Community Chat

[JustJules]

I totally see your dad's point of view. All things in their time. It's tough. I had the worst argument of my life with my dad last night... it came from nowhere. Well, it came from partly the medication and a lot of pent up frustration on his part, which I understand. He called me names he's never used before, told me I have wasted my life, which cut me deep since I basically gave up the life I had to care for him. He actually smacked me, he's never done that. You cannot imagine the restraint it took to not act out at him. Most horrible night ever... this morning I woke up sad and dejected, have a welt on my face where he hit me... wondering why I do what I do. I could walk away, sell everything, put him in a home and be done, but my conscience would haunt me forever. He and I eventually had a talk, made apologies.... but the fact remains, with his condition that might happen again. I love him, he is my dad... but there are times I really don't like him much. I guess my point is, your mom has some frustrating issues, and you need to find a way to work around them, that gives you peace. Life is just tough sometimes. *hugs*

[mistriTsquirrel]

I'm sorry to hear about your argument with your dad. I know what you mean about restraining yourself after your parent strikes you. When I was a teen and my parents were "well," I was willing to strike them in response to their strikes. Now that I am older, and they are clearly unwell, I see things a little differently...but it would still hurt me immensely to have one of them say awful things to me and strike me...so I feel for you.

From what you have written previously, it sounds like the two of you had better times in days past, right?

If he was a pretty good dad before he got sick, I'm guessing his behavior is colored by his illnesses. (My dad wasn't really emotionally "present" while I was growing up--or after--so I have no idea how he really feels about me. I still do not know whether or not his feelings for me could be considered "love.") If your dad was a caring, loving and encouraging guy before he got sick, and his combative behavior is out-of-character, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

And you are right...after all is said and done, you and I have to live with the decisions we have made...and even if our parents made some bad ones, we cannot knowingly make bad or vindictive decisions and feel good about them later, can we?

The only compass we can follow is the one that tells us what we truly--in our hearts--feel is right.

I hope that you and your father can truly heal from the argument you had. Things like that can sometimes stick with us forever, even though the person who hurt us may have been out of his/her mind at the time of the argument. I'm glad you had a talk with your dad.

I've been trying to encourage my mom to have a talk with my dad about something he said to her that was extremely hurtful, and cannot be taken back...but she is reluctant. I don't want her to live her life in pain over what he told her; I want her to confront him while he is still here...we'll see what happens.

I'm sending hugs your way, Jules.

Love,

mistri

[JustJules]

You're sweet Mistri, and thank you. It seems weird since we were "mortal enemies" for so long, yet we share lots in common and you seem to understand. Our paths are similar, even though different. My dad is the best dad ever... he was never abusive or cruel to me, I have always been his babydoll. He only spanked me once in my life, and I deserved it for being a nasty little girl to my mom... and even then, he made sure to explain to me why he was going to spank me and that he loved me...which made it even more humiliating. His Parkinson's and all the meds he is taking are behind his behavior. We have an appointment with his Neurologist next week, and I suspect they will dial up his prescription. He has been having lots of nightmares and talking in his sleep, which he was not doing before. He got angry with me and acted out. I'm a big girl... the welt will heal... the words he said really hurt more, but again, I know that is not my dad's true thoughts. I will heal from it, and with his condition, he won't remember it in a few days. It totally suks to see your parents age and degenerate....

I hope your parents can have that important discussion while time allows. You can only do so much. It would be nice if your mother could get some clarity and maybe an apology, something to give her comfort.

You're a sweet girl.... well, woman, but you are a bit younger than me, so I see you as a girl. Today has been a suky day of reflection for me, and wondering what my future might hold. I try to put on a brave face and carry on, I have no other choice, but it suks when your heart is hurting and there is nobody there to hug you. I appreciate your kindness.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 1/29/2014 Jules5280 said:

You're sweet Mistri, and thank you. It seems weird since we were "mortal enemies" for so long, yet we share lots in common and you seem to understand. Our paths are similar, even though different. My dad is the best dad ever... he was never abusive or cruel to me, I have always been his babydoll. He only spanked me once in my life, and I deserved it for being a nasty little girl to my mom... and even then, he made sure to explain to me why he was going to spank me and that he loved me...which made it even more humiliating. His Parkinson's and all the meds he is taking are behind his behavior. We have an appointment with his Neurologist next week, and I suspect they will dial up his prescription. He has been having lots of nightmares and talking in his sleep, which he was not doing before. He got angry with me and acted out. I'm a big girl... the welt will heal... the words he said really hurt more, but again, I know that is not my dad's true thoughts. I will heal from it, and with his condition, he won't remember it in a few days. It totally suks to see your parents age and degenerate....

I hope your parents can have that important discussion while time allows. You can only do so much. It would be nice if your mother could get some clarity and maybe an apology, something to give her comfort.

You're a sweet girl.... well, woman, but you are a bit younger than me, so I see you as a girl. Today has been a suky day of reflection for me, and wondering what my future might hold. I try to put on a brave face and carry on, I have no other choice, but it suks when your heart is hurting and there is nobody there to hug you. I appreciate your kindness.

I can understand why you have had such a bad day today. Even though it may be easy for others to write off your loved one's behavior as illness, it's more difficult when it happens to you. It's emotionally confusing--and upsetting--to see the person you know/knew acting in ways that are unfamiliar.

Do you have someone to talk to (offline) about this stuff? I found out that I can get more counseling through the county, and I will be starting back up with a counselor who knows me already, but who doesn't know my current situation yet. She is very gifted and takes a very hands-on, constructive approach (even homework assignments and stuff like that ). Her methods are helpful in a way that is real and insightful. I think you could benefit from sitting down with a gifted counselor. I've always believed that the best counselors are those who have a concrete plan and can provide you with concrete suggestions to follow. Vague counselors who listen to your problems and provide little in return are a dime a dozen. I hope you can find a counselor--or perhaps a therapy group--that can offer you support at a time when your feelings are sometimes conflicting and/or overwhelming. My mother stood me up for the grief class we were supposed to attend at hospice, but I'll be going in the future whether she goes or not.

Even though I feel like I'm on an island by myself much of the time, I know that there must be others who feel as I do!! I just have to find them.

I hope you will find people where you are who "get" what you are going through...otherwise, it's a very lonely path to navigate.

If you don't find people in your area...at least there are boards like this one...as long as you don't mind the trolls and such.

As far as the future is concerned...I try to think about my bucket list. I hope you will think about yours too.

I want others to know about my father's type of cancer. If one person avoids his fate, I will have succeeded!!! I also want to help others who find themselves grieving. Serious stuff is what I want to help people with...not what type of dressing they want on their salad...so I know where I aim to go.

You have work experience and smarts. Think about what you yearn to do...and what would fulfill you as a person. I'll bet you can combine your life experience with your desires and put yourself in a position to make what you want to happen happen.

I want to write, but I also want to help grieving people. I will get a second bachelors to earn a place in a practical field, but I will continue writing...for me.

The depression I have struggled with for the past (nearly 30) years has been crippling for me...but my heart is a fresh wound at this point, and I no longer feel the ambivalence and apathy I once did. It is sad that my dad and my friends had to get sick for me to "wake up," but I saw no purpose in my life before their illnesses. Now I know I have to get the word out about esophageal cancer, and I have to comfort those who suffer loss. I now have a purpose...so I am no longer floating in a sea of nothingness.

I'm not a person who believes that things happen for divine reasons, but I believe I am right where I need to be, when I need to be...and that my "failings" and "lack of success" have made it so that I am able to be here when my parents need me to be here.

I will keep on truckin--as you will--and we will, eventually, get to where we need to be to feel personally fulfilled.

I hope you will give a great deal of thought regarding what you plan to do once your life is your own...I learned that anger about the lack of awareness regarding my dad's type of cancer is motivating for me. I hope you can find a niche that will fulfill your needs and the needs of others.

Love,

mistri

[JustJules]

You are a wise young woman Mistri, thanks for your thoughts. I agree with you completely that it is unfortunate it takes an illness or losing someone we love to make us more aware. Before my mom died I just sort of sailed through life with my busy career, and fun times with friends. Shopping, dining, taking it all for granted... then she got sick and died, and things got serious. Even then, while I moved to be with my dad to care for him because I knew he would be lonely and not okay on his own, it still didn't really sink in until he became sick. I love him and would do anything to make him better, and all I am capable of doing is keeping him as well as he can be, and comfortable for what is left of his life. I have no siblings, so once he is gone, I will truly be on my own. I'm an adult woman, have been independent since I left my parents home for college, but it's different to be truly alone. Your suggestion of a counselor is not a bad idea, the last time I saw one was after my divorce. I was so young and blamed myself for the problems my ex had. It was a good experience and if I found the right one, it would probably help me now. I have guilt and anger dealing with my dad's condition. I do have friends I can talk to, and I have a guy in my life, but he doesn't live with me, and his work keeps him away, so there is only so much emotional support he can provide. I actually called and spoke to one of my cousins yesterday, because his wife sent me another "update note" about my aunt (my dad's sister). They are very passive-aggressive, and basically tried to eliminate us from her life. She used to be here in town, then they moved her 100 miles away. She is suffering from Alzheimer's and she is 3 years older than my dad, but at least she always knew him and their visits were good. Now, because of my dad's health, and the distance, it is really hard to travel down there to get them together. Meanwhile, I find out via mail, that my aunt fell, broke her hip and wrist, had hip replacement surgery, and is recovering. Like SERIOUSLY???? This is my dad's sister... in the time it took my cousin's wife to write out that note and put a stamp on it, could she not have called us? Perhaps before my aunt was even having the hip replacement surgery, so we could have visited? Old people die from complications... the anesthesia... to find out about it after the fact by a notecard was such an insult. My dad is her brother, they have always been close and he loves her. Family can be so dysfunctional. I made a point to tell my cousin I don't appreciate the notes, and in the future would like phone calls about my aunt's health. Gave him an update on my dad, so they can understand we are not ignoring my aunt, it's just not easy to get down there since they chose to move her out of town. I knew my cousin moved and they purchased a new home, but while they keep sending these "update" notes, they never gave us their new home phone number, I had to call directory assistance for it. How messed up is that? So, yes, I feel totally isolated on my own little island. I wish I had compassionate family nearby for support, but I don't. The family that cares for me is in England, and they can't help.

I respect you so much that you want to bring awareness to others about esophageal cancer. You will save lives, and that will be your dad's legacy... a beautiful, smart daughter who will help others. I feel the same way about my dad's prostate cancer.... it's such a simple thing if caught early, but when left unattended, it migrates and then the problems begin. Knowledge truly is power, and action is important. Anyway, wanted to thank you for your thoughts and insight and kindness. I am kind of in a blah mood today, trying to sort out the dark thoughts and regain motivation. I think I have neglected taking care of myself for far too long, giving out but not replenishing my soul, and it's finally catching up to me. You have given me lots to think about.

Always my best wishes...

~ Jules

[mistriTsquirrel]

Thanks, Jules.

I'm feeling pretty blah here too...like no amount of sleep will replenish me.

::sigh::

[JustJules]

On 1/29/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

Thanks, Jules.

I'm feeling pretty blah here too...like no amount of sleep will replenish me.

::sigh::

Hey there.... look forward to tomorrow. I had a convo with my dad earlier, told him how much it hurt me for him to call me a waste of life. I mean...a squirt in his pants is a waste of life. Told him my mom would be ashamed of him... he of course is sorry, said it out of anger, but the words still ring in my ears. I'm trying to find a way to keep wanting to care for him, not be angry, and stop wishing I could get away from it all.

I also feel like I could sleep for a month. I'm perma-exhausted. He keeps me up most of the night with his nightmares and talking, I'm usually up by 6am if not before... I get no rest. I'm just f***ing tired and fed up.

Can you tell I'm in a bad mood?

[mistriTsquirrel]

Some things cannot be unsaid or undone.

I think back to my parents arguing, and my dad yelling at my mom, "you know you've never loved her the way you love him." (About me and my brother)

I think about my parents allowing me to lose a quarter of my body weight inside of a few months, and watching me suffer; no one got me the help I needed until I forced them to.

I think about my dad steering the family car into oncoming traffic so that a car coming the other way would hit my mom's side of the car...and not caring about the fact that his kids were in the car.

I think about how, when I told my mom that I didn't want to live anymore, she patted me on the head, told me to take a xanax and lie down...when I told her I was serious, she told me she didn't want to hear it...then when I got help for myself, she flew into a rage, because I had "gone over her head."

I think about walking into the family room and seeing them choking each other.

I remember my mom telling me--when I was in high school--that if she had a gun, she would blow her brains out.

And I remember when my mom left and went to a hotel for a night, my dad said, "if she leaves, you are in big trouble."

Growing up in their house was a complete mindf***.

I went over to my parents' house after work today. My dad and I were sitting in silence. I wanted to ask him how he feels about me, but I knew it would make him uncomfortable. I feel such a responsibility for them, and a couple of my friends don't understand. I was told not to worry about them so much, that they didn't take care of me; why should I take care of them? I was also told, "let them die. Worry about yourself."

It is very difficult to sort through the conflicting feelings I have, when sometimes I'm not even sure if my parents feel love for me. I know that they do not love me as much as I love them; if the circumstances were reversed, I am positive that they would not help me as much as I help them...they've already proven that by their past actions and inaction.

I am, at times, very tempted to run away...

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 1/29/2014 Jules5280 said:

On 1/29/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

Thanks, Jules.

I'm feeling pretty blah here too...like no amount of sleep will replenish me.

::sigh::

Hey there.... look forward to tomorrow. I had a convo with my dad earlier, told him how much it hurt me for him to call me a waste of life. I mean...a squirt in his pants is a waste of life. Told him my mom would be ashamed of him... he of course is sorry, said it out of anger, but the words still ring in my ears. I'm trying to find a way to keep wanting to care for him, not be angry, and stop wishing I could get away from it all.

I also feel like I could sleep for a month. I'm perma-exhausted. He keeps me up most of the night with his nightmares and talking, I'm usually up by 6am if not before... I get no rest. I'm just f***ing tired and fed up.

Can you tell I'm in a bad mood?

Yeah...and I completely understand.

I rarely get sleep, when I do, it isn't restful. My brain will not shut off...even when I'm asleep...but I'll bet you already knew that...as you are probably in the same boat...

[JustJules]

That is heavy stuff and I get it. While I haven't had the experiences you have, there are still complications and frustration. You have to care because it is who you are. Neither of us are going to get any blue ribbon or shiny trophy for loving our parents, in spite of the difficulties. It's just life. Keep being true to yourself. I was emptying my dad's cath bag earlier, and he had the nerve to tell me I looked tired. I just looked at him in total disbelief and then said to him, I wonder why? I mean, he only keeps me up all night, keeps me busy all day, makes me feel like a worthless POS, so even when I might rest, that is on my mind. Wonder why I would look tired.