Community Chat

[esmeraldagooch]

EM, How do you know she doesn't have something else special to leave to you? I would tell her how much the jewelry means to you.

[chrystaltree]

What's so hurtful about this? She has granddaughters and she wants her jewelry to go to them. You have a boy, your mother is right. Her jewelry will mean nothing to his future wife. Instead of getting all resentful, you should have suggested that your mom think about pu tting something aside as a special remembrance for her grandson. Perhaps she already has. Perhaps it didn't occur to her. Odd how you went right to how much you do for her. And the pettiness you displayed by giving things back to her. That says a lot. Apologize to her and explain that you were just upset because it seemed like she was overlooking your son.

[151949]

I inherited a huge amount of valuable jewelry from my Grandmother via my Mother - my Grandfather was a jewelry designer and he had given my grandma amazing pieces over their 60 year marriage. When my Mom died and I got it all that did not feel right to me so I sat down at a table with my sister in laws and we went through it each picking in turn a piece we wanted. We went through it all that way and all of us got a few clunkers and some pieces we liked and some that were no longer stylish but had a lot of value in the metals and stones. Over the 20+ years since then all of us have kept some pieces as memories, sold some and had some of the beautiful stones reset. Some day each of us will leave our treasures to whomever we care to and it may likely leave our immediate family . Once a person has died what ever happens to their possessions is of no meaning to them anymore so what is the big whoop over were it will be generations down the road.

[pinkskates4]

On 2/8/2014 chrystaltree said:

What's so hurtful about this? She has granddaughters and she wants her jewelry to go to them. You have a boy, your mother is right. Her jewelry will mean nothing to his future wife. Instead of getting all resentful, you should have suggested that your mom think about pu tting something aside as a special remembrance for her grandson. Perhaps she already has. Perhaps it didn't occur to her. Odd how you went right to how much you do for her. And the pettiness you displayed by giving things back to her. That says a lot. Apologize to her and explain that you were just upset because it seemed like she was overlooking your son.

What about the fact that she is overlooking her daughter - the OP? Is the mother expecting both of her daughters to die before she does - and thus has to think about leaving her most special jewelry to her grandchildren?

[elainemasey]

Thank you everyone, I have not given my few pieces back, just feel like it. What she has set aside for my son is a necklace w/ miraculous medal that my dad wore a lot, that I had given him. Her quote was" DS can get that because he has a little religion and my nephew doesn't". I wonder what would have happened if nephew was religious? Don't mean to sound petty but there is a lot of drama/ poor me with my sister. I am and have been Moms primary caregiver ( gladly) and dear sis seems to visit when there could be something in it for her or calls with the woo is me stories and Mom has more than $$$$ helped with and it is never enough. Of course the fact that she is flying off to an all inclusive resort in St Lucia with her girlfriends for her 50 th makes more sense to her than making the car payments on the new car that was being repo'd and Mom paid off... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.... Ok, maybe you are correct and I am being petty and jealous, it just seems she gets and gets and I am on the sidelines saying look at me... I am the one always here for you, doing everything and now again, I feel bypassed. And yes, I have said this to Mom.

[Love my grandkids]

And what was her response?

[occasionalrain]

On 2/9/2014 elainemasey said: Thank you everyone, I have not given my few pieces back, just feel like it. What she has set aside for my son is a necklace w/ miraculous medal that my dad wore a lot, that I had given him. Her quote was" DS can get that because he has a little religion and my nephew doesn't". I wonder what would have happened if nephew was religious? Don't mean to sound petty but there is a lot of drama/ poor me with my sister. I am and have been Moms primary caregiver ( gladly) and dear sis seems to visit when there could be something in it for her or calls with the woo is me stories and Mom has more than $$$$ helped with and it is never enough. Of course the fact that she is flying off to an all inclusive resort in St Lucia with her girlfriends for her 50 th makes more sense to her than making the car payments on the new car that was being repo'd and Mom paid off... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.... Ok, maybe you are correct and I am being petty and jealous, it just seems she gets and gets and I am on the sidelines saying look at me... I am the one always here for you, doing everything and now again, I feel bypassed. And yes, I have said this to Mom.

Why are you allowing your mother to use you? You don't deserve to be treated like hired help and she doesn't deserve your care. She has made it clear that she values your sister and her children while she takes you for granted.

There is nothing petty about expecting your own mother to care about your feelings nor is she unaware of what she's doing to hurt you.

It's past time for you to be unavailable and for your sister to take over doing for her benefactor.

[pinkskates4]

On 2/9/2014 elainemasey said: Thank you everyone, I have not given my few pieces back, just feel like it. What she has set aside for my son is a necklace w/ miraculous medal that my dad wore a lot, that I had given him. Her quote was" DS can get that because he has a little religion and my nephew doesn't". I wonder what would have happened if nephew was religious? Don't mean to sound petty but there is a lot of drama/ poor me with my sister. I am and have been Moms primary caregiver ( gladly) and dear sis seems to visit when there could be something in it for her or calls with the woo is me stories and Mom has more than $$$$ helped with and it is never enough. Of course the fact that she is flying off to an all inclusive resort in St Lucia with her girlfriends for her 50 th makes more sense to her than making the car payments on the new car that was being repo'd and Mom paid off... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.... Ok, maybe you are correct and I am being petty and jealous, it just seems she gets and gets and I am on the sidelines saying look at me... I am the one always here for you, doing everything and now again, I feel bypassed. And yes, I have said this to Mom.

You are not petty and jealous. You mom has set you and your sister against each other. She is more than happy to allow you to do all her care giving - hoping to finally win her attention and love - while withholding it and favoring your sister instead.

You probably can't change her - and telling her how you feel has obviously accomplished nothing.

Stop blaming yourself. Set some boundaries. I'm not saying don't do any more for your mother - just realize that when you do, it won't make her behave any better towards you. And if you find it too hurtful, it is not wrong to pull back and insist your sister take up some of the slack. If she doesn't, let your mother deal with it.

[Financialgrl]

On 2/9/2014 elainemasey said: Thank you everyone, I have not given my few pieces back, just feel like it. What she has set aside for my son is a necklace w/ miraculous medal that my dad wore a lot, that I had given him. Her quote was" DS can get that because he has a little religion and my nephew doesn't". I wonder what would have happened if nephew was religious? Don't mean to sound petty but there is a lot of drama/ poor me with my sister. I am and have been Moms primary caregiver ( gladly) and dear sis seems to visit when there could be something in it for her or calls with the woo is me stories and Mom has more than $$$$ helped with and it is never enough. Of course the fact that she is flying off to an all inclusive resort in St Lucia with her girlfriends for her 50 th makes more sense to her than making the car payments on the new car that was being repo'd and Mom paid off... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.... Ok, maybe you are correct and I am being petty and jealous, it just seems she gets and gets and I am on the sidelines saying look at me... I am the one always here for you, doing everything and now again, I feel bypassed. And yes, I have said this to Mom.

You are not being petty or jealous, your situation is pretty much the norm. There's almost always one child that ends up doing it all. I was very lucky in that I had lots of help from my siblings but we lived near each other and they knew just how lucky they were, because helping me a few days when I needed would be much easier than my threat to drop him off on one of their doorsteps to deal with it (dad had dementia). From that standpoint I was very lucky - someone always stepped up to the plate when I needed help.

Also, once she is gone, it will feel good knowing that you were always there for her. As for your sister, she'll be in a world of hurt once your mother is gone. My father bailed my brother and his wife out of financial trouble more times than I can count and he's since died. I was the executor and when dad died I told all my siblings - "we each are getting a pretty sizable check, but dad has now died, you are all on your own and the ATM of dad is hereby closed". Yet, my SIL let it slip they have gone thru all that money and more and now trying to sell off all this "stuff" they just "had" to have to help pay their bills. Hmmm, guessing the comment "the ATM of dad is hereby closed" didn't sink in.

[Mom2Dogs]

On 2/9/2014 elainemasey said: Thank you everyone, I have not given my few pieces back, just feel like it. What she has set aside for my son is a necklace w/ miraculous medal that my dad wore a lot, that I had given him. Her quote was" DS can get that because he has a little religion and my nephew doesn't". I wonder what would have happened if nephew was religious? Don't mean to sound petty but there is a lot of drama/ poor me with my sister. I am and have been Moms primary caregiver ( gladly) and dear sis seems to visit when there could be something in it for her or calls with the woo is me stories and Mom has more than $$$$ helped with and it is never enough. Of course the fact that she is flying off to an all inclusive resort in St Lucia with her girlfriends for her 50 th makes more sense to her than making the car payments on the new car that was being repo'd and Mom paid off... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.... Ok, maybe you are correct and I am being petty and jealous, it just seems she gets and gets and I am on the sidelines saying look at me... I am the one always here for you, doing everything and now again, I feel bypassed. And yes, I have said this to Mom.

I am sorry this has happened..I'd be very hurt as well.