scaring away the hired help right now until DH adjusts better to this new situation and/or his meds are adjusted to mediate his aggressive behavior. I have to play this wisely for right now and think very hard about my choices. I don't think it will serve me well to rush to court without realizing the consequences.

ETA: As far as being identified here, I do not know if his children or their friends, or other family members frequent here. I have no way of knowing.

[Yuban3]

It sounds like his son has very valid and legitimate reasons for restricting company. I'm sure that you can understand that after having been your husband's caregiver, right? Let things settle down first, and once a routine is established that your husband can get used to, the son probably will start allowing for visitors.

[Anniecamp]

Jussa, I'm glad to see that you've heard from your stepson. I suspect he had no idea what he was taking on to be a caregiver, and what his father was really like now, especially since he never visited him while he was in that condition.

There are so many things, like how someone like that can be affected after sundown and become violent, etc. As I mentioned earlier, he likely isn't very accepting of what has been/is happening to his father, so of course, "he can do it better" and save money.

One would think he would find some comfort in consulting with you, regarding his fathers "style", ways, since you took care of him so long.

I'm so sorry you are grieving and hurting so badly. When a loved one gets like this, it's a loss like a death, but no funeral, and you still see the living body, yet they are not who you knew.

Hugs to you Jussa. You've been a good wife to your dh, and I hope you get to see him soon.

[Jussa]

On 1/20/2014 Anniecamp said:

Jussa, I'm glad to see that you've heard from your stepson. I suspect he had no idea what he was taking on to be a caregiver, and what his father was really like now, especially since he never visited him while he was in that condition.

There are so many things, like how someone like that can be affected after sundown and become violent, etc. As I mentioned earlier, he likely isn't very accepting of what has been/is happening to his father, so of course, "he can do it better" and save money.

One would think he would find some comfort in consulting with you, regarding his fathers "style", ways, since you took care of him so long.

I'm so sorry you are grieving and hurting so badly. When a loved one gets like this, it's a loss like a death, but no funeral, and you still see the living body, yet they are not who you knew.

Hugs to you Jussa. You've been a good wife to your dh, and I hope you get to see him soon.

Thank you for your kind words Anniecamp. As a caregiver, I have been to h#ll and back more times than I can count. I would have thought (and hoped) that my stepson would have kept me informed at the very least and consulted with me because I could have offered my help on so many levels.

Sometimes death is kinder than watching a loved one deteriorate to a person you no longer know. They are there but they aren't, which although it is very difficult to say this, can be more of a torture than the finality of death.

[Bjjo]

I'm so glad you sat back for a few days without involving a lawyer immediately to pursue.There would have been plenty of time for that later, if even needed. This situation was new to you, your husband and husbands son and maybe adjustment time was needed for a brief moment for all. This might turn out to be the best arrangement for everyone considering what all can or can not physically, mentally or even possibly financially accomplish by themselves. You will have some private home time to nurture yourself and be available to visit with your husband and let the nurse or sitter be responsible for your husbands daily needs. I hope this continues to play out for the benefit for all.

[wowee]

On 1/20/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/20/2014 wowee said:

legally, YOU are your husbands next of kin. Your stepson CAN NOT LEGALLY keep you away. Consult an attorney right away. Chances are good that you would not have to be present in court, this is a cut and dry LEGAl case. There is NO ONE in the world who would keep me away from my hubby, no matter what.

wowee, I have already said I don't have the stamina for court right now and I would have to go to court, and if I were to go to court, that would cause irreparable friction. His son has valid concerns about not scaring away the hired help right now until DH adjusts better to this new situation and/or his meds are adjusted to mediate his aggressive behavior. I have to play this wisely for right now and think very hard about my choices. I don't think it will serve me well to rush to court without realizing the consequences.

ETA: As far as being identified here, I do not know if his children or their friends, or other family members frequent here. I have no way of knowing.

I am not trying to be difficult, chances are you would not have to go to court, your attorney would handle everything. And I do not understand, how would your coming to see him scare away the staff? I am in healthcare and trust me, any home health nurses are used to ornery pts.

[Jussa]

On 1/20/2014 wowee said:

On 1/20/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/20/2014 wowee said:

legally, YOU are your husbands next of kin. Your stepson CAN NOT LEGALLY keep you away. Consult an attorney right away. Chances are good that you would not have to be present in court, this is a cut and dry LEGAl case. There is NO ONE in the world who would keep me away from my hubby, no matter what.

wowee, I have already said I don't have the stamina for court right now and I would have to go to court, and if I were to go to court, that would cause irreparable friction. His son has valid concerns about not scaring away the hired help right now until DH adjusts better to this new situation and/or his meds are adjusted to mediate his aggressive behavior. I have to play this wisely for right now and think very hard about my choices. I don't think it will serve me well to rush to court without realizing the consequences.

ETA: As far as being identified here, I do not know if his children or their friends, or other family members frequent here. I have no way of knowing.

I am not trying to be difficult, chances are you would not have to go to court, your attorney would handle everything. And I do not understand, how would your coming to see him scare away the staff? I am in healthcare and trust me, any home health nurses are used to ornery pts.

Whether or not I would actually have to go to court, involving a lawyer would be a confrontational move on my part and cause an irreparable rift. Like merrytime said, sometimes you just have to sit back and give things a chance as difficult as it may be. By taking time and thinking things through carefullly, I hope to avoid an irreparable rift. Remember, after a judge awards me the right to visit, what happens from that point moving forward as far as a relationship with my DH's children? I am a firm believer that all actions have a reaction and you have to be careful about making major decisions and not make them hastily or emotionally.

As far as my visiting scaring the staff, my once kind and gentle DH has had a major behavioral change with his illness. It is not just being ornery. It is volatile and aggressive and he can lash out without warning for no apparent reason, cursing, using threatening language, throwing things, even scratching or grabbing a wrist. I dealt with this behavior every day, so I know.

My stepson explained that his father was extremely agitated when he was discharged (understandably so) and needs to adjust to his new environment. He wants his father to get used to his new routine. He also needs to discuss with the doctor either adjusting or changing his father's behavioral meds so that he won't act out because his behavior seems to be getting worse. If someone visits, upsetting the routine, then they leave, his son and the staff may likely be left with a volatile, confused, and angry person. My stepson wants to minimize this behavior by not upsetting the new routine. He doesn't want the staff to say they are not going to deal with this volatile behavior and leave.