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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,860
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

[ Edited ]

@hckynutjohn wrote:

@IamMrsG wrote:



She might indeed be lonely or unhappy.  Either way, I'd never advise someone to lie.    

 

 

I didn't hear or read anyone say they were lying. Myself?  I just say what I mean and it is the truth.


 


Someone suggested that she say she suffers from chronic migraines and has to lie down. 

 

I wouldn't advise anyone to lie either.  Rushing off is okay, IMO, and so is implying that there's somewhere else you need to be.   But completely making up something like that isn't something that I would do.  I don't think it's necessary.  

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,306
Registered: ‎10-15-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

[ Edited ]

@IamMrsG wrote:

NycVixen wrote, in part: "I would tell her that I've been suffering from chronic migraines or headaches for the last few days and that you have to lie down. Each time I saw her I would stick to the story that I was not feeling well and be on my way...."

She might indeed be lonely or unhappy.  Either way, I'd never advise someone to lie.    


I see your point but your advice to keep telling the person that you are busy and must run I find to be insensitive. My whole angle is not to make the person feel worse when they are already lonely, stressed and have no one to talk to. I'm sure every time the OP tells her she has to run is not completely honest either. I find telling someone that wants to talk to me that I am always busy harsh.

~Live with Intention~
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,153
Registered: ‎05-22-2012

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

I have someone like that at work. He doesn't complain about his life, but he always needs me to tell him how to do things and never refers back to the training documentation which has the answers he's looking for. He needs validation and hand-holding for everything. Whenever he contacts me, I say, "I have 5 minutes and then I need to go." I answer what I can, tell him (again) where to find the information, and let him know that if he needs more help, he needs to set up a meeting with me.

 

He never sets up a meeting with me because he magically finds the answers on his own after I tell him I'm busy.

 

Tell this person you're busy and need to be elsewhere or doing something else. Don't apologize; you're not sorry. Don't tell her you wish you could stay longer, because you don't. You are breaking up with her and can't give her the hope that you will get back together with her later. Just leave, even if she's in the middle of a sentence, say your 5 minutes are up and you need to be on your way. Hopefully it won't come to that, but don't worry if it does. If that seems rude, so be it - SHE's being rude to you when she makes demands on your time. Frankly, I learned long ago that there are worse things than having someone I don't know well think I'm rude. Give her more than 5 minutes if you want, but stick to your time and get out. She's been controlling the situation and it's time you take back the control of your time.

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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,774
Registered: ‎08-29-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

[ Edited ]

@NycVixen wrote:

@IamMrsG wrote:

NycVixen wrote, in part: "I would tell her that I've been suffering from chronic migraines or headaches for the last few days and that you have to lie down. Each time I saw her I would stick to the story that I was not feeling well and be on my way...."

She might indeed be lonely or unhappy.  Either way, I'd never advise someone to lie.    


I see your point but your advice to keep telling the person that you are busy and must run I find to be insensitive. My whole angle is not to make the person feel worse when they are already lonely, stressed and have no one to talk to. I'm sure every time the OP tells her she has to run is not completely honest either. I find telling someone that wants to talk to me that I am always busy harsh.   --"Live with intention"

 

 


 How can you "Live with intention" when you feel it's right to tell 'white lies' to get through life?  Uh-uh.  To me, lying to someone is harsh. 

 

Edited to fix confusing quotes.

Strive for respect instead of attention. It lasts longer.
Regular Contributor
Posts: 210
Registered: ‎03-29-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

What is wrong with speaking up and speaking truthfully using some tact....you have gotten a lot of advice but just say....hey, so sorry to hear but that is way too much negativity for a long conversation, but i hope u find someone that can help you get thru it.

 

I had a man all of a sudden show up next to where i was working out at the gym.  He engaged me in conversation and i thought nothing of it.  Then, i noticed he started making it a habit.  He was a married man and i realized he had no reason to approach only me.  The final straw was when he followed me into a distant part of the gym.  I finished my workout and left.  The next day he approached me and i put up my hand to stop him, shook my finger no, and moved on without a word.  He never spoke to me again!  It doesnt pay to be nice and say hello at all.  

Super Contributor
Posts: 362
Registered: ‎06-06-2015

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

@Vickiv

Talk to her, and let her know you really don't know what to say about all this, I found these resources that might help you, give her an index card or paper with resources like a church or other organizations in her area that would talk with her,

just hand her the information and politely tell her I can not help you unless you help your self.

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,306
Registered: ‎10-15-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

[ Edited ]

@IamMrsG wrote:

@NycVixen wrote:

@IamMrsG wrote:

NycVixen wrote, in part: "I would tell her that I've been suffering from chronic migraines or headaches for the last few days and that you have to lie down. Each time I saw her I would stick to the story that I was not feeling well and be on my way...."

She might indeed be lonely or unhappy.  Either way, I'd never advise someone to lie.    


I see your point but your advice to keep telling the person that you are busy and must run I find to be insensitive. My whole angle is not to make the person feel worse when they are already lonely, stressed and have no one to talk to. I'm sure every time the OP tells her she has to run is not completely honest either. I find telling someone that wants to talk to me that I am always busy harsh.   --"Live with intention"

 

 


 How can you "Live with intention" when you feel it's right to tell 'white lies' to get through life?  Uh-uh.  To me, lying to someone is harsh. 

 

Edited to fix confusing quotes.


IamMrsG - LOL.... This is NOT this serious really OMG. Seriously, no need to use my quote against me, this is not a court of law by any means. You advised the OP to always say she is busy and has to run. No absolute is always true so that is a lie too.

 

I opt not to get through life being mean to anyone for the sake of if I can avoid it because we never know what the future holds for us. I don't have the heart to tell this poor lady who seems to live where the OP does that she will see on a regular basis that I have to run and have to go. I have a neighbor now on my floor who had the habit of knocking my door to talk about issues and ask me for money. I stopped answering the door and the next few times she did it I told her I didn't feel well that is why I could not answer the door. Guess what. She stopped doing it and I didn't have to hurt her feelings.

 

The first time she asked me for $7 I gave her a $20 and never again had to deal with it. I don't need neighbors as enemies or to hurt people because my life is much better right now and it's such a pain to hear her problems. I'd be glad it wasn't me, say a prayer for her, give her a hug and tell her I need to go for x reason but not because I was busy. Who knows maybe one day I'm that lonely old lady and I just hope someone has kindness to show me. One day we are up the next we are down. Empathy and kindness are free and should be the option in my opinion.

~Live with Intention~
Valued Contributor
Posts: 767
Registered: ‎07-12-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!

[ Edited ]

deleted by poster

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,614
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: I have a question and need advice please!


@Vickiv wrote:

i have a lady that I know and run into quite often. When I see her she will say how are you? That's it then it starts. After 30 minutes or more without a break she tells  me all her problems. Her son,boyfriend,sister and anyone else that has done her wrong. Always something broke down, identify theft but her boyfriend used her credit cards. I don't know what to say or do. I barely can get away from her.  What would you do? 


Vicki, you probably are a very nice person who is one of the rare folks who will listen to her. The problem is that some people will take advantage of your generous spirit. Clearly, this woman likes "dumping" her problems on you and it needs to stop. You need to assert yourself and establish some new boundaries. Only then will you be able to have some peace regarding this woman.

 

Next time, she appears to dump on you. Excuse yourself within the first five minutes. You can listen for a brief moment if you have time but if you don't, there is absolutely nothing wrong with stating that you need to leave and have some things to attend to.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,522
Registered: ‎11-20-2013

Re: I have a question and need advice please!


@surfk wrote:

I had a neighbor like that once. He seemed to have me on some sort of tracking device since every time (and I mean EVERY time) I would step outside to where he could see me, his garage doors would go up or his gate would open..and he'd be there. Or I'd go out to get the mail and he'd be suddenly standing there as I turned around to go back up to the house.

 

Every time I went out to the front of the house, he'd show up out of nowhere...like a miraculous vision.

 

I got to feeling like I had to look both ways before exiting the house and then do a military zig-zag pattern back to the house in order to avoid him.

 

He was an older man and just seemed to llooooooove to talk to me. He obviously needed to talk to someone...and for some reason I was selected to be that someone.

 

I tell ya, it never pays to be nice. I think I opened Pandora's Box with him when I first moved in and said "hello". After that, I was his "best friend".

 

It put me in a horrible position because I didnt want to be rude and I could see he obviously needed the human contact.

 

But it got to be utterly annoying. I had to do the beeline to and beeline back from the mail box. I dreaded watering the front yard.

 

I thought I sent enough signals that I didn't have the time to talk every time I walked outside. I mean, can no one read tone of voice or body language anymore??

 

So I admit I had to turn to the cheap but effective ploy of always having my cell phone on me. I'd just fake a call if he made one of his sudden appearances. I'd be deeeeep in conversation. Or I'd be talking and just get away with smiling & waving at him.

 

It was all an act. But an act which needed to be staged. After a few encounters, he stopped popping up like at a mole at every turn.

 

Hey, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.

 

I could have told him the truth and said he bugged me and I wasn't interested in talking to him every time I was outside. But I didn't think that would be neighborly at all. I didn't want to hurt or embarrass the poor man. And one does have to live next door to some people.

 

So my attitude is that as they create the situation, one has to do what one has to do to get out of that situation (not of one's own creation).


I had a neighbor exactly like this ... the tracking part. He didn't want to talk though, he just wanted to sit in a chair and watch me ... no matter what I was doing. My children found it odd, and would ask me why he behaved that way. I had no control over it. So neighbors are like family ... you can't pick them. However, it's perfectly acceptable imo, to completely ignore most of them. they'll get the message. You can't exactly do this to family. You may earn an undeserved reputation for being cold or stand off ish or even worse, but it's worth it to me to be able to go outside and be "alone' to enjoy a solitary and peaceful time in your "castle's courtyard".