Community Chat

[Calcgirl]

On 7/8/2014 reese2 said:

On 7/7/2014 calcgirl said:

Hello Everyone,

My son is a pilot with a major airline and he has recently married a very nice lady. Yesterday he told me he gave my flight benefits to his father-in-law because he flies often and since I became a widow 3 years ago I haven't flown anywhere (true).

I don't know why this hurt me; I haven't traveled since my sweetheart passed away and his father-in-law will get better use of it. I am not a selfish person at all which makes me feel guilty that this hurt me, but it did. Why????? I never shared my feelings with them yesterday and never would, but I thought I was going to cry ( silly, right). Thankfully, the subject changed and they never noticed I was hurt.

I guess I just needed to share this with someone, so here I am.

Have a nice day

No, not silly at all. First, you've already suffered a huge loss that I can only imagine you still feel everyday, and I do think your son reminding you that you haven't flown anywhere since only made it hurt more.

Second, it feels a bit disrespectful to me that he did it without asking you first. You might very well have said it was the more logical thing to do, but it should have been your decision.

Third, even though your flight benefits hadn't been used in a while, they were something that connected you to your son. Having them taken away like that with no discussion had to have felt like a little of a loss, too.

I wish you peace, calcgirl. Your feelings are never silly, they matter.

Oh Reese, I wish I could send you a hug for your kind words. I think you and another lady on here hit it on the nail: #1. The connection between us ( I used to do touch and goes with him and his first cross country flight as well as we paid for his flight school since he started at age 15). #2. Since my husband and his dad died, I feel he is pulling away. They moved closer to her parents and spend a lot of time with them, maybe it is the 3 is a crowd? I do get a long very well with my new DIL and know she loves her parents and takes very good care of them. I also care for her mom and dad and really do not resent that they are getting the benefit of the flight benefits. For me to gain them back at a later date would be very complicated. My DIL said my son could get me a "pass", which is at the bottom of the waitlist; so my son said no, we would take care of the cost and she said no, a pass would do. I quickly changed the subject, and when I travel I will take care of the cost myself since I would not want her to resent me.

[Calcgirl]

On 7/8/2014 ury said:

Virtual hug and I'd take you out for a cappuccino if I could. I'm sorry for your pain and your loss. You've been through changes. Your honestly shows you've given this a lot of thought. I do think you are right not to share your feelings with your son. He's being practical. No wrong intentions here. No sense of introducing guilt to the situation. This may sound odd, but something I learned over the past 20 years is what to care about and what not to care about. You save a lot of emotional turmoil this way. Sometimes we have to protect our inner child by being practical. Blessings

[pitdakota]

Awww, calcgirl I can understand you being hurt. I agree with reese2. This is a difficult time for you and then to have your son move further away is bound to be hard. I think it is clear you don't resent his in-laws and you aren't bitter. Just hurt. And understandably so. ((((calcgirl))))

[ROMARY]

Sometimes a son has to do what his wife wants........a move closer to her parents, etc., etc. I do understand your feelings, though, and hopefully you will feel a lot better in time. For now, though, I wouldn't worry about the flight passes, as you probably don't have any plans to immediately travel. In time, when you decide to travel, you might ask your son if he has an extra flight pass, etc. I'm confident something could be arranged at that time. There are always exceptions to the rules. Anyway, I'd be fairly happy that those flight passes are being put to good use. Better than losing all of those extra flight pass travel benefits that your son has worked very hard (for). It isn't easy being a pilot now-a-days. Lots of stress, etc. involved.

[violann]

Non-confrontational statement "Honey, If you need to make changes that involve something that's happened in the past, could you do me a favor and run them by me before you tell me that you've made the change? I've been trying to work through all the stuff surrounding my husband's loss, and it's a little tough right now for me to deal with change".

[reese2]

{{{{{calcgirl}}}}} Thank you for your kind words. You sound like a very kind, fair and loving person.

[bells4me]

Don't they expire if you don't use them? I wouldn't be hurt, sometimes men don't think with their heads .

[occasionalrain]

On 7/9/2014 violann said: Non-confrontational statement "Honey, If you need to make changes that involve something that's happened in the past, could you do me a favor and run them by me before you tell me that you've made the change? I've been trying to work through all the stuff surrounding my husband's loss, and it's a little tough right now for me to deal with change".

I dislike weedily, mealy talk; a person should just say it like it is.

When you gave me and your father the passes I didn't realize they were just a loan so when you took them away and gave them to your FIL, I felt hurt. I wouldn't have minded if you has asked me first, had discussed it with me prior to taking them away.

[violann]

On 7/9/2014 occasional rain said:

On 7/9/2014 violann said: Non-confrontational statement "Honey, If you need to make changes that involve something that's happened in the past, could you do me a favor and run them by me before you tell me that you've made the change? I've been trying to work through all the stuff surrounding my husband's loss, and it's a little tough right now for me to deal with change".

I dislike weedily, mealy talk; a person should just say it like it is.

When you gave me and your father the passes I didn't realize they were just a loan so when you took them away and gave them to your FIL, I felt hurt. I wouldn't have minded if you has asked me first, had discussed it with me prior to taking them away.

I dislike poorly phrased, grammatically incorrect statements myself but that's neither here nor there. Feel free to relate to people as you wish and I will do the same. I also believe that as a rule, most people respond best if spoken to in a manner that invites civil reciprocity. I realize that that is not your preferred style. Different strokes, as they say.

[Lindsays Grandma]

I fully understand your hurt feelings, I would have felt the same way. I think it was wrong for your son to do that, he should have discussed it with you first, after all, they were yours to do with as you saw fit. ((((hugs))))