Community Chat

[CalminHeart]

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@smoochy wrote:

she recently posted on fb how grateful she was for her support systems of friends and coworkers to help her heal. I was puzzled so messaged her. She said she had a hard time going back to work after summer break and needed a lot of support. In July her half brother (my ex and his wife had three kids after he divorced me) was killed, hit by a car while riding his bike. He was twenty yrs old and had a twin sister and older brother. My son that my ex and I had together was killed in a motorcycle crash in 2013. Truly horrible for one parent to lose two children. My daughter and my son were not close. She seems way more upset about her half brother's death and is grieving harder and longer. This upsets me. Not sure why. She has not cared to share her feelings with me. I grieve my son's death every day and will til I die. Any thoughts to share?

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I'd give your daughter a ton of grace. .

This is a new grief and may be compounded by the loss of the brother 11 year ago.

I lost a Brother, Dad, SIL, MIL, BIL, and very close friend within 14 months in 2023-2024. Each death added grief to my plate.

Dad's death took me back to the grief I felt when Mom died 7 years ago. It wasn't just twice as much, it was many times as much for each individual death. 

Patience, love, and compassion are what your daughter needs. 

[Scooby Doo]

I think it was gracious of her to thank her friends for their support.

We all grieve in different ways.  We grieve most for those who were emotionally closest to us.  My family is all gone now and I hold them in my heart, but the one I grieve most for was a close friend to whom I had a closer connection.  We could talk for hours and she taught me to be more accepting and forgiving.  She died 20 years ago and God I miss her.

I don't think it's fair for you to expect her to grieve your son (her brother) in the same way that you do.  He was your child, and a mother's love is far different than a siblings.

I'm sorry for your loss.  Grief is a full time job, with no pay.

[qvcaddition]

@nwbabs 

That was kind of you.  I live alone and got text, Only  one son called. It's nice to hear live voices from family or friends.   So tired of texting. I guess it's better than nothing, but when you are elderly and alone, nice to hear a live voice, like in the old days.

My sister who lives in another state , just Texted.    Times have changed. Two years ago, everyone on zoom and had a good time talking, laughing, etc, but now just a short text, because she is very busy.  Sad.

[stevieb]

Some siblings aren't close and some are. Sounds like the young man was a real sweetheart and way too young to meet the fate doled out to him. Could be too that some of her feelings for him were a bit maternal and protective, given their respective ages. Anyone who wants to talk with her about her current grief should focus on that and not the difference between the grief she did or didn't display for her full brother. 

[chrystaltree]

Spoiler

You lost your child and that is a loss that goes on forever.  Your daughter lost her brother in 2013 but you said they were not close and it's been 12 years.  She grieved and moved on.  This new loss of her younger brother is fresh.  It just happened.  They were close.  She's working her way through her grief.  Why are you upset by that???  It's like you feel some sort of competition.  Please don't show that to your daughter.  Just support her in any way you can.

[smoochy]

yes I guess I need to accept that Darcy's feelings for her half brother were very different than her feelings towards her full brother. Not right or wrong just different, so that affects her grieving process. 
for those who don't know, she lives in Thailand so that is why we can't just pick up the phone and talk

[Love my grandkids]

@smoochy Honestly I think it's weird that HER way of grieving for her half brother upsets YOU. You stated she and your son weren't close.

Leave her alone and let her grieve in her own way. My gosh.

[KKlim]

@smoochy.. my condolences again on the tragic young death of your son. It’s a tough situation that u explained and maybe your daughter will come around and open up to u as to what she’s feeling. I wouldn’t press her. And I also hope people give u some grace w/ your thoughts on this Christmas Day.