Pending holiday......gloom and doom

saywhen · ‎04-28-2010

Does anyone else dread the on-going ordeal of once again attempting a "happy" time with the reality of the tension filled dysfunctional vibes of ancient family issues controlling all gatherings? Sadly,it never seems to get better.

saywhen · ‎04-28-2010

Just retread this and regret I sound so down. Could not sleep and maybe some one out there will give me a good word of advice and a kick in the rear ----I have much to be thankful for and even with family tensions----we all try hard to make the best of this time of year.

Bird mama · ‎03-12-2010

Saywhen - family dysfunction sure does take the joy out of the holidays. I had almost 40 years of it (when I was growing up and when I lived down the street from my parents). It wasn't always immediate family, it was also my Mom's side of the family stirring the pot. Honestly, when I moved into my own house, roughly 20 miles away, it was easier to keep the dysfunction to the minimum.

There is an old saying - absence makes the heart grow fonder. My twist on that is Distance Makes the Heart Grown Fonder.

I found that when I would visit any family and they would start up because they had an audience, I'd say, well I didn't drive in for this. Maybe I will try another day when you are in a better mood (lol).

I'm in my early 50's saywhen. It got easier for me to be vocal about not tolerating the dysfunction.

There are times when you must speak, not because you are going to change the opposing side, but because if you do not speak, they have changed you.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I'm with you on this topic. I grew up in a loving family and had a wonderful childhood. My Dad flat out did not enjoy being around his many siblings; his sisters and brothers squabbled all the time when they were together, and sometimes it got so bad, my Grandpa would tell the problem child of the day to go home!

My MIL created a lot of tension in my husbands family because of the favoritism she showed towards one of her children. This did not make for pleasant family gatherings, and there were many functions I absolutely would not attend because I just wasn't up for the drama. Now that my MIL has passed, only the favored child wants the family gatherings, because he wants a free meal; the rest of us are content to stay in our own homes with our own families, and insist that he do the same. In some families, togetherness is not always a good thing.

Financialgrl · ‎03-13-2010

Had a great upbringing and once our mother died, dad loved ever family gathering. Thanksgiving was my holiday to host and a lot of hassle (I'd have anywhere from 8 to 25 people). Dad died a few years ago and then we decided Christmas was for individual families and stopped gift exchanges and get togethers. I've since stopped hosting Thanksgiving and instead have replaced it with a huge family gathering in the middle of the year. Much less stressful - no huge crowds at the grocery stores, etc. My siblings have chosen to do something similar - they hold a few cookouts during the summer/fall which allows us to still see each other and avoid all the stress of holidays.

jeanlake · ‎03-10-2010

Saywhen -- I get it. You are entitled to a little dread now and again when it comes to extended family. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile spending those rare, precious days off of work in tense family environments. I totally get it. Especially if you're powerless to change attitudes.

I'm going to say something difficult for me. Since my oldest sibling died at age 62 (aneurism) our family no longer has a resident curmudgeon. He was our family Eeyore. A few weeks before any family holiday he would try to cause a divide between his younger sisters. She and I are 21 months apart in age. In our 40s, we got wise to what he was doing. We took away his power, but he was still an Eeyore. A negative Ned. Not a great legacy, eh? Our grown kids don't know all the details about him. That's the kindness we extend to him as an uncle. But sometimes I feel guilty because I don't miss him in a sisterly way. Family. Whatcha gonna do?

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau

Black Cat Back · ‎03-21-2010

I have no family anymore. When my parents passed, my siblings got lawyers and tried to undermine what my parents had put in place. I was their caregiver for years. It's amazing how when someone passes away, the holy "family" unit is meaningless and frought with greed and meanness. I spend holidays alone. And sadly, even my so called friends know I'm alone and they don't include me.

I see the world as less caring and less compassionate.

I'll be going to the homeless shelter on Thanksgiving Day to feed the hungry. I still have love to give.

Hooty · ‎03-09-2010

My parents and my DH's parents are deceased. I have a sister and that is the only immediate relative I have, we have definitely had our moments in life where we have not gotten along, but she does plan to comes to our house at Thanksgiving. DH has a daughter, who's family does their own thing at Thanksgiving & Christmas, they live out of state and has a sister who lives in another state.

I hate to see someone spend the holidays alone, but it is best sometimes than being miserable, if any of you lived close to me, I would invite you to eat with us!

ivey · ‎03-10-2010

I'm going through the ordeal of a really dysfunctional family. (More drama this past weekend.) What has gotten to me is I can't anticipate it--it comes out of left field. Plus, the longevity of it--years and years.

So, I've chosen to spend Thanksgiving alone and I am happy about it. Rather than go through a nightmare, I'll just get take out somewhere and watch football.

You can't change others. So sometimes you just have to remove yourself.