Community Chat

[Justina rae]

On 3/5/2015 qvc chick said:

It's easy for everyone else to say, but for whatever reason, it is still hard for me. Thirty years was a long time. He also has many good qualities.

Of course it's hard but it's up to YOU to take the necessary steps. Starting with cutting out all social contact with him. That is your responsibility. Until you start with that I'm afraid you will never recover.

We all must do things we would rather not do and that we find most difficult to do. It is a challenge that each of us has to overcome if we wish to move on.

[nlwilliams]

Get under someone else!

[SuiGeneris]

I honestly think she wanted everyone to tell her that her feelings were normal; that "missing her kitchen" was a natural response to knowing someone else was in there cooking on it.

I think she thought that most people had these feelings and that she expected us to tell that she was having the typical response that everyone has when they see their ex-husband dating someone new.

She should take in this feedback and realize that she needs to work on her feelings/emotions and her skewed outlook, but she probably won't, since she just wanted someone to pat her on the back and say, "It's alright. There, there."

That didn't happen and her only responses have been:

Boy, some of the posters here are brutal !! What happened to kindness??? I know I am my own worst enemy- and it is certainly easier to still hang out with him, because we are very comfortable with each other.

and . . .

It's easy for everyone else to say, but for whatever reason, it is still hard for me. Thirty years was a long time. He also has many good qualities.

I think she is in a codependent relationship with her ex-husband and doesn't realize it. Here are some of the symptoms:

Watch out for these signs that you might be in a codependent relationship:

• Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
• Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with him or her in spite of them?
• Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?

Food for thought, if you are still reading this thread, qvc chick.

[LeaLeander]

Reminds me of a quip I read in a book somewhere; the character mentioned the title of a song called "I still miss my man .... but my aim is getting better!"

LOL.

OP, everyone is right. You won't find someone new till you stop using your ex-husband as your boyfriend. It's not dignified. I can understand how you slipped into this rut but really -- think about it. He got to ditch the legal ties that made him wrong for cheating and now gets to sow his wild oats with good old wifey-poo waiting patiently five blocks away. That is so wrong.

Stop spending time with him and tell your children you are not interested in their father's personal life. Use your travel perks to stay on the move as much as possible (many of us would kill to be able to travel at will with or without a companion!) and you will get used to being without him and probably find yourself very relieved when it's over.

[Sunnyfield]

Nothing wrong with on-line dating qvc chick - many of my friends have met and dated perfectly nice people after meeting on-line - my stepson and his wife met on-line....just use common sense...

[Irshgrl31201]

On 3/6/2015 adoreqvc said:

On 3/6/2015 Deb1010again said:

On 3/5/2015 adoreqvc said:

You really need to like yourself and love yourself before you can fully like and love others.

"You also really need to heal".<br />

At this point it seems from what you wrote that you really already know that you need to stop communicating with you ex so much and just communicate with your adult children instead if they need something.

Just have communications with your ex only when you really need to, and do not use him as a comfort crutch or allow him to keep doing the same to you.

It is so sad and so very unfortunate but the truth is that 27 years of marriage seems to mean more to you than to him now, so you must realize you need pro counseling if you cannot see that you really need to let go to move on to the next level.

The next level is to understand that you need to let go now and love yourself.

You need to be #1 in someone's life and you deserve that love and respect from another man, and not still be standing on the outside........ looking in....<br />

"You both need to completely let go of each other, so each one can build a life for themselves once again".

It does not matter how long the marriage was....what does matter is a divorce was granted.

*****************************************************************<br />

You typed " But he still calls me during the week (almost every day) and we still might go shopping or out to dinner. On weekends I never hear from him, because she is with him".

*************************************************************************

He found someone else and now wants to still keep you on the side doing things together during the week, while he spends his weekend with his girlfriend????

There is definitely something wrong with that scenario. This is unfair to the both of you.......and unfair to his girl friend too.

He calls you almost every day during the week because YOU ALLOW IT.

You spend time with him shopping or going out to dinner BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.<br />

Truth be told it seems as though he gets it all and has his male ego stroked over and over again.

That is not so nice when both women are now involved with one man on different levels, and neither are having an honesty relationship since he is now in control and gets whatever he wants from the both of you......now it seems he gets you during the week, and his girlfriend on the weekends.

How very convenient FOR HIM!<br />

Divorce usually means respecting each other, but it also means releasing each other and letting go and moving forward.

It is time and so long overdue for you to finally let go of him completely, and look to your own future with someone else.<br />

Sure converse with him if it pertains to problems which involve the both of you directly if there really is no alternative, but that must be where you both need to draw the line.

The only way for you to actually desire to get a wonderful life again and be loved, and share love and your life with another man, is to meet a man who deserves, and will respect and love you.

When you finally do let go completely your feelings of envy and jealousy against your ex husband's current girlfriend, and their relationship will not mean a thing to you.

Once you have had some time with yourself and time to heal properly then you will allow yourself to date and meet other men, and eventually also find your own new love.

A man to occupy your time, thoughts, loneliness, and make you feel happy to be alive, loved, cherished and needed........only then you will have come full circle and have healed enough to openly accept your future destiny with another person.

Remember Father Time halts for no one.

You must allow yourself to fully heal and then use the time to find a new love before you find yourself old and totally alone, without a man of your own to lean on and be loved by.<br />

"Your ex husband found a lady friend, now it is the time for you to find your own destiny and your own man, and no longer enable the constant needs of remaining in touch, going shopping, and having dinner with him, because you are both using each other as a crutch, and he is using you to satisfy his male ego, which is extremely obvious to see.<br />

He has his girlfriend, so do you ever wonder where you really fit in, especially in the scenario you yourself outlined?

I would never allow this to happen to me, but if I did I would not be able to help but feel like the other woman looking in.<br />

It seems as though you already know the answers but need validation to allow yourself to let your ex husband go once and for all, and get on with your own life.

You can only decide what you truly deserve, and it is not standing on the outside looking in. It is healing and then living life to the fullest.<br />

I know it is very hard to let go, as I lost a wonderful husband of 45 years who died violently and unexpectedly, and we never had the chance to say I love you and goodbye for now.... feeling guilty and holding on to that love and those memories really stopped me from meeting another wonderful man.

It took quite a while but when I began to travel solo abroad, I finally opened my heart to new adventures...... and low and behold I met my current husband who is kind, loving, understanding and compassionate, and yes I consider myself so very blessed.......but I had to let go of the memories of my 45 year marriage to my wonderful deceased husband, before I could allow myself to live and feel love again.

I will always hold a very special place in my heart for my deceased husband because he was everything I cold ever hope for in a man, but I also know my life was still worth living and I had to go on.....so I finally did, and then I met my wonderful current husband overseas while traveling abroad.<br />

You also need to let your ex husband go and realize your relationship with him is ended just as your divorce papers state.<br />

It is so misleading and extremely unhealthy especially for you to continue on your current course, because as you also very well know it is now YOU feeling jealousy, and YOU are the one standing on the outside looking in.<br />

I wish you the best of luck finding another love to call your own.

A man who will respect, cherish, love you, and feel extremely blessed to have you in his life to share everything together....... just as mine does now.

<br />

<br />

Beautiful thoughtful post and I love your story. You are so kind to share it and give such heartfelt advice.

Thanks so much for your kind reply deb1010again,

I share because I feel my outcome was wonderful, and also learned a lot about my inner self on my life journey's. I have had it all. Extreme happiness, extreme pain, and extreme grief and sorrow, only to be blessed once again with extreme understanding, acceptance and finally a new love....my current husband.

Talk about letting go and moving forward.......I lost my husband of 45 years and exactly 2 weeks later my beloved Mom died unexpectedly......again no closure for me.

Now I am an adult orphan with no immediate family left, and I came from a very large loving immediate family.

Talk about experiencing immense pain and letting go.....I can write an encyclopedia on those subjects, but I believe God has a silver lining in many cases, and I feel he blessed me with mine at the time I needed another love in my life, after losing everything and everyone I loved so very dearly.

Now I pray that QVC chick has the same wonderful outcome.

"She does not know it now, but she is a kind gentle soul, who deserves the very best, and I hope she gets a second chance after she completely heals and then finds a new love".

I hope everyone has a lovely day, and I hope we all cyber chat again on our wonderful QVC bb's, and continue to try and help others.

Adoreqvc, this is an EXCELLENT post and I sincerely hope that if the OP reads no other post she read this one!!

Please OP, realize that you are a very special person and that you deserve SO much more than your husband gave you or is giving you. I do not mean to sound mean or hurt your feelings AT ALL but your ex husband ONLY spends time with you when his current girlfriend can't spend time with him. When she is around on the weekends he is not there for you at all. I know this hurts you and your are comfortable around him because he is familiar, you NEED to give another person a chance to feel familiar to you. YOU DESERVE a person who wants to be there for you. Nothing worth while is EVER easy. Please remember this.