Community Chat

[Thrive]

Hire a caregiver to spend time with your mom a couple hours daily or a couple of times during the week. It depends on you and finances how often you do so. Since she is financially set, it shouldn't be too much of a strain. If it is, I would ask for help from your siblings. They should be willing to assist in some way. You can only go for so long being saddled with her care all of the time. As the others said, she isn't going to change at this late date. Good Luck!

[croemer]

I think your sisters ""have to go"" because they know what is going on is not correct. They know the best solution would be to share the care time...and they know you are having a tough time...and might...just might ask for some help. Change the subject...hang up...and it is still in your lap.

I would have to have a talk with them...ya'll put your heads together...come up with several solutions and THEN approach your Mom with the ideas.

My sister and I shared my father with us 50-50 an believe me it was trying at times...but I am so happy I had that time with my Dad...we did not know...it was his last days.

Best of luck...please have a talk with your family.

[Ms X]

First of all, God bless you for caring for your mother as you do. There's a special place in heaven for your kind.

I'd say nothing during the holidays because it might ruin them.

Have you considered just calling her up when you need moral support and saying you'd like her opinion on something or asking whether she can listen while you vent? Instead of telling her she hasn't been giving you support, can you ask her on a specific day for what you need that day? If she doesn't come through, you could try it once or twice more, but maybe she's just not that type. Some people can't talk about their or others' feelings. Do you have a friend who could provide the support your sister can't?

An alternative would be to write her a letter after the holidays carefully expressing your thoughts and see how she responds. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie, though.

[Madisson]

Wow...thanks for all the great advice. Happy Housewife, I know you are right about the direct approach. I'm usually a pretty direct person, but my mother has always been such a demanding, controlling, and negative person that I hate to get into a battle with her. My sisters know what she is like. One sister is highly narcissistic like my mother. The one who is coming for Christmas does nothing to help and usually sides with my mother...unless it involves spending her money. I guess I really need to be firm with her too.

Financialgirl, great advice about boundaries. I really have to be firm as it gets to me (for instance) when my mother comes into the living room and starts moving my knicknacks around, etc. I will communicate with my sisters more by email, as it doesn't work by phone. As I mentioned above, they suddenly have to go when I bring up issues about Mom.

Furry, thanks for reminding me that she isn't going to change. I keep thinking I can change her, but in reality, that is not going to happen. The cost of a caregiver is not an issue, but finding one who can handle her might be! LOL!

Its Better To Be Naughty, I've been wondering where you went Croemer!! You are right about sharing care time. I was thinking last night that when DH and I want to travel, we could send my mother to one of my sisters. My mother hates to travel alone, but we can arrange for wheelchairs the whole way. Let my sisters get a little taste of Mom! Like you, I was my dad's caregiver, and he was so pleasant to deal with.

Ms X, yes there are a lot of options. Trying an email might be good, because I get no where on the phone. Yes, I do talk to my friends about the situation. As someone else mentioned, I should probably find a support group for caregivers. I'll try talking to this sister...after Christmas. I don't want to risk a battle before Christmas.

[croemer]

Hi Madisson, wishing you the best...I know family matters are delicate. Fair is fair and you are the one who has given up her life as well as your family(DH). You will one day realize what a kind... wonderful DD you have been...at least you will have that.

[circles]

okay....lets touch on the inheritance....(I haven't read all the posts) when mom dies...will the inheritance be divided evenly amongst all the siblings....or will you get more for keeping mom in your home for however long she lives...you should have some benefits for dealing with her...

[AnikaBrodie]

Your sisters apparently feel no obligation to assist you in caring for your mother which is a very selfish non-response. It's (past) time that you request a meeting with both of them and review the situation from your perspective, requesting (or perhaps demanding) some bona fide help from both of them. Perhaps at least some of the "respite care" (and this is a great idea) could come from them, hopefully one to four weeks at a time. This would give you time to relax and have some down time of your own which is so important for your mental and physical health and well-being.

It's also important to set boundaries with your mother. Remind her that you have opened your heart and home to her and that you will no longer tolerate her "whining" and "controlling behavior" in your home. If she wants to do that in her apartment she has free access to do so.

Finding a support group for caregivers is important for you. Perhaps a resource could be your local hospital or other health-related agency. I'm sure they could provide options for you. As others have said you have rights, and it's time to express those rights ... and let the chips fall where they may.

I have personal experience with a similar situation having had my dad live with us for over ten years. Sometimes things got rather difficult but when they did I and DH set down and had a three person discussion (dad, husband and me) and we set boundaries. I did not receive support from any of my siblings either (being the youngest of six children) which, at times, became very frustrating. From what I've read you are now at that point.

I've not read all the responses here but have read enough to know you've gotten some really good advice and options to consider. I hope you will consider all of them as you deal with your mother's care. Take care of yourself too so that you can better take care of others.

[Marienkaefer2]

Really good responses here, so I'm only going to add that I get what your mother is like. I loved my grandmother dearly, but she was similar in temperament to.your mom. Luckily, my grandparents both lived to their mid nineties in great health. They always had their own home, until the end. I think.it would have been.very difficult to.bring my grandmother into.our home. The only thing I can tell you, from my experience, is to not be afraid to speak up.to your mom anymore. The minute she says or does something out of line, respond. You can respond in a firm, but kind way. But let her know. She's still treating you as if you're the little girl, and she's the mom-boss. Yes, she'll be upset, but as long as you talk to her firm but respectful, you'll have nothing to feel.guilty about. After doing this awhile, she'll see you mean.business. Forget about your siblings. They will never help. Don't even.waste your energy there. If you want to go on vacation or just get a.break a few days a week, hire a caregiver. .

[BORN AGAIN]

Shady Pines comes to mind.

[KathyPet]

You need to bring in a care giver at least one afternoon a weeks so you can get a break. You need to be firm about this and not back down when Mom starts arguing with you. Tell her she has two choices. She can put up with a caregiver once a week or move into a elder care residence. I bet the threat of moving her into a elder care facility will scare her so much that she will accept the caregiver. You know you cannot go through life always playing nicely with others when the other person won't play nicely. Sometimes you have to stick up for yourself.