Community Chat

[I am still oxox]

My 90-year-old Mom passed away almost 4 weeks ago leaving my almost 92-year-old dad alone, they were married 62 years. He is disabled both physically and mentally, sorry for himself and from a myriad of real or imagined diseases.

My brother and my husband and myself have been swapping nights making him dinner and spending time with him. To add insult to injury there is no gas where my dad lives so I have been cooking for him what little he eats and taking it over there.

My dad called my 4 times before I got there, I was all of 10 minutes late and my husband got furious and tore into him yelling at him and cursing at him and making him feel even worse then is already is. It was not a good night there I spent the 90 minutes I was there crying and hearing all the horrible things my husband did and all the wonderful things my brother does.

I am being pulled between my husband, my father and my brother and I cannot do it any longer I have reached my breaking point. Any words of wisdom before I loss my mind.

[Black Cat Back]

Do you have any support agencies where you live? There might be some associated with hospice or even a care givers support organization you can contact for advice and suggestions.

I was a caregiver for my father. It's so hard. And your dear father is dealing with the loss of your Mom and his fears and the illness he is suffering with.

You are also grieving over your Mom. I can understand how overwhelming this all is for you. Sounds to me like your husband is reacting to the situation and the stress. He needs to back off from yelling at your father. My father started acting strange late in his cancer fight and it turned out the cancer had gone to his brain and made him act out and act like he never did before.

I'm sure you are torn, but your father needs loving and kindness and empathy right now. I remember how my Dad would worry if I didn't get home on time or later on, be late to the hospice. He was scared that he was forgotten and scared about being alone.

I don't know your family, but your husband may need to refrain from caregiving with that temper and attitude. Your father will turn inward if he feels abused and misunderstood. I wish my 87 year old father was here and I could make dinner for him and sit with him.

It's a tough time and exhausting for you, but in the end, you will cherish these days with him and the time you took to love him and care for him will give strength to you when he is gone.

Take care of you and seek out organizations locally that can help. How about a church or other religious organization. People can and will help you. Don't be afraid to reach out like you did here.

Bless you and know that you are not alone.

[heartkeeper]

Your husband became furious and started cussing out your father who is grieving the loss of his wife of 62 years? Really?

Your husband could most certainly have dealt with his aggravation in a much better manner. I understand there is stress with taking care of your father, but really, your husband is more at fault than your father is. Your husband should be made aware that he should be a little more understanding and sensitive.

It's possible that your father needs more care than you can give him and it's time to consider an assisted living facility or other type of home.

But whatever you do, this must be taken care of with care, understanding, compassion, and sensitivity.

[Black Cat Back]

This is a wonderful website if you have time. It has so many good resources.

http://caregiver.com/index.htm

[Pickwickpapers]

We have a similar situation with our 85 year old Dad. My recommendation is to call the social worker and see if he is eligible for assisted living or care givers to come to his house with meals and basic care. We tried to see after our Dad but we only had a small family like you and it's just wasn't possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

[I am still oxox]

On 11/12/2014 Pickwickpapers said: We have a similar situation with our 85 year old Dad. My recommendation is to call the social worker and see if he is eligible for assisted living or care givers to come to his house with meals and basic care. We tried to see after our Dad but we only had a small family like you and it's just wasn't possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

My brother is totally against removing him from his home he wants to keep him there and torture himself and us. He has a full time caregiver but this is not enough for my brother.

[Black Cat Back]

On 11/12/2014 I am still oxox said:

On 11/12/2014 Pickwickpapers said: We have a similar situation with our 85 year old Dad. My recommendation is to call the social worker and see if he is eligible for assisted living or care givers to come to his house with meals and basic care. We tried to see after our Dad but we only had a small family like you and it's just wasn't possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

My brother is totally against removing him from his home he wants to keep him there and torture himself and us. He has a full time caregiver but this is not enough for my brother.

You may have to step in and get a 2nd opinion. I was my Dad's sole caregiver. My siblings never came in to help. Can you talk to the caregiver and find out what he or she thinks about your father's health and what would be better for him? Maybe your father has pleaded with your brother not to make him leave. That happens. Remember, no matter how hard all of this is.... your Dad's care and safety are the most important.

Does he have 24 hour caregiver supervision?

[ROMARY]

Your husband need to see someone very soon. Uncontrollable anger toward an elderly person is a no-no. IMO, his mental problems are far worse than your Dad's. Please get him some counseling. At the very least, your husband should cheerfully apologize to your Dad, perhaps bring him some flowers or something that your Dad would appreciate. It will benefit all concerned, and also help you to forget what your husband said and did to your Dad later on in your life. Believe me, situations/incidents similar to yours will eventually haunt you later on if your husband doesn't make peace with your Dad right now.

[ROMARY]

p.s. With the extreme anger your DH has, wait and see what he (DH) will be like at your Dad's age............Doesn't look too good. That's why he needs anger management/care-giving therapy/classes/whatever right now.

[I am still oxox]

On 11/12/2014 ROMARY said:

Your husband need to see someone very soon. Uncontrollable anger toward an elderly person is a no-no. IMO, his mental problems are far worse than your Dad's. Please get him some counseling. At the very least, your husband should cheerfully apologize to your Dad, perhaps bring him some flowers or something that your Dad would appreciate. It will benefit all concerned, and also help you to forget what your husband said and did to your Dad later on in your life. Believe me, situations/incidents similar to yours will eventually haunt you later on if your husband doesn't make peace with your Dad right now.

He does not deal with difficult situations very well and this behavior on his part tonight was horrible and I have sat here crying all night.