Community Chat

[PurpleBunny]

I'm sorry for your situation OP, I'm in the same boat. I empathize - totally.

[NC Bandwagon]

Hello, Madisson.

My dear, my hat's off to you. I can tell that you're working so hard and doing your best...and that's more than enough. A lot of people here have given you some pretty good advice. Be sure to take time for yourself.

[luvingit]

You need to determine your stress and tolerant level, I read your posts and all I hear is what Mom wants Not what you want. If the whining bothers you, tell her to knock it off. Your house , your way. If Mom is extremely difficult, then arrange for the assisted living place. Don't ask anyone, even .mom. This is your decision. Mom no longer rules your universe. You're grown now.

[pinkwblingplz]

I'm in a similar situation and in my case, I know my brother won't help because really & truly, he has set boundaries. He takes care of himself and if anyone on the planet doesn't respect that then out they go. And that includes our mom. I'm not gonna lie, I'd like to be more like that. My mom takes full advantage of my weakness. I say no and she either presses the issue or manipulates me into it. I tell her I'm exhausted and she asks me to do more. I mean I'd like to tell myself that she came to me because she can count on me (and my sil won't put up with her) but the truth is, she came to me because she knows she can get away with her behavior with me. My dad did the same thing with my brother. I basically told my dad to go hug a root and had no intention of putting up with him but that was where my brother's weakness was, he couldn't say no to our dad. I thought about helping but it just wasn't gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad more than anything, we had been incredibly close but as he got older he got meaner & meaner until I said, I love you but peace out. I think it's healthy to do that.

[Drythe]

As others have mentioned, caring for an older parent does seem to fall on one person. Other family members seem to slide right out of the picture, and why not? They are taking the 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' approach. But, it is broken and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone.

Tell the one who is visiting soon that you need Mom to go home with her for a while so you can have a break, after 4 years you deserve it. Plan a wonderful trip for you and DH with non-refundable tickets during her away time. Use this as an excuse if you need one just this once, (you don't want to get into a pattern of having to excuse yourself) but this first time it will help you deal with breaking the pattern. It will serve as a wake-up call to them that you DO need a life, and that henceforth you plan to have one.

Start a group email now, don't let anyone slip by in anonymity. Let your sister know about your "wonderful trip" publicly so everyone knows. Schedule a home care worker to visit regularly several times a week on a schedule not dictated by Mom. Contact a reliable taxi service and open an account with them so you mom can call anytime for card games, beauty appointments, etc.

Plan some regular enriching and fun 'away' events for you and your husband!

After years, a friend of mine worked out an agreement with her mother and her mother's attorney and received a monthly fee from her mother's estate for providing home and board for mom. The attorney did the research to set the fee based on similar services provided by home health, and it was not small. Sad to say, first sibs screamed like the dickens, and then suddenly came out of the woodwork clamoring to have mom come and stay for a month or two.

You are a wonderful caring person and I wish you all the best.