1. Just sending out a big hug to anyone who needs it right now.
2. Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world.
3. Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the foot prints in the cat litter box this morning.
4. Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug - out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised - that is, until I heard him tell his father, "You were right, she did gain weight."
5. Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
6. Girl: So how many times a day do you shave? Man: Well about 150 to 120 times everyday. Girl: My goodness are you some kind of crazy? Man: No, I'm a barber.
7. "I am a master of fast calculations." "OK, what is
758 times 642 divided by 5?" "22"
"Ha Ha, that's wrong."
"Might be, but it was fast."
8. I received an invitation to a wedding. I replied: Maybe next time. Thanks."
9. My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray AFTER our food.
10. What to give a man who's got everything? A woman. She'll tell him how everything works.
11. It's been raining for days now and my husband seems very very depressed by it. He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I'm going to have to let him in.
12. First rule of Sundays: If you cant reach it from the couch, you don't need it.
13. ...and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me. "Laugh and be happy, it could be worse"...and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
14. If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
15. Jellyfish has existed as species for 50 million years, surviving for just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
16. Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell? "Yep, gravity still works."
17. My relationship is like an iPad. I don't have an iPad.
18. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
19. They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
20. When somebody doesn't get something: I'm sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
21. I'm aware that voices in my head aren't real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes.
22. Somebody said today that I am lazy. I nearly answered him.
23. I'm not lazy. I am just a very relaxed person.
24. What can you say when it's already late and you really want to go home? Can you hear that? That's my pillow calling and it becomes really mean if I let it wait too long.
25. I'm standing outside. In other words, I'm outside.
To be continued
Short Funny Sayings
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The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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