Community Chat

[YorkieonmyPillow]

She may not apologize, but I would wait for her to contact me. If she doesn't apologize, I would just forgive and move on but I would protect myself emotionally if you know what I mean.

But I definitely would let her contact me first.

[CatsyCline]

gee willikers lots of Beaver Cleaver families here

[CatsyCline]

On 2/17/2015 terrier3 said:

On 2/17/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

I notice you say that a lot Terrier, to just forget about it and not turn it into a major battle. It seems to me it is the mother who turned it into a major battle by calling her daughter that. I think the way you handle it is extremely unhealthy and most mental health professionals would say the same. It is one thing to overlook what a parent says when they are sick or having problems with mental health. It is quite another to sweep it under the rug when a parent does not have any of that going on.

Asking for an apology isn't turning anything into a major battle and it is to be expected. The only person turning it into a major battle is a mother who refuses to apologize for calling her daughter a b.

Maybe you stayed quiet for the sake of the family but that is absolutely the wrong thing to do because it in essence says that it is ok for a person to treat another person like that. I totally disagree with your stance that it is your mother and she won't be around forever and you can't snub her like you can a coworker. Sure you can. If there is someone in your life who is toxic and continually talks to you in a manner that is rude, mean and disrespectful, you absolutely can and should snub them. No one deserves to be treated like that EVEN if it is your own mother. I love my mother to death and we are VERY close but if my mother talked to me in this type of way and ways you have described we would have a very different relationship and it wouldn't be a close on at all.

I don't understand people who make excuses for others like this and then tell the INSULTED person not to make a big deal of it and not to turn it into a major battle. It is the mother who turned it into a major battle by referring to her daughter in such a terribly disrespectful way.

Trying to change someone else's behavior (especially a senior mother) is a losing battle.

You can't change other people....but you CAN change how you react to their behavior and how it affects you.

It doesn't sound as if she wants to remove Mom entirely from her life (that is always an option). Expecting an apology? Expecting someone to change their behavior? Almost impossible.

So my suggestion is to put it behind her....grow up and don't escalate their conversation.

^^ yes

[polar]

Get over it.

[straykatz]

I totally get what Terrier is saying....is the OP prepared to expect/demand an apology may NEVER happen...and if that is the case how does that affect her relationship with the mother?.....sometimes it's better to walk away from the battle if you are not prepared for the consequences.

[lovescats]

On 2/17/2015 terrier3 said:

On 2/17/2015 lovescats said:

My mother used to call me and my sister devils but maybe it was true (sometimes). I guess I would do whatever your mother wants done with them. I wouldn't wait for any apology.

I'm with you...

Why let a slip of the tongue turn into a major battle?

I wouldn't turn it into a major battle either for a couple of reasons. One person lives in VA the other in NY. Also I won't say for sure but having to speak to person at length (the op's sister) sort of sounds like the other sister had to be convinced to do this this.

[Irshgrl31201]

On 2/17/2015 terrier3 said:

On 2/17/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

I notice you say that a lot Terrier, to just forget about it and not turn it into a major battle. It seems to me it is the mother who turned it into a major battle by calling her daughter that. I think the way you handle it is extremely unhealthy and most mental health professionals would say the same. It is one thing to overlook what a parent says when they are sick or having problems with mental health. It is quite another to sweep it under the rug when a parent does not have any of that going on.

Asking for an apology isn't turning anything into a major battle and it is to be expected. The only person turning it into a major battle is a mother who refuses to apologize for calling her daughter a b.

Maybe you stayed quiet for the sake of the family but that is absolutely the wrong thing to do because it in essence says that it is ok for a person to treat another person like that. I totally disagree with your stance that it is your mother and she won't be around forever and you can't snub her like you can a coworker. Sure you can. If there is someone in your life who is toxic and continually talks to you in a manner that is rude, mean and disrespectful, you absolutely can and should snub them. No one deserves to be treated like that EVEN if it is your own mother. I love my mother to death and we are VERY close but if my mother talked to me in this type of way and ways you have described we would have a very different relationship and it wouldn't be a close on at all.

I don't understand people who make excuses for others like this and then tell the INSULTED person not to make a big deal of it and not to turn it into a major battle. It is the mother who turned it into a major battle by referring to her daughter in such a terribly disrespectful way.

Trying to change someone else's behavior (especially a senior mother) is a losing battle.

You can't change other people....but you CAN change how you react to their behavior and how it affects you.

It doesn't sound as if she wants to remove Mom entirely from her life (that is always an option). Expecting an apology? Expecting someone to change their behavior? Almost impossible.

So my suggestion is to put it behind her....grow up and don't escalate their conversation.

I agree trying to change someones behavior is a losing battle and let me make this clear, I am not talking about a parent who is ill or has dementia or something like that.

I don't think something like this should be put behind her or swept under the rug if it bothers her (which it most definitely should). Why should she (or anyone who is talked to this way) have to s u ck it up when the person who started this all does nothing to remedy the situation. Personally if someone talked to me like this and didn't want to offer very sincere apology they wouldn't be be in my immediate circle of people I want to spend time with. I can't imagine giving someone advice when they did nothing wrong that would be in essence telling them "yeah I know you didn't do anything to offend your mother and she called you a B anyway but just hush up about it because you aren't going to get an apology and you shouldn't even think of asking or else you will rock the boat." Her mother is the one who should be worried about rocking the boat by calling her daughter that and not giving an apology immediately and sincerely. If you keep accepting that behavior, it says it is ok to keep getting treated that way.

BTW, we got a couple of inches of snow here. Ya-hoo!!!!!! lol!

[Elstongunn]

What I would want to know is WHAT exactly the sister told her mother to make her react in such a fashion.

Otherwise, in the grand scheme of your life, is this really something that will be a life-altering issue for you? Only you can answer that and how much of your time and emotions you want to spend on it.

[terrier3]

On 2/17/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

I agree trying to change someones behavior is a losing battle and let me make this clear, I am not talking about a parent who is ill or has dementia or something like that.

I don't think something like this should be put behind her or swept under the rug if it bothers her (which it most definitely should). Why should she (or anyone who is talked to this way) have to s u ck it up when the person who started this all does nothing to remedy the situation. Personally if someone talked to me like this and didn't want to offer very sincere apology they wouldn't be be in my immediate circle of people I want to spend time with. I can't imagine giving someone advice when they did nothing wrong that would be in essence telling them "yeah I know you didn't do anything to offend your mother and she called you a B anyway but just hush up about it because you aren't going to get an apology and you shouldn't even think of asking or else you will rock the boat." Her mother is the one who should be worried about rocking the boat by calling her daughter that and not giving an apology immediately and sincerely. If you keep accepting that behavior, it says it is ok to keep getting treated that way.

BTW, we got a couple of inches of snow here. Ya-hoo!!!!!! lol!

It's her mother...who isn't going to change.

She needs to find a way for it to NOT bother her, if she wants to continue to have a relationship with her mother.

Mom lives in another state - it's not as if they are interacting every day...it should be easy to put this behind her.

She CAN and should change her reactions to her mom...stop letting mom "push her buttons."

[hyacinth003]

A wise friend of mine had a saying "Is this the hill you want to die on?"

Most of the time the answer is NO.

I doubt your mother is going to change her personality and way of doing things.

A couple years ago my dad said a few things to me that I thought I would never get past. It included bad words that my dad had NEVER before said in my presence. Since he is in his 80's, I decided I HAD to let it go.

I have no doubt what your mother said hurt you a lot. I lost my mother in 2009, and I would LOVE to have her BACK despite our disagreements. NO MATTER WHAT.

You still have your mother. Consider the long term picture.

Hyacinth