Re: My moms guilt.

Flatbush · ‎07-18-2015

I think this is an excellent suggestion.

It will give the remaining family time to think and realize they are not alone in experiencing guilt. Dementia of any type is so very difficult, it takes a tremendous toll on the care givers.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

My suggestion, remind your mother, that with your gram's condition, she probably forgot what was said to her in an instant. That chapter has closed, can't be changed. Tell it's time to forgive herself, it doesn't help anything. That past time is gone, clean slate time.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

I feel for your mom. It's so difficult to care for a parent, no matter their condition or illness.

She needs to continue therapy. My recommendation is that she find one who uses EMDR therapy. It made a world of difference for me.

I feel honored to have been taking care of my 92 yr old dad for 6 years. He lived in his own home until this past summer when we moved him to assisted living. I feel guilt about a lot of things, especially if I skip a day visiting him.

Two of us kids are retired and are responsible for everything. My brother handles all the financial stuff, thank goodness. I am his medical POA and primary contact for doctors, hospitals, medical care, and the assisted living facility.

I cared for my disabled sister for a few years. That was the most stressful thing I've ever done. She has a lot of medical and brain issues resulting from a stroke but thinks she is like she was before the stroke. I went to court to obtain conservatorship and we ended up having a professional third party do it. That was a great decision.

Northray · ‎08-29-2013

@AuntMame wrote:
Guilt is very common after a long haul of caregiving for someone with dementia. You should call the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. They have local support groups for caregivers who are in Stage 8, as it is referred to, of dementia. In other words, support groups for caregivers who's loved one has passed and they are dealing with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and regret that come after.

Your mom might need to find a therapist who has experience helping caregivers. A friend went through this while caregiving for her parents. She went through several therapists until she found one she clicked with and who had experience working with caregivers. She said it was like the clouds broke and her life changed while working with this therapist.

I'm so sorry your mom is going through this. Dementia in any form is a horrible illness, and caregiving exacts a huge toll, mentally and physically. The guilt your mom is experiencing is common and your mom is going to need her own time to heal.

The Alzheimer's Association runs an online support forum for caregivers who's loved ones have passed. If you peruse the messages you'll see that many in the forum write of suffering similar feelings of guilt: https://alzconnected.org/categories/supporting-those-who-have-lost-someone

Wow, this is huge! I didn't know there was a Stage 8. OMG thank you!

My mom and I researched everything we could about Alzheimer's/Dementia, we were faithful followers of Teepa Snow whom we called our Dementia guru. She never mentioned Stage 8, of course, we never bought her courses, just watched her Youtube vids and other free resources from her. So she could have mentioned it in her online courses. And she educates from the perspective of the victim of Dementia, not the caregiver.

Now I can show her that she's in Stage 8, that others have been pushed to the breaking point and lashed out too. I mean I knew she wasn't alone in this but she needs to see that even the best person can be pushed to the breaking point.

Agan, thank you so soo much! I went to the link you posted and there is a thread on this very issue. I'm so grateful for the empathy and good advice I have received from all the posters on this thread. You all have helped tremendously.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

-Rumi

Puppy Lips · ‎05-09-2010

If your grandma had dementia, she likely did not understand or remember what your Mom said to her anyway. All families fight on occasion, while still knowing they love one another. Some people have the opposite problem of not telling a relative how badly that relative hurt them before they pass. Maybe your mom can write a letter of apology to her. That might help get her over this, even though her mom has passed. Or maybe she does still need therapy.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

SaveTheTurtles · ‎10-09-2023

Give the guilt and past problems to God- there are good therapists and not so good therapists. You need to find one that you are comfortable with and you feel is helping. If not helping then move on until you find the right one.

AuntMame · ‎10-16-2010

@Northray wrote:
@AuntMame wrote:
Guilt is very common after a long haul of caregiving for someone with dementia. You should call the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. They have local support groups for caregivers who are in Stage 8, as it is referred to, of dementia. In other words, support groups for caregivers who's loved one has passed and they are dealing with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and regret that come after.

Your mom might need to find a therapist who has experience helping caregivers. A friend went through this while caregiving for her parents. She went through several therapists until she found one she clicked with and who had experience working with caregivers. She said it was like the clouds broke and her life changed while working with this therapist.

I'm so sorry your mom is going through this. Dementia in any form is a horrible illness, and caregiving exacts a huge toll, mentally and physically. The guilt your mom is experiencing is common and your mom is going to need her own time to heal.

The Alzheimer's Association runs an online support forum for caregivers who's loved ones have passed. If you peruse the messages you'll see that many in the forum write of suffering similar feelings of guilt: https://alzconnected.org/categories/supporting-those-who-have-lost-someone

Wow, this is huge! I didn't know there was a Stage 8. OMG thank you!

My mom and I researched everything we could about Alzheimer's/Dementia, we were faithful followers of Teepa Snow whom we called our Dementia guru. She never mentioned Stage 8, of course, we never bought her courses, just watched her Youtube vids and other free resources from her. So she could have mentioned it in her online courses. And she educates from the perspective of the victim of Dementia, not the caregiver.

Now I can show her that she's in Stage 8, that others have been pushed to the breaking point and lashed out too. I mean I knew she wasn't alone in this but she needs to see that even the best person can be pushed to the breaking point.

Agan, thank you so soo much! I went to the link you posted and there is a thread on this very issue. I'm so grateful for the empathy and good advice I have received from all the posters on this thread. You all have helped tremendously.

I LOVE Teep Snow's videos! They were such a huge help to me in understanding my mom's inexplicable behaviors while caring for her.

Transitioning from being a caregiver to not-being-a-caregiver is so very hard. There are so many emotions in it that caregivers never anticipate.

An article about it was posted the other day on Yahoo News and other web sites. Written by a woman baffled by all the strong emotions she felt when her mother died and she was no longer caring for her:

https://www.yahoo.com/news/took-care-mother-until-she-163222186.html

Glad to know we've been some help here!