Community Chat

[sassenach1]

On 12/19/2014 rolen said:

Unfortunately, I agree with the others. You won't get any help from your siblings. If they have avoided the situation until now, they aren't going to change.

I had to see an Elder Specialist Attorney about my Mom. He said that even when there are multiple children, over and over he saw that everything fell to just one of them. The others just went on with their lives basically ignoring the situation with the parents and the care-taker sibling. The only time he heard from the non caregivers was when there was a question about money. Sometimes, he had to contact all of the children about a financial matter. The ones who were not caretakers complained and discouraged taking any money from their inheritance. But other than money matters, they had no concern about the aging parent.

ITA. This is reality for most.

[emmysmom]

On 12/19/2014 Sassenach1 said:

On 12/19/2014 rolen said:

Unfortunately, I agree with the others. You won't get any help from your siblings. If they have avoided the situation until now, they aren't going to change.

I had to see an Elder Specialist Attorney about my Mom. He said that even when there are multiple children, over and over he saw that everything fell to just one of them. The others just went on with their lives basically ignoring the situation with the parents and the care-taker sibling. The only time he heard from the non caregivers was when there was a question about money. Sometimes, he had to contact all of the children about a financial matter. The ones who were not caretakers complained and discouraged taking any money from their inheritance. But other than money matters, they had no concern about the aging parent.

ITA. This is reality for most.

As a caregiver, I see this ALL the time..heartbreaking!

[emmysmom]

Madisson, Can you afford a caregiver?? You said your mom was fine financially..you can have someone for just a few hours, daily, a couple of times weekly, whatever fits your need...just that break will do you wonders! I get tired, caregiving, is hard work, so I know how you feel! For the most part the women I've cared for have been very thankful and its made all the difference. I feel like I have a purpose..as mothers, women, we're all caregivers!

[qualitygal]

Ok here goes. Tell your sister mom can afford this and I'm getting a care giver in for a couple of hours a few days a week so I can have a breather. Since they don't pay for her care or care to assist, you go right ahead and do this for your own sanity and a much needed break. Mom will get used to it and just tell her, if she tries to object, YOU need to tend to some stuff. Your sister from where I set, has NO SAY in this. You're the leader and you lead, they just want to be in the background. Some people can't handle this. You can, so you get to have the say and by golly, you've earned it. BTDT.

[ROMARY]

This situation regarding siblings is so common that I'd almost venture to say that's it's 'normal'. My guess is that none of them would visit mom in an assisted living facility, too. All I can think of is to have friends/neighbors visit mom more often. Around here, there are many weekly senior events/luncheons/classes. And most who attend are in their late 80's and mid 90's. In some areas there are shuttles to and from community centers, etc. I do believe your mom could be a bit bored and needs some outside stimulation. The best of luck. p.s. Some folks are natural 'complainers'. And, most often, folks at an assisted living center won't be very receptive unless the person changes on her/his own. .......... EDITED to include a cheerful caregiver to visit mom a few hours a day, week, whatever. Someone for mom to look forward to. Check out the various local licensed agencies in your area.

[ROMARY]

p.s. Yes ! A nice, cheerful caregiver to keep mom company. A few hours a day, week, whatever ! Mom needs outsiders to talk with, maybe go for a walk down the block, sit in a park for a half hour, etc. Just call a few agencies. They will come to the house, discuss prices, etc. Make sure that you tell them that you want a cheerful, interactive caregiver. Licensed agencies pay their employees, deal with their tax forms, are insured, etc. No worries for you.

[JustJazzmom]

Rolen, you are spot on with those self centered siblings who only care about the $$ they will inherit once that parent is gone or the benefits but none of the negatives that go into the day to day watching over of a parent.

Some people never see beyond the noses of their faces no matter how many times you talk to someone about various things. It's all about them and no one else in their lives and they will be the first to ask when the time comes, where are my siblings when I need watching over?

The answer will be: you reap what you sow.

[Chrystaltree2]

I wouldn't approach the subject at all. What would be the point? Other than to start a fight with your sister. You already know that neither of your sisters wants to know about or hear anything about the challenges you face with your mother. You know that. Like it or not, your mother is your responsiblity and your burden and your sisters aren't going to lighten your load. Partly because they can't. She lives with you. They could offer some moral support but that's not something they want to do. Your mother is 90 and it sounds like she's behaving like a normal 90 year old. You probably do need some relief, some time away from her. If money isn't a problem, you should consider having a professional caretaker come to sit with her while you take some time off. Even a weekend with your husband. She's lucid, she understands everything. So, you shouldn't feel that you have to take her everywhere you go. She'll whine but our kids also whined about things and we lived with the whining. Your situation is pretty common. It would be nice to think that all the siblings shared the challenges and responsiblitlies or caring for older parents but that just isn't the case. It's usually like your situation. One of the siblings has all of the responsibilty and all of the burden.

[ROMARY]

In our area, having a caregiver visit for a few hours here and there is a lot less expensive than assisted living and other facilities, where you would have to literally pay thousands and thousands of dollars (used to be 7K about ten years ago, probably much more now) per month. Reading previous threads/posts, it all depends on the area, and how much land is available for these facilities. Cost of living, etc. Just to keep mom fairly content, I would first at least try the caregiver route, and visits to your local community centers/events/functions.

[LilacTree]

I wish I had something wise and helpful to say. I don't. Sometimes people just live too long. Consider yourself an "angel," because that's who you are. And love your mom, as you continue to do. She can't help being who she is.

I do have words for your sisters, but I will keep them to myself. I do think you should have a talk with them, however. But I understand that can be a dangerous path. I'll never understand how families can justify doing this but, as others have said, it is not rare.

My very best to you. You are a good person.