Private Ceremony

Puzzle Piece · ‎06-29-2010

My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.

What am I not understanding about this?

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Buck-i-Nana · ‎09-28-2010

Sadly, that doesn't surprise me. Sorry for your loss, and sorry you've had to deal with those folks.

You see that type of behaviour right here in our forum....folks who insist that they know better than everyone else and refuse to acknowledge that their way isn't the only way.

Trinity11 · ‎11-16-2014

I am sorry this happened to you.

I remember when my mom passed, my dad was too upset to have a dinner after the burial which is customary in his family. Some of his relatives actually complained to me about it questioning why he was mourning privately.

ALRATIBA · ‎07-15-2016

My response would have been that you were following your FIL's wishes .... and leave it at that. It's their problem, not yours.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

It's not you, it's them. A lot of people don't read all they should, and those that do say to themselves, well that can't possibly mean me. I'm not sure how to tactfully mention this beyone just honestly stating, it's just meant to be a private meeting according to the deceased wishes, we'll contact you later, but thanks anyway."

ChynnaBlue · ‎05-22-2012

Funerals and celebrations of life are for the living, not the dead. They are rituals to help the living cope with a loss. That's what you father in law failed to understand when he decided to set the terms. Maybe he did not want to be a burden, I don't know.

Either way, I would let people know that your FIL asked for no ceremony to be held, but encourage them to hold their own because it's an important part of the grieving process. If he had a favorite place, I would tell them to go there and hold a memorial of their own, but you are honoring his wishes.

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Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@Puzzle Piece wrote:
My Father In Law passed away last May. We had the papers announce his passing and the obituary read PRIVATE CEREMONY. We let the neighbors know that it was an intimate burial, no guests. My FIL told us what he wanted on his passing and he wanted a private ceremony, no guests and only the three children with the exception of two friends. Okay, we though that would be honored by all. Apparently not as folks just showed up. My FIL strongly stated "No Celebration of Life" after the burial. Okay. Folks wanted one and asked about it after the burial. We were made to feel irresponsible for not having one.
What am I not understanding about this?

@Puzzle Piece

I've read many times that funerals and wakes are for the living, not the dead. People want to pay their respects and deal with the situation. The deceased is gone ... they don't really need anything from us at that point.

The only thing I don't understand is .... how did they know when to show up? And where?

KentuckyWoman · ‎03-13-2010

When I read obits in the paper that state private services, I just send a hand written note to the survivors. Private means private.

I have learned in my life that for many people visitations and funreals are social gatherings. To expect the grieving family to stand for hours on end and greet the public while people laugh and chat it up is beyond me. When I have to go, I pay my respects and leave.

I would have told the people who showed up you were following the wishes of your family member and offer no further explanation.

athenian · ‎03-18-2012

My father, too, wanted no ceremony at all. We explained to relatives and close friends that we were honoring his wishes. If others who were not close found it odd, we didn't care. This is a very personal decision, and there is no "right" way to bury or mourn a loved one. Pay no attention to those who have an opinion on something that is not their concern.