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Have tissues ready. The reviews are awesome. I printed them out for later use.
Preds, don't torture me like that... do you have the link? I only got through reading about the first 7 reviews... they were awesome reading. Lots of clever writing there. I almost felt their pain, almost. 
No sugarless gummi bears EVER!!!!
Jules, I responded to your post, but alas, the thread is now gone.
My dad is doing alright. Once again, he isn't having much in the way of side effects from the chemo...which kind of scares me. His last course of chemo was surprisingly easy on him, and it didn't do any good; the cancer spread to his sternum and the cancer in his femur grew larger. I'm afraid they aren't giving him a high enough dose, and he will go back for another PET scan only to find out that he's even worse. Also, there is some concern about an irregular EKG, and they did a more comprehensive list of blood tests this time around. Because I was not at the appointment, there was no one there to ask questions about what the problem could be, because apparently, my parents have their heads in the clouds. So we're all sitting around wondering if his heart is okay now. It is very frustrating.
How is your dad doing? I know you said they have to do another MRI because they didn't scan all of what they needed to scan. (Color me surprised!! 
My mom can't figure out why I ask so many questions, but you can't just assume the doctors will do everything right and sit back and relax, you know?)
Anyway, I hope all is well on your end. 
Jules, I responded to your post, but alas, the thread is now gone.
My dad is doing alright. Once again, he isn't having much in the way of side effects from the chemo...which kind of scares me. His last course of chemo was surprisingly easy on him, and it didn't do any good; the cancer spread to his sternum and the cancer in his femur grew larger. I'm afraid they aren't giving him a high enough dose, and he will go back for another PET scan only to find out that he's even worse. Also, there is some concern about an irregular EKG, and they did a more comprehensive list of blood tests this time around. Because I was not at the appointment, there was no one there to ask questions about what the problem could be, because apparently, my parents have their heads in the clouds. So we're all sitting around wondering if his heart is okay now. It is very frustrating.
How is your dad doing? I know you said they have to do another MRI because they didn't scan all of what they needed to scan. (Color me surprised!!
Anyway, I hope all is well on your end.
Hey Mistri Sorry we got lost in deletion land. I am going to copy that link, I thought it was a very tasteful thread, better than many around here. 
When I am feeling bad about myself, I will read a comment from someone that suffered through the sugarless Gummi torture, and then my life will appear much better. LOL!
I can understand your frustration about your dad's treatment. If they are going to put him through that process, you want it to do some good. It's a horrible thing to say, but if it isn't giving him side effects, it probably isn't strong enough to battle what needs treatment. I'm so sorry. You are such a smart woman, and clearly want the best for your father. You mentioned some conflict with your mother, it seems she is suffering a bit from denial, and you aren't being informed of all your dad's appointments. Is there a way you could have your father make you a primary contact? You really are so brave and strong... both of your parents are suffering in their own way. Your father is facing his mortality and probably trying to be brave for you and your brother and your mother. Your mother is facing losing her partner, and that is a devastating cliff to look over. You are well aware of what is going on, and trying to get your father the best treatment, while dealing with your own process of knowing what will eventually happen. I wish I could give you a big hug... not that you would want a hug from me 
but I just totally feel for you... and I'm sorry that my off the cuff typing might not express my deep thoughts, but I have no idea how long this thread will last. Just keep doing what you are doing... love your dad, let him know every moment you can, be involved and present when you can. Those things mean so much.
I'm in a holding pattern, won't get results from my dad's MRI and bone scan until mid week... makes me angry that he had to go through an MRI a week ago and they messed it up. For some people that is a traumatic procedure, my mom was claustrophobic and hated it, to be in a tube for 45 mins and unable to move. Fortunately for my dad, he doesn't care, he just took a nap. They better not charge his insurance for the screwed up MRI either. We already know it will show a cancerous lesion, it was there before... the question is how bad is it, and how will they treat it at his age and physical condition? I think they are weighing the quality of his life over the pain of the treatment, if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it well... like they could treat him, but he would be in more pain than he is just living with the condition. Gosh it totally suks to watch your parents be sick and feel so helpless. When you are little, your parents seem bullet-proof, totally invincible. Wish I could go back to those days. Anyway, stay strong, know that you aren't alone in your journey. ~ J
Jules, I responded to your post, but alas, the thread is now gone.
My dad is doing alright. Once again, he isn't having much in the way of side effects from the chemo...which kind of scares me. His last course of chemo was surprisingly easy on him, and it didn't do any good; the cancer spread to his sternum and the cancer in his femur grew larger. I'm afraid they aren't giving him a high enough dose, and he will go back for another PET scan only to find out that he's even worse. Also, there is some concern about an irregular EKG, and they did a more comprehensive list of blood tests this time around. Because I was not at the appointment, there was no one there to ask questions about what the problem could be, because apparently, my parents have their heads in the clouds. So we're all sitting around wondering if his heart is okay now. It is very frustrating.
How is your dad doing? I know you said they have to do another MRI because they didn't scan all of what they needed to scan. (Color me surprised!!
Anyway, I hope all is well on your end.
Hey Mistri
I can understand your frustration about your dad's treatment. If they are going to put him through that process, you want it to do some good. It's a horrible thing to say, but if it isn't giving him side effects, it probably isn't strong enough to battle what needs treatment. I'm so sorry. You are such a smart woman, and clearly want the best for your father. You mentioned some conflict with your mother, it seems she is suffering a bit from denial, and you aren't being informed of all your dad's appointments. Is there a way you could have your father make you a primary contact? You really are so brave and strong... both of your parents are suffering in their own way. Your father is facing his mortality and probably trying to be brave for you and your brother and your mother. Your mother is facing losing her partner, and that is a devastating cliff to look over. You are well aware of what is going on, and trying to get your father the best treatment, while dealing with your own process of knowing what will eventually happen. I wish I could give you a big hug... not that you would want a hug from me
I'm in a holding pattern, won't get results from my dad's MRI and bone scan until mid week... makes me angry that he had to go through an MRI a week ago and they messed it up. For some people that is a traumatic procedure, my mom was claustrophobic and hated it, to be in a tube for 45 mins and unable to move. Fortunately for my dad, he doesn't care, he just took a nap. They better not charge his insurance for the screwed up MRI either. We already know it will show a cancerous lesion, it was there before... the question is how bad is it, and how will they treat it at his age and physical condition? I think they are weighing the quality of his life over the pain of the treatment, if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it well... like they could treat him, but he would be in more pain than he is just living with the condition. Gosh it totally suks to watch your parents be sick and feel so helpless. When you are little, your parents seem bullet-proof, totally invincible. Wish I could go back to those days. Anyway, stay strong, know that you aren't alone in your journey. ~ J
Thanks for the hug.
As much as I would like to have legal standing regarding my dad's care, my mom would never allow it. She has to feel like she is in control of things in order to cope. Unfortunately, it's making life hard for the rest of us...but she will never seek help for her problems; to do so would mean relinquishing control, and she will never do that. I'm just trying to spend time with my dad when my mom is sleeping, as she is difficult to be around.
I'm glad to hear that your dad is not bothered by the MRIs. My dad is the same way. I can't imagine getting one myself; I would freak out!!
I know what you mean about seeing our parents' frailty. When I was in high school, I saw my mother lying on the ground with a very bad broken ankle while paramedics were helping her, and it was the first time I truly realized that my parents are not superhuman. The thing is, I trusted them and their advice for years; but I now see how frail they really are, and how mistaken they often are...and I feel like the years they spent making me feel incapable were rooted in mental illness, and their own failings/dysfunction. I wasn't incapable, but they wanted me to believe I was...and I'm not incapable now. So, as sad as it is that I see their frailty, it makes me realize that I am stronger than they taught me to believe I was.
I love them...but it is hard to tell at times how they really feel about me. That has been one of the hardest things to reconcile.
Hmmmm.... try not to scratch too deep below the surface. I am not a parent, so I can only speculate... but based on observations of my own parents... I think it is their job to emotionally bubble-wrap us and try to protect us from all harm. I don't think your parents were trying to make you feel incapable, they just didn't want you to deal with the things that you would be perfectly capable of handling... if that makes sense. I'm tired, and what sounds good in my head doesn't necessarily translate into type that well. Regardless, you are a very strong and capable woman, even though you are suffering heartache through this ordeal. I would say, give your parents some latitude... I am sure both of their heads and hearts are a vortex of emotions (yes Al Roker, I used vortex in a sentence). You need to give yourself a break too. You're a wonderful and loving daughter, you are doing your best, you have researched and been thoughtful, made sacrifices... even if you think some weren't acknowledged, I guarantee you that they were noticed and appreciated. Your parents are going through their own difficult time, just like you are. Just keep being you, showing your love and care. I have no advice regarding your mom's control issues... it would be nice if she could appreciate your concern for your dad and share that with you. I don't have that issue since I am my dad's caretaker, and it would be hard to imagine being kept out of the loop. Just stay strong... seems like stupid simple words, but it is my mantra every day. I wake up and tell myself, no matter what the day brings "just stay strong". Somehow I manage to get through each day.
Think I am going to read some more of those comments so I feel better about my life...
Well Jules...here's a bit of news that, I'm sure, will add to the drama...
My brother is coming to visit next month. He told me during his last visit that he plans on helping my mom clean out the basement, but I don't think she knows it yet. 
I told him that his plan had "bad idea" written all over it. He is like her, in that, when he gets frustrated, he starts to yell. I can only imagine the turmoil that is going to take place over there. I will try to be present to mitigate things, as I think I understand--to a greater degree--her desire to keep things, and her reluctance to throw junk items away. (When I was a teen, I found some nail polishes she had kept that came from my trash can. They were dried up and useless, but she had seen them in the garbage and decided to save them. She's been known to keep bags and bags of old newspapers, thinking she'll "get around" to reading them. She has a problem.)
Anyway, I think the best thing I can do is try to find places that will accept various types of donations and we can put some of that stuff "to use." (My mom is convinced that places like Goodwill throw away a lot of useable items, so she won't donate there. I'm going to have to find new places she hasn't heard of to take stuff to, as she will only donate if she knows things will be put to good use.)
I tried to join my area's freecycle program, but they rejected my request for some reason (thanks, a-holes!!). The thing is, there are MANY items that are barely used or new in that basement, so I guess the people who belong to my area's freecycle program will be missing out on some free goodies. (My parents used to have a second home out-of-state, so--in addition to the junk--there are also a lot of useable items down there.)
Anyway, my mother and I have fought for control over me for years. (Which is sad, because I am 35.) She has my father to control right now, but once he is gone, her control issues will land squarely in my court. I can't handle that. She has been doing this for years and is so dependent on her own need to control everything that she doesn't care how much it bothers/hurts others. I know what is on the horizon, and I guess I will have to prepare myself to not be part of her life, because she is destructive to me, and she will not get any help. My fear is that she will become so angry at my brother that she will cut him and her grandchildren out of her life...then she will focus on controlling me, and I will tell her I've had enough. Then she will wind up like one of these people on "Hoarders." It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck. I wish I could convince her to get help, but I've been trying for years and no approach has worked.
I don't know what to do. She and my father had originally planned to move close to my brother and the grandkids, but if he comes here and she becomes so angry with him that she won't talk to him, here is what will happen: 1) She will spend days in bed, with a migraine or a diverticulitis flare-up 2) She may wind up with a blood clot again from spending so much time in bed 3) She will become more depressed, sleep more, shop more and take her frustrations out on my dad 4) She WILL NOT call my brother and try to work things out. To do so would mean relinquishing control 5) Her focus will become me after my father dies. 6) She will decide not to move, and I will be left as the only person she has any closeness with. 7) I will have to decide whether or not I can tolerate being bullied by her.
She and I get along fine when she treats me as a parent would normally treat his/her adult child (expressing concern, still "nagging" a bit at times, but not excessively, generally seeing him/her as someone they can confide in to some degree and not seeing him/her as a little kid anymore). The problems happen when she starts purchasing items for me and demanding I use them (like greeting cards...she has purchased many, and instructed that I send them to certain recipients. She has also purchased decor items and expected me to use them, even though I don't like them.) She gets ridiculously controlling, then we wind up fighting, then she stays in bed for 3-5 days, then I try to work things out with her, then the cycle begins again the next time she feels the need to dictate what my choices, actions or feelings "should" be. I cannot deal with that for the rest of my life. It is too stressful for me, and it is not my fault she will not get help. I've tried to tell her it's fine to get help, I've shared some of my own experiences with her and things I've learned from counseling, etc...but it makes no difference...and I can't continue to live my life trying to avoid her rage and controlling behaviors.
I'm so frustrated...but there isn't a whole lot I can do, is there? 
Oh dear... I knew you had mentioned previously that your mom has a bit of a problem "collecting" things, but didn't realize the extent of it. She definitely won't be happy with your brother's intervention. That could be a really traumatic event for her if he comes in and starts getting rid of things. Right now, with your dad's health, she probably feels like she is losing things, and having those possessions gives her some amount of control and security. To answer your question, sadly no, there isn't much you can do. I think it is wise of you to be present to mitigate, as you mentioned, and it might make things less stressful for your mom if you can find a place that will accept some of the items. Perhaps it will be easier for her if she thinks her belongings are going to help other families, rather than sitting around unused. I can sort of relate because my dad is a pack rat, it used to drive my mom nuts because she was the type to want things clean and organized, and she would toss out clutter. They were complete opposites in that regard, makes me wonder how they made it work for nearly 62 years. My dad would pick up the random bolt or screw or piece of string because he was sure he would find a need for it some day. Of course, when the day came that he needed that thing, then he couldn't remember where he put it. You know your mom best, and how she will handle this process. Would it be less stressful for her if she didn't witness your brother going through all her belongings, or better if she oversees what he is doing? I would suggest that you take her out for a few hours, perhaps to lunch or shopping while your brother could get some of the work done, but I don't know if your mom would be more upset coming home to find things missing. It really is a tough situation because obviously it's emotionally rooted. Your mother's control issues give her security in her mind, even though it tests your patience. You sure have lots to deal with. I totally understand your desire to be free of her controlling behavior. You are an intelligent and independent woman that can care for herself. I guess the only advice I would have is that you and your brother should have a "game plan" and agree to work it together. Whether your mother is in the home while he goes through her things, or you take her out, you and your brother should conduct this as a united front, it really is like an intervention. Also, you both know your mother really well, and should maybe have a backup plan in case things go haywire. I'm sorry you have to deal with this in addition to your dad's health. Just try to take things one step at a time. It kind of reminds me of that saying... "How do you eat an elephant?" Answer: "One bite at a time." (I am not endorsing eating elephants btw ) Just that, when something seems so overwhelming and towering before you, the only thing you can do is start chipping away at it a little at a time. I keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope your dad is having a good week. Hang in there, they are lucky to have a caring and sensible daughter like you. 
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