Community Chat

[I am still oxox]

On 11/12/2014 birddrops said:

What happened to the Russian caregiver? Is your Dad alone now all day? Why is he in a building with no gas? Shouldn't that be fixed? I am assuming his heat is electric?

She is there and that is not enough for my brother. The apt building has gas leaks and the gas has been off for close to 4 weeks and the heat is oil. He is in a 7 story apt building in a large complex, his building and the one next door both have no gas.

[ROMARY]

O/P: You have to think about the way he might treat you, especially later on when you become ill (hopefully not) and/or elderly. He has to get help now. Personally, knowing myself, I would have thrown DH out, and possibly called the authorities, telling them to keep him in jail overnight. But, that's just me. I'm not advising you to do that. But, please think about what I'm saying. If he doesn't get help, you will most likely be in the same situation as your Dad one day, your husband yelling at you (and who knows what), etc.

[ROMARY]

p.s. Do not let your husband visit your Dad unless you or someone else is with him. I would hide your Dad's key if I were you. I'm very serious. Who knows how he will treat your Dad when you aren't there.

[RedTop]

Your post reveals a lot of stress and pressure in your household and with your entire family, which is obviously tearing you apart. Please find someone to talk this over with, who can help you find the solution that works. My mother is 80, no longer drives, and needs my brothers and I to take her to all appointments, shop for groceries, etc. Luckily there are 3 of us, 2 of us are retired, all live close by and all are willing to help Mom, but I often find myself reminding my brothers of something they need to do, or pushing Mom to ask one of the boys for their help. Both of my daughters have had surgery within the last 4 months, and I have a disabled husband. My plate has been very full lately, and I have been straightforward with my brothers as to what I am able to do for Mom, so that they know what they have to do. Maybe you just need to figure out what you can do for your Dad at this point, and let your brother know your boundaries. Wishing you peace, and less stress in the days ahead.

[ID2]

nm

[violann]

Just know that there are some among us who understand, at least partly, what's happening around you. All you can ever do is your best. I wish there were "words of wisdom", but there aren't. Your brother's desire to keep your father in housing without cooking facilities sounds VERY suspect, but you are really the only one who can assess how important that is. It also seems that your brother has some vested interest in preventing your father's circumstances from being addressed in ways most beneficial to your father, but if you are unable to address your brother's control of your father's care, your only option is to adjust your own thinking to "it is what it is". If I were in your situation I would contact your local or county Office (or ombudsman) for Senior Services to determine what constitutes neglect and/or abuse, just to have that information for yourself. I'd also keepa diary of what is happening, and make entries about EVERY issue you observe concernng your father's care. I wouldn't share your notes with anyone but a professional specialist in geriatrics.

[151949]

It sounds like you and your father and the entire family would do better if you tried assisted living for your Dad. He would have his own "apartment" but there is staff to look after him, 3 meals a day , and activities and friends to occupy him. You should look into some of these places.Some even allow the residents to bring their pets with them.

[chrystaltree]

I can only imagine how awful this is for you, I do feel for you. The first thing you MUST do is keep your husband away from your father. He's angry, he's verbally abusive and your father should not be subjected to his abuse. There is absolutely no excuse for it. If he has to drive you to your father's house, insist that he wait in the car or that he drop you off and pick you up. Like or not, your father needs you. I have no words of wisdom for you, just common sense. And it will not be easy for you. You and your brother have to sit down together, with clear heads, away from your husband and make a develop a care plan. You need a schedule and you have to both agree to abide by that schedule. Your father is in his 90's, he's lost your mother. You won't have him with your for long. I don't know what the financial situation is but, if you can, consider hiring someone, preferably an older woman, to come in for a couple of hours every day to take some of the weight off your shoulders. NO gas? What does that mean exactly? If the gas is off for non payment, contact the utility company and your state's office of elder affairs. They might be able to get the gas back on. You can also buy a double hot plate and a microwave and then you can prepare meals for your father at his house. Your husband does not sound like he's decent person but you have to sit down with him and state the obvious. You have to assist your father. Period. It's an imposition but it's on you and your brother. He has no part in this and you will not tolerate anymore abuse to your father. That you sat silent and cried while your husband berated, demeaned and intimidated your 90 year old father.....that makes me cry......for your father.

[I am still oxox]

On 11/13/2014 happy housewife said:

It sounds like you and your father and the entire family would do better if you tried assisted living for your Dad. He would have his own "apartment" but there is staff to look after him, 3 meals a day , and activities and friends to occupy him. You should look into some of these places.Some even allow the residents to bring their pets with them.

Out of the question at this point we do not want to add relocation to his issues but thank you

[I am still oxox]

On 11/13/2014 chrystaltree said:

I can only imagine how awful this is for you, I do feel for you. The first thing you MUST do is keep your husband away from your father. He's angry, he's verbally abusive and your father should not be subjected to his abuse. There is absolutely no excuse for it. If he has to drive you to your father's house, insist that he wait in the car or that he drop you off and pick you up. Like or not, your father needs you. I have no words of wisdom for you, just common sense. And it will not be easy for you. You and your brother have to sit down together, with clear heads, away from your husband and make a develop a care plan. You need a schedule and you have to both agree to abide by that schedule. Your father is in his 90's, he's lost your mother. You won't have him with your for long. I don't know what the financial situation is but, if you can, consider hiring someone, preferably an older woman, to come in for a couple of hours every day to take some of the weight off your shoulders. NO gas? What does that mean exactly? If the gas is off for non payment, contact the utility company and your state's office of elder affairs. They might be able to get the gas back on. You can also buy a double hot plate and a microwave and then you can prepare meals for your father at his house. Your husband does not sound like he's decent person but you have to sit down with him and state the obvious. You have to assist your father. Period. It's an imposition but it's on you and your brother. He has no part in this and you will not tolerate anymore abuse to your father. That you sat silent and cried while your husband berated, demeaned and intimidated your 90 year old father.....that makes me cry......for your father.

No gas means there are various gas leaks in the high rise (7 story) Condo he lives in and it has been shut off by Con Ed for the last 4 weeks, it is surely not for lack of payment. I have contacted the building manager several times and have gotten a run around. I am getting a double hot plate which will allow me to cook, there and not transport the food making it one step easier.

My husband does have a part he is my husband and I can not be put in the middle of the three men in my life. I am fragile and will break very easily these days