Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH - Page 3

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:
Depending how much you want to see your husband will depend on how much you are willing to put the efforts, energies into trying to connect with your stepson. Complicated situations have complicated issues, feelings. On both sides. Good luck.

I have made it clear to both his children over the past year that I am committed to caring for their father to the best of my ability. I kept them informed about their father's illness every step of the way and decisions that were made, doctors' visits, tests, etc. Several months ago, I indicated that I could no longer manage taking care of their father either physically or emotionally and that we needed to all sit down and figure out a solution together. That's when hostilities arose. Of course, they were too busy to take the time for this, yet they were annoyed that I couldn't handle it. They had no clue as to exactly how horrific my daily life was. I hung in there well beyond what any human being could tolerate. It took its toll on me.

Bird mama · ‎03-12-2010

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
Bird mama, I hesitate to give too many details, but his son is certainly a "seasoned" adult.

Jussa, this is just my opinion. My opinion and a few bucks with buy you something off the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant ${#emotions_dlg.laugh}$

The son just inherited responsibility for a difficult situation and is probably not thrilled about it. He won't understand the mood changes until his father flips on him the first time. You are the outsider and he is in control. So, short of trying to explain to the son what you've said to me (love DH, just can't live with DH) the son has all the cards.

I am not being corny when I write this - I will pray for you regarding this situation.

There are times when you must speak, not because you are going to change the opposing side, but because if you do not speak, they have changed you.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

Oh, I think I'm sorry I posted this. It probably sounds too complicated or too vague or too strange, or all three. ${#emotions_dlg.sad}$ Thank you for listening anyhow.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
Bird mama, I hesitate to give too many details, but his son is certainly a "seasoned" adult.

Jussa, this is just my opinion. My opinion and a few bucks with buy you something off the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant ${#emotions_dlg.laugh}$

The son just inherited responsibility for a difficult situation and is probably not thrilled about it. He won't understand the mood changes until his father flips on him the first time. You are the outsider and he is in control. So, short of trying to explain to the son what you've said to me (love DH, just can't live with DH) the son has all the cards.

I am not being corny when I write this - I will pray for you regarding this situation.

This. You have an excellent grasp of the situation Bird mama. Thank you for your prayers.

Bjjo · ‎03-10-2010

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:
Depending how much you want to see your husband will depend on how much you are willing to put the efforts, energies into trying to connect with your stepson. Complicated situations have complicated issues, feelings. On both sides. Good luck.

I have made it clear to both his children over the past year that I am committed to caring for their father to the best of my ability. I kept them informed about their father's illness every step of the way and decisions that were made, doctors' visits, tests, etc. Several months ago, I indicated that I could no longer manage taking care of their father either physically or emotionally and that we needed to all sit down and figure out a solution together. That's when hostilities arose. Of course, they were too busy to take the time for this, yet they were annoyed that I couldn't handle it. They had no clue as to exactly how horrific my daily life was. I hung in there well beyond what any human being could tolerate. It took its toll on me.

I feel and understand all that you have shared. I truly do feel your inward hurt, frustration, exhaustion as you lovingly cared for your husband needs daily. The ups and downs of personality change that happens with dementia as well as being there for him as you were taking care of him very minute of every day. There does come a time that the one caregiver gives out physically and mentally after pushing beyond until they need help, understanding and consideration for their own welfare. I hope that all will work out so time will be on your side to be able to see and visit your husband. I could say so much more, but will not for now. Many blessings to you.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

You understand merrytime, clearly from personal experience. Thanks and God bless.

Anniecamp · ‎03-12-2010

Jussa, I don't think that your posts have been complicated or confusing at all. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It doesn't sound like the son or other children are accepting their father's deterioration, and they take it out on you.

It's interesting how others can be critical of caregivers who are unable to do it any longer because of the person's deterioration. When I had to finally place my mother in a home, I had people call from other states to criticize, judge, and blame me for what I had done to this wonderful woman! They had not seen her in 20 years and had no idea what her situation was at that point.

It's a heartbreaking thing to go through, and I wish you the best. See if you can seek out some sort of senior care counselor, lawyer, etc. to find out if they can keep you from visiting your dh. Maybe the last place he was in could vouch for you as far as visits were ok.

tansy · ‎01-02-2011

I would seek out a lawyer who specializes in geriatric law. You should have some rights here as his wife of many years.

KYToby · ‎02-19-2012

Speak to an attorney regarding these issues. Not only should you be able to get medical power of attorney, but in many states, a spouse is entitled to a share of an estate (regardless of the will).