Community Chat

[Northray]

So my mom took care of my gram who had dementia for about 21/2 years.  Mom and Gram had a bit of a rocky relationship but for the most part, they loved each other.  Ma had/s lots of anger issues about her childhood tho and how Gram did this or didn't do that.

I could see that Gram was hard on Mom, always getting on her about her weight or her appearance. Dismissing Ma's issues when Ma would try to talk to her about it.  Gram had a very poor, poverty-stricken childhood so she didn't think anything could be as bad as that.  But Ma suffered from depression and other issues that Gram did think were real and would always try to dismiss things happening to Mom.  On the other hand Gram would be there for you in a snap if you needed her.  Always had our backs.  So I would tell Ma to move forward and not get stuck in the past. 

Long story short.  Taking care of a person with dementia is a crazy challenge and one of the issues is they don't want to bathe.  They don't take care of their hygiene.  And they think they have bathed and fight to have to bathe again.  During those times and other trying times, Ma would lose it and say all the things to her she wanted to say but couldn't.  One time I heard Ma call her a mean old crazy hag etc.

Gram died and now Ma is guilt stricken.  We sent her to therapy but it didn't seem to help.  I don't know how to help her.  She cannot forgive herself.       

[LindaSal]

This is deeper than I can go but we all have events in our life that we wish we could change.  Sadly it will stay with us always.   I wonder if she didn't stay with the therapy long enough?  Sounds like real issues here that could take a lifetime just to learn how to

live daily with it.  I wish you and your mom the best.

[DSD2]

My heart goes out to you and to your mother.

Your mother "cannot forgive herself" encapsulated the situation perfectly. Taking care of someone with dementia, parents included is one of the most selfless, difficult and heartbreaking kindnesses one can do.

And yet your mother feels wracked with guilt, with regret.

Perhaps your mother might give therapy another try with someone else. You are obviously a caring daughter and I'm sure your encouragement and support has helped. Gentle whispers reminding her what she did will hopefully help.

In the meantime, I might suggest you pray. I know God listens. There is always hope and sometimes hope is all we have.

God bless you both.

[BoopOMatic]

@Northray  If your mother took care of her for 2.5 years; she has nothing to feel guilty about because she lost her temper/composure a few times.

Your mother is an angel and you can tell her I said so.

[Kachina624]

@Northray.  If your mom didn't click with one therapist, try another. Sometimes it takes more than one try to find "the one".

If your mom is so wracked with guilt over saying things that gram may not have even comprehended, she needs professional help.

[LTT1]

@Northray 

I know you feel responsible to help somehow, but until the person themself wants to change, you cannot instigate this change or the therapy for it.

I'm sure you have reminded your mom that she did all that was humanly possible to help your grandmother.

Still, I'm sure it hurts to see your beloved mom suffer such guilt but if you can, de-program yourself to not let it destroy your sense of calm.

Again, there's only a certain amount of caring we can do for someone whose change needs to come from within.

Hang in there!

[Burnsite]

My dad developed early onset Alzheimer's in his 50s--and lived another 41  years.  (Never run and hike!  It makes people strong, but they can make an Alzheimer's patient nearly immortal.)  My Dad died in his 90s, and suffered so.

In the early phases of the illness, there is a lot of anger. Later on, Dad loved to see people he recognized, though he couldn't speak.  He would cry when his kids came in (my mother was deceased when he became ill) and he would cry when we would leave.  It's a horrible illness, and the people afflicted are very disoriented and sad.  Your mother should forgive her mom and also herself. 

My favorite Alzheimer's story (few people fight Alzheimers for almost 50 years as my father did)....about 5-10 years in, Dad vanished.  (Sundown syndrome--AZ patients get restless and sometimes get out.)   We called the police and all of us also combed the streets.

We found him in the Asian/Pacific style restaurant, two blocks from where he lived, having a Mai Tai with a former patient and neighbor that he couldn't speak to, but recognized, as she did him.  They were at the bar, smiling but silent.  Happy looking.

They both had Alzheimers, had met on the street and recognized each other, and proceeded to have a meal together at the local pu-pu platter restaurant nearby.

My dad never touched alcohol, nor did Lucy. Yet both, when discovered by the police who knew them both well (small town), went home rather happily,

It's a darned sad ailment overall.  Please tell your mom that 2 1/2 years is the turbulent beginning for many patients, as aggression and resistance is (or at least in my Dad's case, was) a disturbing reaction to their loss of autonomy. 

[Tinkrbl44]

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@Northray wrote:

So my mom took care of my gram who had dementia for about 21/2 years.  Mom and Gram had a bit of a rocky relationship but for the most part, they loved each other.  Ma had/s lots of anger issues about her childhood tho and how Gram did this or didn't do that.

I could see that Gram was hard on Mom, always getting on her about her weight or her appearance. Dismissing Ma's issues when Ma would try to talk to her about it.  Gram had a very poor, poverty-stricken childhood so she didn't think anything could be as bad as that.  But Ma suffered from depression and other issues that Gram did think were real and would always try to dismiss things happening to Mom.  On the other hand Gram would be there for you in a snap if you needed her.  Always had our backs.  So I would tell Ma to move forward and not get stuck in the past. 

Long story short.  Taking care of a person with dementia is a crazy challenge and one of the issues is they don't want to bathe.  They don't take care of their hygiene.  And they think they have bathed and fight to have to bathe again.  During those times and other trying times, Ma would lose it and say all the things to her she wanted to say but couldn't.  One time I heard Ma call her a mean old crazy hag etc.

Gram died and now Ma is guilt stricken.  We sent her to therapy but it didn't seem to help.  I don't know how to help her.  She cannot forgive herself.       

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@Northray 

EVERYONE seems to be guilt stricken about something after a parent dies.  This is rather common.

It would have been helpful if your mom had connected with a Caregiver Support Group when she was caring for Gram.  Why not google that and see what comes up?

You didn't mention but if your mom goes to church  then she should have an appointment with her religious advisor and get counselling from them.  

IMO, there's no way you can help her until she's open to being "forgiven".  

[Malcontent]

Life, like it or not … plays out the way it should.

Accept it and move on.

[GingerHead]

  That's a hard one, my elderly dad lived with us while going through cancer treatments and it was DIFFICULT and honestly what little relationship we did have suffered because of it. I understand the hygiene issues, etc involved.

   I feel for your mom because I'm a major worrier and feel guilty a lot. It's a horrible terrible feeling, we all know this. While feeling guilt is a necessary evil at times because  it can teach us to do differently/ be better next time it can also  become something we can't move past and become debilitating.

   You could try to help your mom to understand that she was under a lot of stress and did the best she could at the time but that for her own sanity she needs to give herself some grace and move on.

She's not changing the past by feeling so badly, there's no one to make amends to or to apologize to so the guilt is only hurting her. It's a worthless, damaging emotion at this point. life's too short to be stuck in that.

I'd just remind her of this anytime you can. Sometimes just hearing little reasonable tidbits from loved ones can reset the mind.

I wish ya'll well.