Community Chat

[JustJules]

On 12/19/2014 Madisson said:

Delicate issue here. I'm the caregiver for my 90 year old mother, who is very demanding and controlling. When we built our house, we built a little efficiency apartment in it just for her. She has a small kitchen in it, but she usually takes her meals with us. She is very spry for 90 years old.

I have two sisters who give me absolutely no support. I don't mean financially. My mother is very secure financially. My sisters never call to ask how things are going with Mom. When I call them and start talking about my mother, all of a sudden they have to go.

My mother wants to live with us, not with my sisters. I love my mother, but she can be extremely difficult...as well as extremely self-centered. I'm sure she calls my sisters and whines about us. We take her wherever she wants to go and provide her with everything she needs. She will whine when we are having guests to dinner. She will whine about what lights to leave on for security at night. She whines about what radio station we have on. She will whine about what we are serving for dinner...or the way I set the table. She whines about everything. She refuses to travel alone, so we can't put her on a plane and send her on vacation to my sisters.

One of my sisters and her husband are coming to spend the holidays with us. I'd like to go out to lunch with just my sister and bring up the issue of Mom and how I need some moral support. Yet, I don't want to start a battle. How would you approach this subject politely (not in an aggressive manner)?

First of all, it is very admirable that you are taking care of your mother. It's a very stressful and difficult thing no matter how much you love your parent. I know because I was the sole caretaker for my father. It's unfortunate that your sisters aren't participating in you mother's care, people have very different reactions when they see their parent age and need assistance. Whatever their reason for not helping you, you don't just need some moral support, you need a break. It sounds like you are irritated and overwhelmed, and could use some extra help. I didn't have the ability to get outside help because it wasn't financially feasible for us. It's fortunate that your mother is financially secure, and perhaps you could get a part time care nurse for several hours each day, or even for just a few days of the week. Anything to give you a little distance and time for yourself. I'm sure your mother doesn't mean to "whine", but at that age they think they should have things a certain way. My dad was almost 89 before he passed and he became quite opinionated with me, when he had always been mild mannered. As for discussing this situation with your sister, I am sure she is aware and has just avoided the topic with you. You have every right to express your feelings and concerns to her, and you can do it without a battle. I would just honestly express how you feel, and that it's her mother too, yet you are being left alone at one of the most challenging times. I don't have siblings, so I don't know the dynamic between you and your sister, but if she is reasonable she should listen to you and hopefully she can share with you her reasons for not participating in your mother's care. You have my deepest empathy, it is a tough thing to handle. Just remember that you need to also take care of yourself, take a break and time for yourself. Hopefully you can find a way to do that. Best wishes.

[Marienkaefer2]

This has been mentioned, but I'll ask again: does she get out, have friends? My grandparents were very active in their local senior center.

[Free2be]

I'm not so sure that a 90 y/o spry person can't help being who she is. I've witnessed elderly people have attitude changes when they've been receptive to counseling. I've known them to be very grateful and thankful that there was someone to help them deal with their emotions and no little grief over the losses of independence they experience.

[circles]

if you have been kow-towing to your moms whines since she has lived with you ....its time to stop.....remember the elderly....like our children are the same....they will push to see what they can get away with....and the more you give in to them....the more they push....

its your home and should be your rules....unless she is giving you money every month for her staying with you....

I don't know how long she has been with you....but her demands or whines....has to be difficult not only on you...but your dh and children...

forget your siblings....if they were ever going to help it would have been long ago....

[Shorty2U]

I would just tell your sister like you just told us. All she can do is say no shes not helping and that's that.

And I admire you for what youre doing for your Mom. It is hard being a caregiver. My husband and I used to run ragged looking in on my dad and running errands almost daily.

I thought he should have been in assisted living because I worried he would fall. But my sibling was in charge and wouldn't hear of that so my dad lived alone.

Well guess what? He fell, went to a place for therapy, (which they never gave him!), and never came home. He was dead in 8 months and his entire savings was wiped out.

I still live with the guilt of not being able to take care of him because I couldn't lift him due to my own health issues.

So I know youre run down, worn out, and everything. Believe me I know. But my advice is, cherish every moment with your mom while you can.

I hope it all works out and you get some help with your mom. Best to you. And even though your mom may be difficult, I am SURE she appreciates you!

[BellaPaprika]

If your sisters haven't stepped up by now they're not going to. You can't make people care or even act like they do once they are adults and living far away. All your asking them for support will do is drive them away from you. They'll say Mom is a whiner and now so is Sis! Sad but true. I know from personal experience.

I was in your shoes and looked to my out-of-town sibs for moral support only.Like your mother, mine was financially independent.Their voices would drift off on the phone and they would remember something else they had to do. They didn't want to know and I think on some level they were just glad they were not me. After our mother passed away, one of them told me that I was unkind for having expected our mother to be perfect! Yes, I was criticized after years of doing everything for her while my sibs only showed up on holidays. But I think they needed to do that to make themselves feel better. She was not an easy person to be with but she did her best and she deserved better from them than what she got. They know that and they have to live with it now.

[RetRN]

You and your husband should be enjoying life as your sisters apparently are doing. It is time for Mom to move out!! Your mother is not going to change nor are your sisters. You are being the martyr and I'm not sure why.

[magicmoodz]

Madisson ~ I will take a different approach from most and suggest you do go out to lunch with your sister (alone) and lay it on the line. Explain how much work it is and that your mom's whining is becoming emotionally draining. Let her know that things are NOT going to improve, but only become worse. Then ask her how she feels the family should move forward. If there is some silence, do not fill the void. Make her answer.

I will say this and don't mean to hurt your feelings or suggest this is how it works in your family. I am only sharing my recent experience. There IS often one person in a family who takes the lead to accomplish what needs to be done. That person can sometimes be perceived as making all the decisions, having all the power and steamrolling over others who might have a differing opinion. Obviously, that doesn't always sit well with siblings who feel they are being squeezed out of any decision-making process.

[Madisson]

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Yes, my mother does have a fairly active social life. She goes to the senior center now and then, but she doesn't really like it. She does take an exercise class there. She has a group of friends she goes out to lunch with every two weeks. She also belongs to a writer's group, and gets together with them weekly. She does not drive anymore, so we take her wherever she wants to go.

She does not need any help with getting dressed, bathing, or other grooming at this point. She would have a problem living alone though because she can't do all the housework and things like opening pickle jars.

She does not want to live in assisted living, although I agree that would be best. I think she has my sisters on her side about this...like I'm the demon for suggesting it. My sisters are more concerned about her spending their inheritance. The only time they will talk about my mother is when it comes to her spending money. We have taken her to look at assisted living places, but she wants to live with us.

She has always been very controlling and demanding, and my father let her get away with it. She has been living with us about four years...since my father died.

Believe me, she is the one who is calling all the shots. I'm definitely not steamrolling over her or my sisters. My husband tells me that I need to get tougher with them.

I like the idea about bringing in a caregiver some weekends so that we can get away. My mother could not be left alone at home, as she is a fall risk...although she does not walk with a cane or walker. (She has a cane but refuses to use it.)

It sounds like I am not the only one who has been in this predicament. Thank you for all your insight and experience. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

[ROMARY]

All in all, if you can manage to have a caregiver/companion whenever you need to get away, or just to relax a bit, I think you are doing the right thing. Nobody wants to be booted out of their comfort/home at ninety. Or any time, for that matter. There is a huge possibility that you would be the only sibling who would visit your mom daily at the assisted living facility anyway. I have a feeling that the complaints would be far worse at that point. and probably more stressful for you in the long run. There are a lot of 'feisty' folks out there, and who knows what we will be like at ninety. Wishing you the best of luck. And know that your situation is probably the 'norm'. Sometimes certain meds, etc. aggravate senior folks, too. I've seen it happen, even with people in their fifties. Many meds' warning/side effects state personality changes, aggressive behavior, etc. etc. You might take a look at mom's meds, just to make sure that the negativity/agitation isn't caused by one or more.