Community Chat

[Jussa]

Hi everyone,

With great trepidation, I am posting my difficult situation. I've been reading the boards long enough to know this may turn ugly, so please try to be kind.

My heart is breaking. I was caregiver to my DH for one year until I was unable to do it anymore. He has two children. He had a bad fall and was in the hospital a couple of months ago, then was admitted to a rehab facility. I expected that after rehab, he would be admitted to a nursing facility, which is really where he needs to be. He needs 24/7 care that I cannot give him. He has dementia.

Here's the kicker. I am not in DH's will nor he in mine. It is both our second marriage. He raised his children and his money is for them. Please do not argue about this separate issue. I only bring it up because since it is his children's inheritance, they are now assuming responsibility for his care.

His son wants to set his father up in his apartment with round the clock aides rather than a nursing home. His father was recently discharged from the rehab facility and the son did not tell me. I found out by accident. I couldn't reach his son (he wouldn't answer his phone or even give me his email address) for over one week. He finally answered the phone and told me I cannot visit "yet", that his father is not adjusting well and is agitated and he feels I would just add to that agitation. I said I might be able to calm him down and comfort him.

What are your thoughts about my stepson forbidding me to come over? In the back of my mind, I'm thinking it is intentional that my stepson wants to keep me out of his father's life now that he has control. I have never been on great terms with his children. They are selfish and greedy. What would you do? I am anxious to see my DH.

[SurvivedOne]

Clearly there are other issues going on. And issues between you and your husband's son/children. If your husband's son is stepping up to pay for his dad's care at home care rather than him being in a nursing home, that is an amazing son. Seems like there is alot left out in this story.

[Bird mama]

Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

[Jussa]

On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:

Clearly there are other issues going on. And issues between you and your husband's son/children. If your husband's son is stepping up to pay for his dad's care at home care rather than him being in a nursing home, that is an amazing son. Seems like there is alot left out in this story.

I'm sorry, you misunderstand. His son is not paying for his father's care. His son is choosing the cheaper way out so that his father's money (his inheritance) is not swallowed up by a nursing home. The stepson is trying to do it on the cheap to preserve his inheritance!

[Jussa]

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:

Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

[Jussa]

To add: His children hardly ever visited their father, although they knew he was not well. They were and are too busy with their own lives. I feel that the son is blaming me for everything that has transpired with his father and that he never really understood what I had to deal with as a caregiver. DH had behavioral changes as part of his illness and abused me verbally and emotionally. He also threatened me. I think his children thought I was making it all up. So I'm thinking now the son is being vindictive as far as not allowing me to see DH. I could be paranoid, but I don't understand how his father being agitated right now means I can't see him. ?????

[SurvivedOne]

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:

Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

I'm sorry but if I was married to someone I really loved for 30 years, I certainly wouldn't be giving a rat's behind about some "inheritance" vs my husband's life on this earth. And I certainly wouldn't be thinking about being "taken to court". All I could think about was being with my husband. I would be moving heaven and earth to do whatever is best for him.

[Bird mama]

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:

Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

Jussa, I don't really want to post what I would do because it might be construed as judgment and I don't want that.

Do you think the son was taken by surprise that you turned over control and decisions after 30 years and he might be ticked about it?

[Bird mama]

Jussa you answered the question while I was posting.

[SurvivedOne]

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:

Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

Jussa, I don't really want to post what I would do because it might be construed as judgment and I don't want that.

Do you think the son was taken by surprise that you turned over control and decisions after 30 years and he might be ticked about it?

My thought as well.