Community Chat

[YorkieonmyPillow]

OP: every single post I made on this thread has been deleted.

Sorry, I guess I can't help you.

[jessa]

I hope mine don't get deleted..........I'm very scared for any woman & child staying in an abusive home........

[BigOrangeKitty]

So why are Yorkie's posts getting deleted? There's been a lot of good advice given. I feel so badly for you and your baby, especially the baby .... you haven't mentioned how you think your husband will react to this decision. If he's as hot-headed as you've indicated, will you two be safe? Expect him to do whatever it takes to make you suffer for this decision, he'll take away whatever he can, including your child, whether he wants it or not, just so you don't get it. You've already said he's a liar, expect even bigger lies in court. If you think he's nasty now, just wait, it gets worse, so just be prepared. You sound like someone who won't do something like this without thinking it thru and having a plan. It's a hard decision to make. Maybe you two should first try counceling to keep the family intact, atleast then you'll still have your baby all the time? I don't know. I just hope everything works out well for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Good luck.

[missy1]

On 3/19/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

OP: every single post I made on this thread has been deleted.

Sorry, I guess I can't help you.

I think because of the one with your email in it. Sometimes they delete all of your posts on that thread. (I know)

[goodstuff]

A good divorce attorney. Go ASAP, and take your information and all of your questions with you. Do nothing until you have consulted with him/her.

[sbrcal]

I would like to clarify that my husband is not abusive toward me. He is impatient, aggressive and often intolerant with our baby and that is what I worry about. He has hurt the baby in the past when he has gotten frustrated - probably not in a malicious way but more in a frustrated, impulsive, angry, reckless manner. He very likely would never hurt me unless his anger and depression get desperate. He's pulled the manipulative "if you leave I'll kill myself card" recently and I already don't trust him to manage his emotions. We've tried couples therapy. Frankly, our first therapist suggested that I stop attending and that he continue on with her alone because he needs it... He stopped going and lied about where he was. I had to sit outside her closed office in November of 2013, 7 months pregnant, for 2 hours to prove he wasn't going. Just more lies. I agreed to start up again last month as a last ditch attempt and to appease a good friend of mine who told me I owed it to my son to try everything... I found an amazingly astute therapist who basically said the exact same things to my husband that I've been saying for years. It was both validating and eyeopening. I've accepted and been affected by his behavior for too long. I've lowered my standards and, while I should have walked away on my own to save myself, I didn't value myself enough to demand better. My son is a different story. He changes the game. I absolutely won't let him drag our child down with him. I would like to get myself into a little better financial position and I need to find a job with more stability. Once I achieve these I'm consulting an attorney and I'm gone. My husband knows I want a divorce. He wants to keep trying to work things out. There is more to the story on why this relationship doesn't work and has no hope of being fixed. I said i would spare everyone the drama in my first posting because we all have our crosses to bear. I'm really just looking for advice on the best way to prepare and maybe lessons others who have been through this process learned and what they would have done differently.

[sbrcal]

On 3/19/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

OP: every single post I made on this thread has been deleted.

Sorry, I guess I can't help you.

I appreciate you trying :-)

[goodstuff]

If as you say your husband "has hurt your baby" and " can't be trusted to manage his emotions", I'd say you need to get out sooner. I hope you'll see the attorney this week and get yourself separated from this man. If there's any hope of his seeking help and the marriage being saved, sometimes separation gives you the bargaining chip you need to force him to make changes. In any case, it gets you and your baby into a safer, calmer environment while you're making decisions and working things through. But see the attorney FIRST.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Your actions should be determined by how disturbed you think your husband is.

If you think you can manage him without danger, then I would stay with him - PROVIDED he does not harm either you or your child. I will get SLAMMED for that - but the truth is, even if you divorce him to try to protect your son, he will have access to him. And you won't be there.

If you feel you need to get out, I would absolutely go for SUPERVISED visitation. This would likely be very expensive and time-consuming. I have no experience with this so I'm not sure how difficult it would be to obtain. (What I mean is, unless you have supervised visitation, you really aren't making your son any safer than if you stay).

If you feel he is a 100% threat then there is always the option of disappearing with your son and taking it on the lam.

Hope this helps......

[dooBdoo]

sbrcal, My heart hurts for you.

~~~~~~
You’re describing dangerous, manipulative emotional abuse toward you and (it sounds like) actual physical abuse toward your son.

“…chronic liar who has no concept of how to tell the truth. Seriously will lie about anything no matter how small. He is impatient and agressive with our son. He is a dark and unhappy and selfish person who would be happier alone…

…He tends to implode when stress hits do I expect him to be self destructive even if it harms his child. On the other hand he already lashes out at our baby when the baby prefers me to him…

…if the past is any predictor I have cause to be concerned…

…He is impatient, aggressive and often intolerant with our baby and that is what I worry about. He has hurt the baby in the past when he has gotten frustrated - probably not in a malicious way but more in a frustrated, impulsive, angry, reckless manner. He very likely would never hurt me unless his anger and depression get desperate. He's pulled the manipulative "if you leave I'll kill myself card" recently and I already don't trust him to manage his emotions…

…He stopped going and lied about where he was… Just more lies…”

~~~~~~

Some of the things you’re worried about (not paying support, might lose job, etc.) already are potential problems even if you remain in your current situation. I don’t see how staying will make that better.

Try to think of him completely out of the picture (because it could happen at any time, anyway, regardless of circumstances), and how you’d manage. I think you’d realize you can handle it and you can be a strong, positive, sole support for your son.

You say you’re waiting for a better financial position before seeing an attorney… please, consider talking with an attorney and/or qualified professionals at domestic abuse agencies now, before the situation escalates. But do so quietly without your husband’s knowledge.

Statistically, once an abusive partner knows about plans to leave the situation becomes more perilous and that’s when the worst outcomes happen. Get hold of a lifeline with counselors who understand your plight and who can give you specific, concrete steps to take… and who will assist you in taking them.

Generous, caring poster can offer ideas, but truly you need direction from those who can know who you are and who can offer resources in your community, now. There are resources out there for you, and kind, generous, helping hearts and hands. Please, find them and let them help.

And know you are worth it. You and your son are worth it. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this, and I’m praying for you and your son and all those who are at the ready to be your advocates.